Gallery: Seven Gross Sex Things The Bible Says Are Totally Okay

A lot of the people currently trying to legislate the kinds of sex other people are allowed to have claim to base their beliefs on a strict, literalist interpretation of the Bible. Which begs the question: have they read the thing? The Old Testament in particular is full of all sorts of fucked up shit that I doubt many of these people would be okay with: sex slavery, captive virgins, incest, the list goes on! And when Jesus comes along in the New Testament, he doesn’t bother to condemn any of it. I’m not saying the Bible isn’t an important document, but as a prescription for how we should conduct our sex lives, it leaves much to be desired. Here are seven effed up things the Bible says are totally okie dokie.

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    • Jenny

      This is so true! And the reason why I have never been able to read the whole Bible. Around the time Lot got his daughters pregnant I just gave up. I don’t even think that is very far in, but I was already completely offended.

      • Dee

        If you read further ahead, you would have read the book Leviticus, which is filled with sexual do’s and don’t's. None of these things that this uninformed person is talking about are condoned in that book.

      • helen gentle

        the old testement had 613 commandments, and if your not jewish its not really about you, whats funny is things were not suger coated to kiss a bunch of pansy behind

    • Avodah

      It is called The Hebrew Bible nobody with a college education calls it “The Old Testament”. I don’t defend much of what the Hebrew Bible recommends as a way to treat women or create families. However, the definition of rape in the Ancient Near East was quite different than it is today. The act of sexual union was concerned to be like signing a marriage contract. As strange as that may seem in 2012 during this time it was perfectly normal.

      As far as marrying one’s sister in law- that was done so that families could keep land that they had farmed (read an essay by Chanan Brichto or Carol Meyer).

      Anyway, I think literally interpreting this is kind of silly and not very interesting. I don’t defend rape or capital punishment, but I do defend contemporary Biblical criticism, anthropology, philology and history.

      • Laura

        I think the point of this whole article was to emphasize how we shouldn’t be taking the bible so literally when condemning other types of sexual activities, it was written in a different time in a specific culture that is not similar to our own.

      • Jamie Peck

        Literally interpreting the bible (which many culture warriors claim as their basis for lobbying against gay rights, reproductive rights, etc.) is exactly what I am arguing against here. The same book that says being gay is wrong also says a whole lot of other messed up shit.

      • Imagine12

        Unfortunately too many Christians believe that the Bible is literally the word of God and so it isn’t non-believers who are the problem. If “Christians” take claim to only the new testament then why are they always quoted the Hebrew Bible when they talk against homosexuality. I call it cherry-picking to support their hate and ignorance. Regardless, if you can read and comprehend then you know that the Bible contains a lot of crap no matter how you want to spin it.

    • Robert Hagedorn

      Google First Scandal.

    • Siylii

      I find it interesting that somebody so ignorant is criticizing the Bible and pointing to others who are also ignorant, just in a different way. A lot of messed up things happen in the Bible, but just because things happened in it does not mean the Bible is instructing people to do such things. All instances of polygamy in the Bible end in disaster, making the stories look much more like parables AGAINST it. I could go through one by one, but this columnist is clearly not out to learn.

      I will say I find it cosmically funny that a website that calls saying “I love you” a sexual “faux pas” is rushing to make comments on sexual propriety.

    • Fische

      Mythology is strange, but Christian mythology is the strangest.

      • Avodah

        What do you mean by myth? Like Joseph Campbell or Wendy Doniger? By the way, the Hebrew Bible isn’t “Christian” (neither am I). I just think that Jamie’s “article” was poorly written.

    • Eve

      Angry Christian are so funny. Your book if full of weird stuff, stop pretending like it isn’t.
      p.s. Lighten up.

      • Dee

        Um, yeah it’s filled with weird stuff, if you’ve never actually studied it or the history. I’m just saying, don’t talk abot what you don’t know. Also, for the CHRISTIANS, it’s the mainly the NEW testament that’s our book. Please, people, just stick to discussing topics that you actually know a thing or two about. Please.

      • Jesus christ

        Dee i would advise you before telling others not to talk if they don’t know what they are talking about for you to do some real research your self and to take your own advise because clearly you are very blind to think you are worthy of speech but he is not, just because you think only your god and the bible are fact and everyone else is wrong does not give you a golden ticket to tell anyone to keep quiet that’s not very Christ like of you in fact you just proved his point valid with your rudeness,,, you should be stoned to death !!!!!!!!!!!!

      • jerome

        I could have seen your point but the “you should be stoned to death !!!!!!!!!!!!” comment put you in the “Wish I didn’t waste the brain power to read your post category! Who is attacking Whom…

    • Dee

      Ok. First of all do NOT talk about what you don’t know. That just makes you look like a fool. If you actually read it and delve into the facts, you would know (this is just one thing) that King Solomon was searching for the meaning of life. He tried everything, the high life (money, expensive parties) the simple yoga, meditating lifestyle, sex and everything there is. In the end, he himself said that everything is meaningless. He had lots of money, he could do anything, and he said it was meaningless. Secondly, what you are talking about is the old testament. BEFORE Jesus came. It was a broken world, with broken people. A good chunk of the laws were NOT from God, they were from screwed up people. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY you should realize that these are HUMANS. One point that the Bible makes is that we are ALL stupid, screwed up people, and without God we are disgusting, disturbing people that have issues.

      • Avodah

        Wow, Dee. That was a pretty bigoted comment (especially during this time of year). Many Jews practice the laws from The Hebrew Bible and find a lot of meaning in it. The laws they follow are from God. They are doing just fine without Jesus (as are millions on this earth).

        I don’t know about King Solomon doing yoga. I don’t think there is any evidence to support that.

        As for knowing what I am talking about- I have a masters degree in Religious Studies from one of the best universities in the world, and I will start a PhD soon. Aside from the fancy education- there is one thing I know- making nasty, argumentative comments is no way to establish dialogue about religion.

      • Imagine12

        I know plenty of well-adjusted, hard-working happy humans that don’t believe in God or attend a church. Sorry what you are saying is how religion exist because they create a need for GOD, they tell you that you are a sinner and that the only way you can find happiness is through GOD and he has given/built a church to help you find your way back to him, you wretched soul. THis idea that we are disgusting, disturb people keeps the church pews full and the churches bank accounts large.

    • Kate

      Romans 1:18-32

      18 For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men who suppress the truth [l]in unrighteousness, 19 because that which is known about God is evident [m]within them; for God made it evident to them. 20 For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse. 21 For even though they knew God, they did not [n]honor Him as God or give thanks, but they became futile in their speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened. 22 Professing to be wise, they became fools, 23 and exchanged the glory of the incorruptible God for an image in the form of corruptible man and of birds and four-footed animals and [o]crawling creatures.

      24 Therefore God gave them over in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, so that their bodies would be dishonored among them. 25 For they exchanged the truth of God for [p]a lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed [q]forever. Amen.

      26 For this reason God gave them over to degrading passions; for their women exchanged the natural function for that which is [r]unnatural, 27 and in the same way also the men abandoned the natural function of the woman and burned in their desire toward one another, men with men committing [s]indecent acts and receiving in [t]their own persons the due penalty of their error.

      28 And just as they did not see fit [u]to acknowledge God any longer, God gave them over to a depraved mind, to do those things which are not proper, 29 being filled with all unrighteousness, wickedness, greed, evil; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, malice; they are gossips, 30 slanderers, [v]haters of God, insolent, arrogant, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents, 31 without understanding, untrustworthy, unloving, unmerciful; 32 and although they know the ordinance of God, that those who practice such things are worthy of death, they not only do the same, but also give hearty approval to those who practice them.

      • Lamb is Delicious


    • Nancy

      It’s like beating your head against a wall, isn’t it Jamie? I’m sure lots of people got your point, probably just didn’t want to get involved in the crazy comments.

      Also, Avodah, I actually know lots of people with a college degree who call it the Old Testament. I was raised Christian and all the nuns and priests called it the Old Testament, as did my Religious Studies prof in university, and literally every single person I’ve ever heard reference it. I’m sure you’re right, and it’s called the Hebrew Bible by most religious scholars, but I think it’s kind of ridiculous to make Jamie out to be some kind of idiot for calling it something millions of other people call it.

      • Avodah

        Right, nuns and priests call it The Old Testament because, according to them, there is a New one. No Hebrew Bible scholar would call it this. It would only be called “The New Testament” within the context of it being presented as something Christian (history of Christianity class,Mediterranean religions class, etc). Also, there are different translations, and what is called The New Testament differs greatly from the Hebrew Bible.

        Aside from that, the only appropriate term is Hebrew Bible. It is an extremely important distinction and frames the entire discussion.

        You must know a bunch of people who don’t study religion in an academic setting.

    • Mary

      I just have to be in awe of this ignorance of this post. What Moses said or the laws that are in Leviticus were directed at a single group of Hebrews thousands of years ago. A basic knowledge of Christianity would tell you that Jesus fulfilled the punitive laws of the Old Testament and we’re called to obey Natural Law (ten commandments) and to love God and our neighbor.

      If you are not religious and live by your own moral code, fine. Support which legislation you want. I’ll support the legislation I want.

      • Avodah

        Mary, do you even know what natural law is? It isn’t the Noahide laws. It is part of legal theory and ethics. –headdesk–

      • Imagine12

        You can live your life the way you chose however many Christians feel the need to impose these beliefs on others that is where the problems begin. The ten commandments are christians laws and several of them are not against the law of the land which is fortunate for those who break them.

    • Kate

      1 Corinthians 10:1-13

      1 For I do not want you to be unaware, brethren, that our fathers were all under the cloud and all passed through the sea; 2 and all were baptized into Moses in the cloud and in the sea; 3 and all ate the same spiritual food; 4 and all drank the same spiritual drink, for they were drinking from a spiritual rock which followed them; and the rock was Christ. 5 Nevertheless, with most of them God was not well-pleased; for they were laid low in the wilderness.

      6 Now these things happened as examples for us, so that we would not crave evil things as they also craved. 7 Do not be idolaters, as some of them were; as it is written, “THE PEOPLE SAT DOWN TO EAT AND DRINK, AND STOOD UP TO PLAY.” 8 Nor let us act immorally, as some of them did, and twenty-three thousand fell in one day. 9 Nor let us try the Lord, as some of them did, and were destroyed by the serpents. 10 Nor grumble, as some of them did, and were destroyed by the destroyer. 11 Now these things happened to them as an example, and they were written for our instruction, upon whom the ends of the ages have come. 12 Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall. 13 No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.

    • runi

      In the old testament in bible its like a records of the history was written. it is not there to follow them. history was written regardless of right and wrong. but if you want to know what the christianity is go through it carefully and follow the commands not the facts.

    • Mistie

      Sorry Christians, but the Bible is filled with a lot of shit. It’s funny that you are all attacking this column for being uninformed, but you aren’t showing any of us how that is or is not true. Lot IS called the only righteous man in the town, and that IS after offering his daughters to a mob of angry rapists. Explain that one away.

      Also, if we are ignoring everything from the Old Testament/Hebrew Bible, why are you all bent out of shape about LGBTQ equality?

      • helen waite

        lot survived because of who he knew not who he was

      • Tom Fewya

        he knew they were angels and they were close to G-d . During a time before mosaic law there was not enough information as how to handle a matter such as that and the only solution would have in the eyes of a G-d fearing man would be to protect his servants ( Angels ) .

    • helen bache

      geeezz some people really hear what they want…

    • Kit

      Guys, it’s called The GLOSS.

      1. a superficial luster or shine; glaze: the gloss of satin.
      2. a false or deceptively good appearance.
      3. Also, glosser. a cosmetic that adds sheen or luster, especially one for the lips.

      verb (used with object)
      4. to put a gloss upon.
      5. to give a false or deceptively good appearance to: to gloss over flaws in the woodwork.

    • mkc

      People are up in arms when ever you point out things that are evil, cruel, misogynistic, or bizarre. Either its a parable, he didn’t mean it, or its in the wrong book and no longer relevant, OR its in context. Technically the entire bible is out of context with todays faith so we should ignore the whole thing. If none of it is meant for literal interpretation then why not ignore it all together, humans don’t rely on children’s fairy tale for morals why keep the oldest, most antiquated one. If stories are parables or examples, why not list them as such. jesus gives many examples of parables, but list them as parables, why do people assume some of the more horrible stories are warnings, stories, “history” and parables just when they make them uncomfortable. At some point i would like it if Christian or Jewish people could say “well we’re not sure what that means, it may not make sense” BUT we have fait that “…..”. No one can know definitely what that ancient book from a different languages hodge podged over millennia, across many nations for all different reasons most of which are propaganda rather than moral insight.

      I took many classes in theology in college but couldn’t take it seriously even after sincerely wanting to believe with an open heart and approaching it with an open mind, it didnt fit with a graduate degree in medical physics lol.

    • Aislain

      Fairly certain jesus told you to not re-quote him anyway. So whoever made the revised version of the bible is going to hell according to that. For those who follow will also be going to hell. Now I’m gonna go rape some women and have sex with my first cousin, since that’s ok!

      • Imagine12

        Hell is only in a person’s mind created by religious people to scare people into doing what is right.

    • Dustin D Wind

      Christians are the New Testament’s audience. The OLD Testament is included for their reference. The Hebrew Bible was aimed at the inhabitants of ancient Judea in the few centuries BC. Even the modern group called the Jews don’t take it seriously; they filter it through their holy book, the Babylonian Talmud. That being said, the Talmud is far worse than the Hebrew Bible in every respect, especially the topics of racial supremacism and sexual action. For instance, it condones the rape of children over the age of three years and a day, and it insists upon Christian murder and gentile enslavement for its ultimate goal.
      The state of Israel is full of gentile sex slavery and military aggression as a result of the Talmud. The Christian religion, on the other hand, is not the primary cause of such human suffering. So if you’re so morally insecure that you must actively seek reasons to condemn others, I suggest you direct your rage into a worthy cause. Join with legitimately humanitarian activists, and condemn the true criminals.

      • Imagine12

        Lol, pointing the finger at another group to minimize your own groups contribution to oppression and violence. As far as humans there are no innocent victims except the people being unfairly victimized.

    • Matthew

      When i was young they told me that a bunny laid chocolate eggs on Easter, a fat man gave us presents on Christmas, a tooth fairy gave us money for baby teeth. The bible contains similar fiction and to that end, a good read. But believing that fiction – alleged accounts of people who may or may not have lived thousands of years ago – is silly. It never ceases to amaze me that some humans embrace such nonsense. Jesus.

      We have a moral code and should rely on it. There is no heaven after death, no hell after death. We create and experience our heaven and hell, right here, right now. Live for today folks, not for a hollow promise of eternal life.

    • Jerome

      Strange that every thing you state that God should have put an end to was a law with the people of the times not a powerful supernaturally enforced decree from God.
      God gave us two things… this earth suit we live in and the right of choice.
      If we as a society chose to mess things up God will allow it.

    • Jerome

      From my understanding… No on Has ever proven any thing in the Bible to be false. If so that is wrong, please show it to me.

      • Antitheist

        Obviously u haven’t read the biblical book of bullshit have ya? There is also 8 different types of marriages too including the fan favourite of the rape victim has to marry her rapist or she dies.Hmmmm sounds like xtianity and islam are very close indeed.