We hope this is a hoax but it just seems so plausible: a Florida woman named Jenny Fizgerald watched the Royal Wedding and, like many, admired Pippa Middleton‘s “pert and elegant” butt. Unlike many, she took it one step farther and decided to procure Pippa’s butt. Not through diet and exercise, of course–this is America!–but through plastic surgery.
“When I saw how men around the world responded with adoration for Pippa’s curves, I decided to take drastic action,” she told the Daily Mail while inspiring a deep dread in our hearts.
Fizgerald quickly found herself a plastic surgeon with good SEO–Miami-based Constantino Mendieta–who offered the ‘Pippa Butt Lift’ for $10,000. Although we couldn’t find mention of that specific procedure on his otherwise thorough speciality site, Butts By Mendieta (yes), it’s perfectly believable that he offers such a service because of course.
Regardless, now Fizgerald’s putting on white dresses and turning away from papparazzi cameras:
Even better, while preparing to acquire her dream butt, Fizgerald also got to eat a bunch of ice cream! A U.S size four, she had to bulk up before the procedure with a high-calorie diet. “It was amazing,” she gushed. “I got to eat all my favorites and could gain weight without feeling guilty. It was all going towards giving me the perfect shape I longed for.”
But why reinforce only a few negative stereotypes about women, when you can reinforce many? Obviously, Fizgerad’s new lease on life/butt lift has landed her a husband. She’s now engaged to heavy machinery firm-owning Carlos, 42, who insists that the new butt brought them together: ”Her bottom is why I noticed her in the first place. Without it we might never have spoken.”
If this isn’t a modern fairytale, we don’t know what is.
(via The Daily Mail)