• Thu, Apr 19 2012

Girl Receives Amazing Unsolicited Sex Advice From Her Grandma

Today on Nerve.com, there’s an amazing letter sent in by a reader. Ostensibly, the letter was written to her by her grandma (in cute grandma handwriting!) after the 20-year-old girl let on that she might be having sex. Despite being somewhat outdated at points (no anal? NO FUN!), a lot of her advice is amazingly spot on and relevant. Here are some of my favorite tidbits:

When having sex and the female does not enjoy it, I strongly recommend that the female gets on top of the man. It always works, the female has a climax and enjoyment. If he wants to perform oral sex on you, enjoy it!

Obviously, everyone is different, but I’ve found this to be true in my own life. It’s all about that sneaky, sneaky clitoris.

Always make sure the man’s penis is CLEAN. Make sure he washes it with soap and water before coming to bed.

A good rule of thumb! He should wash those grubby fingers too, while he’s at it (unless, of course, you’re into that sort of thing).

To know if you are both in love, you feel a “connection” in bed. If you feel ALONE in bed when having sex, you are with the WRONG man. This is CRITICAL! The connection of mind, body, soul!

Who knew that grandma was so emo? By which I of course mean, “existentially perceptive about the human condition.”

Never, never do ANAL sex! You can get diseases, especially if after anal, he goes vaginal. Also ORAL sex is dangerous if there are cuts in your mouth, or sores. Men love it. Don’t swallow his SEMEN! You can get throat STDs. There is no cure for herpes. Chlamydia and gonorrhea have no symptoms and can leave you sterile. You both would need antibiotics!

This is a little bit outdated, as we now know anal sex doesn’t hurt you if you do it right. But points for reminding her not to go ass to puss. (Related: my friend Jess has a tattoo of an octopus on her ass that she calls her “ass-to-pus,” as in, “never go.” Carry on.)

Make sure you never marry an abusive control freak. When a man loves you, there is respect. He will be proud of you and your achievements — not jealous and needing to know your every move, or keeping you away from family and friends. Make sure he comes from a happy family with a loving mother and father who have a good marriage.

Again, grandma is half right. You should always be on the look-out for controlling behavior, but it seems a little unfair to visit the sins of the parents on the child. I, for instance, come from a broken home and am totally awesome at relationships.

Click over to Nerve to read the whole adorable thing.

(Via Nerve)

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  • kjon

    I’m utterly immature for being distracted by the term “ass to puss”.

    • pluto

      Yeah, me, too!

      There’s an utterly crigneworthy way of putting it if ever there was one…

    • Fabel

      Ha, as someone who regular uses the word “puss”, this phrase was actually delightful to me.

  • Jen

    When I was 19 and told my grams that I was getting married (yeah, young… do not recommend) she said, “Are you PREGNANT?”

    I wasn’t.

  • Eileen

    Aww, that’s awesome! Props to Gram for knowing that you can get gonorrhea in your throat (apparently, though, it does have symptoms and feels like strep, at least according to my doctor). And while I wouldn’t refuse to date someone whose parents had split up (my mom’s parents did, which was part of the reason she was really resolute in finding someone who was not like her dad and would be a good father and husband), I definitely consider it a bonus if a man’s parents are in a happy, mutually respectful marriage – just because I think it shortens the learning curve.