Bizarre Alternate Endings To Popular Movies

 

Pretty Woman

The original Pretty Woman script is great reading immediately after you finish 50 Shades of Grey. Originally titled $3,000, Edward is at least 25 shades of fucked up, insofar as he’s a ruthless businessman who loves short selling, and has a girlfriend who is “tiny, but with a perfect body.” Vivien is tough streetwalker who loves crack. He treats her in a way that seems polite in the most emotionally manipulative fashion ever, and she spends more than half the script in tears. In the end, he pushes her out of a car, tosses $3,000 at her and drives away. Then she goes to Disneyland.

I am not making any of this up. Here is the original ending (you are going to want to read the entire script):

EDWARD
Get out! GET OUT OF THE CAR!
Vivian continues to pound him for a moment, but then she breaks down and starts to sob limply.

EDWARD
You’re out of your mind. You’re insane!

Vivian is crying.

EDWARD
I’ve had enough of this. Get out of the car.

Vivian doesn’t move.

EDWARD
Get out of the car!

When she still doesn’t move, Edward throws open his door and gets out.

EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD – CONTINUOUS
Edward walks around the car and opens the trunk. He pulls out Vivian’s few boxes of clothes and sets them down on the curb. He shuts the trunk. He walks over to the passenger door and opens it.

EDWARD
(firmly)
Get out.
Vivian doesn’t move. She is still crying.

EDWARD
Don’t make me regret ever picking you up. Now please, get out of the car. I have to go.

Edward grabs her by the hand and starts to pull her from the car. Vivian explodes again and starts hitting and kicking him. Edward forcibly drags her from the car and then throws her to the ground. He slams the door shut. As Vivian hits the ground she begins to cry again, too weak to fight anymore.

Edward looks down at her. He takes the money envelope from his jacket and holds it out to her.

EDWARD
Here, take it. It’s your money.

VIVIAN
(sobbing in fits)
I don’t want it. Just go away.

EDWARD
Take it.

VIVIAN
No.

EDWARD
You’ll regret it tomorrow if you don’t take it. You’ll regret it the minute I drive away.

Vivian doesn’t say anything. Edward lays the envelope down on the sidewalk in front of her.He turns and walks around the car. Vivian lies frozen for a moment and then suddenly snaps alive as she hears the sound of his car door opening and closing.
She grabs the envelope and crushes it in her hand. She leaps at the car and starts smashing her fists against it and the windows.

VIVIAN
Go to hell! I hate you! I hate your money! I hate it!

We see a flash of Edward’s face as he stares at Vivian pounding on his window. She’s completely lost her mind. He puts the car
in gear and pushes on the accelerator. Vivian is still pounding as the car pulls away. In a final gesture of rage she throws the envelope at the car and it breaks open as the car peels off.

The money scatters across the gutter as the car drives away.

Vivian falls to her knees, weak and crying.

Across the street various shabby-looking people stare at Vivian and the money. Vivian is on her hands and knees sobbing. She can barely breathe. She is completely broken.

She wipes the tears from her cheeks. She looks down the street. The Mercedes is gone.

For a brief moment she is still, frozen like a statue.

She reaches down in the gutter and starts to pick up the money.

Seriously. This is the ending. Don’t worry, there’s a “happy” ending tacked on where Vivian takes the money and goes to Disneyland. Against, not making any of this up.

Also – and I cannot stress this enough – the most offensive thing you can do is “be some golddigger who speaks French better than I do.” Edward mentions it during this terrifying exchange, which is swapped out for the polo match exchange in the actual movie (where Edward secretly tells one of his friends that Vivian is a hooker, and she gets really mad at him. It seems like an overreaction, although not when you consider that they have not changed her reaction from when she was responding to this crazy horrible scene).

William stares at Vivian fixedly.

WILLIAM
You look very familiar to me.
Haven’t I seen you before?

Vivian shakes her head no.

WILLIAM

You work for Robert’s agency, don’t you?

VIVIAN
No.

WILLIAM
Oh.
(to Edward)
I thought that’s where you got your girls.

EDWARD
You must be joking. I’m not going to pay a fortune for a high-class gold digger to leech off me. Last time I called them, I ended up spending ten grand for a skinny little thing that kept pressuring me to buy her jewels. I found Vivian on Hollywood Boulevard and she’s charging me a third of that. And she’s happy to get it, aren’t you?

Vivian meekly nods. She isn’t enjoying the conversation.

WILLIAM
Jesus, Edward, you’re the only billionaire I know who would go tramping around Hollywood looking for a bargain streetwalker. Just because you got one bad girl doesn’t mean you should write off the whole agency. When you get a girl from Robert’s you’re paying for discretion.

EDWARD
What do I need discretion for? I’m divorced. And I don’t need a girl who speaks French better than I do. Vivian has been an absolute doll…

Edward leans over to William.

EDWARD
She’s a real tiger in bed.

WILLIAM
(eying her)
I’ll bet she is.

Edward eats. William watches Vivian push the food around on her
plate. He seems bothered by something.

EDWARD
(amused)
What are you thinking about, Bill?

WILLIAM

(looking away)
Nothing.

EDWARD
You want her? I don’t mind. You want to try her?

WILLIAM
Jesus, Edward, don’t be so tacky. I can rent my own girls.

EDWARD
I can read you like a freeway sign.

WILLIAM
(tensely)
I’m not interested.

EDWARD
Go ahead. Vivian doesn’t care. She’s used to six guys a night. Just be sure you wear a condom. She’s careful about that.

The gold digger speaking French comment makes it into the final script when Edward says:

STUCKEY     Listen, there're some major local
    talent inside just dying to meet
    you...

 EDWARD       (as if delighted)
    Really?  Some high class gold
    digger who speaks French better
    than I do?

Ladies, learn Latin. Only Latin.

Maybe a little Hebrew. I don’t know. Just keep it real.

Share This Post:
    • Ewa

      Oh Jesus, the original version of PW sounds great. Like an “American Psycho” version of the movie. ThankyouThankyouThankyou!

      • Jennifer Wright

        I think I might be attracted to the original Edward, but it’s only the absolutely worst part of myself.

    • Ashley Cardiff

      Wait. Bill Paxton’s character’s name is Brock Lovett.

      HAVE YOU SAID THAT OUT LOUD?

    • Ella Jane

      am I crazy or isn’t that the wide release ending to I Am Legend?

      No. I’m not crazy. That totally is. There’s no zombie tenderness, just grenades.

      • Jennifer Wright

        Oh, Christ, I copied the wrong one. Love is not grenades! Updated.

    • MR

      Okay that’s not a good ending, but I will finally make a concession on the big diamond. Yes, it look really sexy in Jack’s drawing.

    • parker

      I wonder if Pretty Woman would still be showed all the time on ABC Family if they’d kept the original ending.

      • Jennifer Wright

        I am going to answer your wonder: no.