I figured the best way to approach this would be to try to duplicate some of the foods I already eat regularly. Generally, in the morning, I buy a yogurt parfait from Starbucks. I like the way it has fruit in it, mostly? Also, it’s a combination of grains and protein. It costs around $4.50.
I decided something else that would combine those those would be a whole wheat English muffin with peanut butter and fruit. My inclination was to make a smiley face out of blueberries on it, but since this is a grown-up project, and grown-ups contain layers, I gave it a face like it’s having a stroke. Like Walt Whitman or America itself, this muffin contains multitudes.
It was actually excellent, and I feel like the freedom to make food faces expressing a whole range of strokes and varying recovery levels is pretty much unlimited. Still, the whole thing made me think about how nice it would be to make yogurt parfaits. But I needed granola for that. I had some granola, once. It was called Crapola. It was excellent. And its name made me laugh like a small, severely maladjusted child. I heard they sold it at Trader Joe’s, BUT HOLY GOD HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO TRADER JOE’S?
Someone apparently told everyone who believes in the apocalypse that it was happening tomorrow and they should prepare by buying all the organic flaxseed in the world. Fucking cult leaders. Seriously. Trader Joe’s is filled with a line that goes around the store. AROUND THE STORE. I shopped before a hurricane, that admittedly never hit, once (I bought wasabi peas, banana chips) and it wasn’t this insane. Why does the line go around the store? The line goes around the entire store because there are two elderly people at the cashier, standing there and making conversation with the customers.
Maggie Thatcher never would have let this happen.
Someone there turned to someone – not me – and said “chill out”. Since I am pretty sure that “chill out” and “relax” is what the Grim Reaper sings while he pays the panflute, I left and went to Whole Foods. They have an organized system. I bought some of this granola. I think it will be nice.
I wish there was something people could say that was the opposite of “chill out” that was socially acceptable.
There isn’t, though.
I went home to make a sandwich.
I generally associate sandwiches made at home with uncooked whitebread and slices of cold cheese which is why I never, ever eat them at home. I associate sandwiches at restaurants with being fucking delicious. Especially ‘Wichcraft’s sandwich, which is made with caramelized onions and gruyere cheese. I would like to buy one. With a cup of tomato soup. It looks like this:
Instead, I will make one.
BUT HOW WILL I CAREMELIZE THE ONIONS?
Oh. Did you know it’s not hard to caramelize onions? It’s not. You just put them in a pan with some olive oil and a pinch of salt and sugar. And you leave them there for like, 15 minutes, stirring them a bit. Not that hard! Look!
Unfortunately, making cheese melt while pan frying bread without the bread burning seems nearly impossible. What do you do about that? I ended up burning one side of the toast, but a lot of the cheese was still not melted. Use shredded cheese, maybe? Is that a thing people do?
I also made a bowl of tomato soup. It was good because it was Campbell’s tomato soup, so obviously. Andy Warhol already know this stuff.
Money saved – $12.50
The oddest part of this is that while eating I was gripped with an uncontrollable desire to watch New Girl. I did. I did even though there were good episodes of House on four different channels, and also the Joan Fontaine version of Jane Eyre. I watched it and I laughed. “I like ice skating for fun – not to save lives.” HAHAHAHA. It’s funny. That was very funny.
Basically, I think this thing might be changing my soul, and I’m pretty worried about that. Further updates tomorrow!
Oh. I made another bowl of soup in the evening. It was pretty straightforward, honestly. I mean, it was a can of soup I heated up. I probably would have gone at gotten a bowl of turkey chili otherwise, which would have cost $8.
Total money saved so far: $25.
Also, send things that are good to do with a solitary tomato other than take walks with it and treat it as a pet.