May 4th was Star Wars day–”May the fourth be with you”–and editors Jennifer Wright and Ashley Cardiff should have done a Star Wars-themed post but they didn’t! Instead, they let their ideas ripen! If you need a refresher on how to play “Fuck, Marry, Kill,” well, that sure surprises us, but here’s one anyway. Today’s players are the original trilogy’s protagonists as well as the Big Bad.
Jennifer: So, this is probably the easiest “Fuck, Marry, Kill” we’ve ever done.
Ashley: I have to agree but I suspect for completely different reasons.
Jennifer: It’s obvious: Fuck Han, Kill Luke, Marry Darth.
Ashley: That’s deeply disturbing for at least three reasons, Jennifer.
Jennifer: Is one of them: “We agree?”
Ashley: No. I’ll agree that I, too, would initially choose to fuck Han Solo. Your first instinct should always be to fuck Han. Marry Luke because he’s boring and stable, and blankly virtuous. Kill Darth because obviously, you monster. But I’m here to explain how that impulse is wrong! As we learn from the novelizations–of which I read all–Han turns out to be a pretty decent husband and father, while Luke devotes himself to this Jedi academy off in the jungles of some Yavin (one of the Yavins) and kind of loses his mind. Several times. So actually you fuck Luke, boring though that may be, and you marry Han because Han is perfect. As we always knew.
Jennifer: WHAT? Okay, fine, Ashley, I have not read the novelizations, but I have heard you describe them enough to know that Ewoks are the most self-sacrificing and noble of races, and that someone fucks a ghost. I can’t remember who. That said – consider – seriously – the benefits of marrying Darth Vader. First of all, you’re always going to get to be the nice one. Second, he’s the most powerful man in the universe. And he has a Death Star, basically its own planet, which, thus far, has no defined “culture.” But tons of people. All of them loyal and obedient. You could turn that place into a Versailles that revolved only around your personal taste. There is no human real-world equivalent to marrying Darth Vader, because no one else will let you rule a land that is culturally a blank slate. How will people dress on the Death Star? The way you think is coolest. What music will people work to develop? Your favorite kind. What theater spectacles will go on? The kind you like. Or your husband will do the thing with his thumbs where he squeezes their head off! (Is that what he does?) I know this entails being some sort of monster Eva Peron-type leader. I know that. But, really, what’s the line between Eva Peron and Jackie O? People playing “Camelot,” I think.
Ashley: Oh my God, you just made a cogent argument for marrying Darth Vader. Your natural inclinations toward totalitarianism are unsettling, you know that, right? At some point you have to step away and recognize that you’re not the only one who thinks being a ruthless dictator would be cool.
Jennifer: I want to be a ruthless dictator over a world that can be entirely fashioned around my whims. It’s different. Look, would I change the stormtrooper outfits? Probably not. Would you see a lot of people wearing elaborate wigs, letting me win at craps and swing dancing in Givenchy? PROBABLY YES. Now, look, I’m not going to lie. The excesses of the Death Star would cause a small but vocal band of people to decry it as “decadent” and possibly attack it. But… wait.