• Mon, May 7 2012

F*ck, Marry, Kill: Han Solo. Luke Skywalker. Darth Vader.

What the fuck, Luke?

May 4th was Star Wars day–”May the fourth be with you”–and editors Jennifer Wright and Ashley Cardiff should have done a Star Wars-themed post but they didn’t! Instead, they let their ideas ripen! If you need a refresher on how to play “Fuck, Marry, Kill,” well, that sure surprises us, but here’s one anyway. Today’s players are the original trilogy’s protagonists as well as the Big Bad.

Jennifer: So, this is probably the easiest “Fuck, Marry, Kill” we’ve ever done.

Ashley: I have to agree but I suspect for completely different reasons.

Jennifer: It’s obvious: Fuck Han, Kill Luke, Marry Darth.

Ashley: That’s deeply disturbing for at least three reasons, Jennifer.

Jennifer:  Is one of them: “We agree?”

Ashley:  No. I’ll agree that I, too, would initially choose to fuck Han Solo. Your first instinct should always be to fuck Han. Marry Luke because he’s boring and stable, and blankly virtuous. Kill Darth because obviously, you monster. But I’m here to explain how that impulse is wrong! As we learn from the novelizations–of which I read all–Han turns out to be a pretty decent husband and father, while Luke devotes himself to this Jedi academy off in the jungles of some Yavin (one of the Yavins) and kind of loses his mind. Several times. So actually you fuck Luke, boring though that may be, and you marry Han because Han is perfect. As we always knew.

And he shot first!

Jennifer:  WHAT? Okay, fine, Ashley, I have not read the novelizations, but I have heard you describe them enough to know that Ewoks are the most self-sacrificing and noble of races, and that someone fucks a ghost. I can’t remember who. That said – consider – seriously – the benefits of marrying Darth Vader. First of all, you’re always going to get to be the nice one. Second, he’s the most powerful man in the universe. And he has a Death Star, basically its own planet, which, thus far, has no defined “culture.” But tons of people. All of them loyal and obedient. You could turn that place into a Versailles that revolved only around your personal taste. There is no human real-world equivalent to marrying Darth Vader, because no one else will let you rule a land that is culturally a blank slate. How will people dress on the Death Star? The way you think is coolest. What music will people work to develop? Your favorite kind. What theater spectacles will go on? The kind you like. Or your husband will do the thing with his thumbs where he squeezes their head off! (Is that what he does?) I know this entails being some sort of monster Eva Peron-type leader. I know that. But, really, what’s the line between Eva Peron and Jackie O? People playing “Camelot,” I think.

Ashley:  Oh my God, you just made a cogent argument for marrying Darth Vader. Your natural inclinations toward totalitarianism are unsettling, you know that, right? At some point you have to step away and recognize that you’re not the only one who thinks being a ruthless dictator would be cool.

Jennifer:  I want to be a ruthless dictator over a world that can be entirely fashioned around my whims. It’s different. Look, would I change the stormtrooper outfits? Probably not. Would you see a lot of people wearing elaborate wigs, letting me win at craps and swing dancing in Givenchy? PROBABLY YES. Now, look, I’m not going to lie. The excesses of the Death Star would cause a small but vocal band of people to decry it as “decadent” and possibly attack it. But… wait.

Share This Post:
  • Maggie

    Too easy!

    Fuck Hans Solo
    Marry Darth Vader (Hello Queen of the dark side,)
    Kill useless Luke Skywalker. (OR kill darth vader and marry heir skywalker)

    • Jennifer Wright

      Ugh, I can’t believe I did not even consider the heir aspect of this scenario. Though frankly, I have less issues imagining fucking a scaly bodied Darth Vader than I do Luke Skywalker. Luke is just so inspid and feeble.

    • Maggie

      Agreed! The power is a turn on, especially when pitted against someone who is full of doubt and still learning to believe in himself.

    • Alma

      Agreed!

  • JJ

    Obviously you marry Han (because as you said, he is perfect and also is Indiana Jones) and you fuck Darth Vader (because hello, hateful hate angry sex is the best kind of sex) and you kill Luke. Because he is boring. And who would miss him? Not I.

    • Maggie

      lol its unanimous that luke is boring and an uninteresting prospect, his first kiss was with his sister…

  • Lindsey

    Marry Han because the sex would be good and it would be a sweet marriage.

    Fuck Vader because I’m kinda into being choked during sex.

    Kill Luke because eww. I feel like he would cry after sex?

    • Sarah

      You cannot pass up the opportunity for sex with the force. I am fully on the fuck Vader bandwagon.

  • Somnilee

    Fuck Han, Marry Luke (I went to May 4th dressed as Mara Jade…) and Kill Vader because, well…he dies anyway?

  • Maggie

    I would love: Fuck, Marry Kill: Archie, Jughead & Reggie

    • Jennifer Wright

      This is brilliant. We’re doing it next week.

    • JJ

      Omg, yes. Amazing.

  • porkchop

    You have to marry Han because marrying a Jedi is dumb.

    Unfortunately, you now have to kill Vader, because while Han would probably be cool with you f***ing Vader (everyone has a past!) he couldn’t forgive you for killing Luke.

    Luke would not forgive you for killing Vader, so you have to do this in the right order.

    • Ashley Cardiff

      It’s offputting how impressed I am by this logic.

    • Megan Nicholls

      I was initially going to ask you to explain your “marrying a Jedi is dumb” argument, but then I thought about it, and damn if you’re not right.

      I’m flipping through movies and novels in my head and, in general, you attach yourself to a Jedi, and you’re screwed.

      Also: You kill Luke, and Mara Jade is coming after you. You can’t kill Luke.

    • http://www.facebook.com/lindsaychartman Lindsay Cross

      Yea, there’s really no way to argue with this at all.

    • porkchop

      Yeah!! I feel really validated, especially given the astonishing amount of Star Wars cred on this site.

  • Ashley Cardiff

    Two Mara Jade references so far in this thread? Have never been more proud, you guys. Never.

  • Megan Nicholls

    Does it make a difference to anyone that after Chewie dies, Han becomes a depressed alcoholic and completely checks out?

    I think I’m fucking Han in his prime, marrying Vader and enjoying the spoils of galactic domination–peacing out after he’s killed–and then doing the galaxy a favor and offing Luke.

    • Ashley Cardiff

      BUT WAIT. Chewie died because he was trying to save Anakin (for those of you who didn’t read all the books, not Anakin Skywalker, but Anakin his son with Leia).

      SO! If you end up marrying Han, then Han doesn’t marry Leia, which means they don’t ever have Anakin, which means Chewie doesn’t have to die trying to save him.

      WHICH MEANS, Han never becomes a depressed alcoholic and all’s well.

    • Megan Nicholls

      Touché, Cardiff. Touché.

    • MR

      Yeah, that last scene in ‘The Empire Strikes Back’ when Vader’s going to carbonite freeze Han. And Chewie’s freaking out, and Han tells him you need to take care of the Princess, and he refocuses. Fuck Vader. :)

    • Helen

      It’s Harrison Ford, I’ll take him in any condition I can get

  • Cassie

    You can’t marry Luke! He’s a Jedi!!!

    Plus you guys clearly missed all those fuck-me-now stares Anakin kept giving Padme, bless your souls. So the obvious solution to this is Fuck Vader, Marry Han, Kill Luke.

    • Sarah

      I reached the same conclusion partially because sex with Vader once would be very interesting to say the least. He can choke a man with the force, imagine what else he could do.

      Hells yeah marry Han.

      Let’s face it, Luke is really annoying. Death is the only option.

  • Rose

    I opted to fuck Luke, marry Vader, and kill Han. Coz yeah.

  • Lemona

    Luke saves the galaxy.

    Why have all of you forgotten that? I’m so tired of the “Luke is boring, Luke is weak” argument. He’s a KID when we first meet him, so sure he can be whiny. That’s part of the power of the story –were you not also a whiny kid, yearning to leave home and save the galaxy?

    Also, he’s a great friend. You don’t have to marry him or fuck him, but at least give him some credit!

    • Jennifer Wright

      Lemona, can you write 600-800 words on “Why Luke Skywalker Is Sexy?” so I can publish it immediately? THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW.

      (I mean, he’s not my type, but I think this is really interesting).

      Jennifer@thegloss.com

  • Sookie

    I know this is really old but I have to stand up for my first crush,, Luke is so sweet. So I’d fuck Han, marry Luke and kill Vader but it would break my heart to kill Vader because he’s cool. Can’t I kill Jabba instead? lol

    Luke is the perfect husband, for me anyway. And he can be taught what to do to make you happy. Ha. ;)

  • Amee Vader

    Ummmm, fuck Han because he is cool, Marry Vader because he is awesome, and kill Luke. sorry but Vader is just the best. :)