Dating Hijinks: The ‘CUL8R’ Guy

On Wednesdays, Amanda Chatel will be sharing stories about her strange, fascinating and sometimes wonderful dating life. If it makes you want to date, check out TheGloss dating page

I have stopped dating people for a myriad of reasons. From the color of their socks, to music collections, I have managed to take even the slightest issue that doesn’t fall into my “perfect fella” category and ended things. The decisions to do this can be based on my superficiality, my warped perception of life and love, and most likely, an overall fear of commitment, love, getting hurt and all that shit.

Recently, I’ve been hanging around with a fella we’ll call Tattoo Guy. Tattoo Guy, despite not having a traditional education that involves a college degree, is shockingly well-read, loves opera, is brilliant especially with regard to important things like world history and wine, and when he spends the night he puts on music like Duke Ellington to which we fall asleep. However, Tattoo Guy made an error the other night when he texted “R U there?” to me.

I’m fully aware that in 2012 this lingo has become commonplace, but it murders my soul. I’ve learned to stomach “LOL” because it’s so prevalent, but it’s been a long, uphill struggle. I stared at his text, and forwarded it along to friends whom I knew would understand; then I stared at it some more. Then, before I was completely done with staring at it and right before I deleted it, I was forced to remember “CUL8R Guy” from a while back.

CUL8R Guy wasn’t exactly the brightest bulb out there, but was also one of those who thinks he’s bright, so it’s sort of charming in this really weird and almost sad way. Had I known that a “CUL8R” was going to be in the future, I would have not dated him for as long as I did (yes, almost three months is long), but he was actually one of those people who calls instead of texts so the truth was hidden for a bit.

Of course, always looking for any reason to sabotage anything and everything, I found a flaw in his need to call. I didn’t want to talk on the phone; texting and email exist for a reason: so we can avoid excessive human contact as much as possible. For the sake of his (for lack of a classier or more mature way of putting it) talented tongue, I put up with all this phone calling as long as I could. Finally, I had to put an end to it. Unless you’re my immediate family, or my best friend Bess who lives in Pittsburgh, there really is no need to talk on the phone — especially when that talking involves dinner plans and the always popular “I’m running five minutes late.” Text it!

After a conversation that involved a white lie about how the speaker on my phone didn’t work, and we’d have to text until I got a new phone, I thought things were on the right track. Although his spelling — and yes, we all makes mistakes sometimes dear commenters who want to jump down my throat on this topic — was horrid, I convinced myself they were just typos. Then the “LOL” thing set in, and soon after, the “R U” this or that thing, and the afternoon I got the “CUL8R” text I knew that, talented tongue or not, I was out. If you can’t take the extra few seconds to type out “see you later,” then many things should be seriously considered; one of those things is potential longevity with a person. In my world, it’s deal breaker; there will be no “CUL8R” to be had.

I was honest with Tattoo Guy about this and even told him that I’d be writing about it. Tattoo Guy will not be texting “R U” anything to me again. Not because I’ve sent him packing, but because I decided to be honest for a change. It’s weird what honesty can do. Maybe this means CUL8R Guy and I could have had something beautiful? I guess I’ll never know; and I’m not about to text him to find out.

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    • Fabel

      Thank god you translated “CUL8R” into “see you later” towards the end– I was reading it as “color” the whole time because my brain just could not handle that shit.

      • Amanda Chatel

        HAHAHA… oh, I just “LOL’d!” I actually had to ask my roommate at the time what the fuck it meant… it took us a bit. It’s a tough one to figure out!

      • Sabrina

        I didn’t understand it either! I thought it might’ve been something like “cool, later” which I guess isn’t that far off from “see you later” but still.

      • Megan

        I was so confused at the “CUL8R” thing too. I thought it was some horrendous way of spelling “Call you later” or something along those lines. But I agree 100%, I cannot stand it when people can’t use proper grammar in texts, let alone in emails, or posts on facebook. Bugs the shit out of me.

    • Maggie

      Tattoo Guy sounds awesome! Don’t break up with him! At least not for that reason.

      When I first started dating my boyfriend, he used “your” when it should have been “you’re.” I’m a self-diagnosed grammar Nazi, so I corrected him. He has never used the incorrect form of “your/you’re” since. Keeper!

      • Amanda Chatel

        Nice work, Maggie!

        It should be noted that I’m not dating Tattoo Guy. I’m just sort of hanging around him and doing the sexy times… and sometimes he makes me omelets and tells me I’m sexy and smart and witty and pretty. After Swede (who was less than kind and told me I had cankles which I don’t fucking have!), it’s a very confusing situation. I had forgotten that nice fellas existed.

      • meteor_echo

        @Amanda Chatel

        I’d say go for it… he definitely sounds like a decent person who’d never tell you something as insulting as the previous guy did. (At least it’s worth a try in my opinion.)

    • Sarah!

      On every phone I’ve ever had, it’s harder to type numbers than letters. CUL8R would be super tricky. Way harder than just writing the words. Maybe he was unsure of the spelling and didn’t want you to think he was dumb.

      • Amanda Chatel

        Very valid point! “See you later” can be tricky for some.

    • Megan Nicholls

      My parents–both of whom have iPhones, and therefore, full keyboards at the ready–both use text lingo. My grandmother adores the expression “luv u”.

      I want to kill them all.

    • MR

      Duke Ellington huh? ‘Take the “A” Train’ – yeah, the shortest way to the Theatre District from High Street, Brooklyn. :)

    • Jennifer Dziura

      A text-lingo-prone friend of mine once read the back of a jar of some kind of foodstuff incorrectly: It turns out that “OMG! Sodium!” was actually “Zero milligrams of sodium.”

      • Krista

        Oh my, that is so funny! I recently discovered that as well, I always check sodium, so I originally read it correctly, but then I saw it said 0mg and lost it laughing!