Learning To Cook (Reluctantly): Fail. Day Of Fail.

Then, at 9:30, as I was leaving, to go home, and make a potato, for an hour, I got a text from my ex-boyfriend, with whom I sometimes get dinner, asking if I’d eaten. I had not. The answer to that was “No.” “Nooooooo,” said my belly, moving its belly button like an axolotl, “Nooooooooo.” If it had been anyone else I’d have said, “Come up to my apartment and sit for an hour and a half while I make us some delicious twice baked potatoes.” That is an offer people love! (No. No one loves sitting and waiting for a potato for an hour. I’d have given them a jar of peanut butter to eat, though, because that’s how I roll.)

But you really can’t invite anyone dated back to your apartment without making for a tense, awkward, awful situation. I don’t know. Maybe you can. You’re probably good at that. I just think the odds of that situation rapidly becoming awful are better odds than you’d see anywhere in Vegas.

So I said, “Let’s get sushi.” Look! I don’t like sushi that much! This was my best attempt to stay on track! Because, while you can clearly make many things, I am pretty sure one of them is not sushi. UNLESS you are in Wall Street. Charlie Sheen and Daryl Hannah do make awesome sushi off of that little hand-crank machine in that one scene in his uber-80s apartment.

charlie sheen

This is how people who make their own sushi look. Smug. They look smug.

Another food you cannot make is probably blowfish. I don’t know many good blowfish places. I don’t think anyone does other than Harrison Ford‘s character in Regarding Henry a movie that, at six, left me with the confused impression that Harrison Ford was a former lawyer who had been shot in the head while out buying cigarettes, and went on to became a successful actor.

In reality, Harrison Ford was originally a carpenter.

So, we went out and got sushi. I guess something bad happened at JP Morgan yesterday. That is your financial news of the day. Tell everyone you know.

I got some sushi with strawberry on it. It wasn’t bad, but it also wasn’t great, and I cursed myself for getting strawberry sushi when I had strawberries at home.

Then I remembered you really can’t make sushi at home, and I felt a little better.

CAN YOU?

I’m going to make a bunch of foods over the weekend, and photograph them with autofocus on, and report on this on Monday. Also, I apologize for being a failure, and I hope the news I brought you will make up for it on some small level.

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    • maggie

      we want the ex bf scoop!

      • Jennifer Wright

        He is lovely! And doing much better than JP Morgan. Businesses are people. Especially that one, because it has a people name.

      • Amanda Chatel

        Dearest Maggie:

        Please note that our beloved Jennifer will NEVER divulge the details of her current or past boyfriends… or even if she had a one-night stand last night. It’s not Jennifer’s style…

        Yes, I roll my eyes and sigh at this, too.

        But at least you have Jamie and I for such open-book behavior, right? That has to kinda count for something!

        (DAMN THAT MS. WRIGHT.)

    • Katy

      I made sushi once! With an ex boyfriend at his house…& then we got back together that night …& then we broke up again in the most horrible fashion.

      … so it is possible
      …but maybe not the best idea

    • Sarah!

      You can make a baked potato in the microwave. It only takes 6 minutes. Plus you get to stab it with a fork which is super fun.

      • Sarah!

        Also you can make sushi but I don’t think it is worth the effort. It takes a lot of supplies. It is like making crafts, but for food.

      • Jennifer Wright

        Doing this tomorrow, I wish someone had told me this sooner.

      • Sarah!

        Make sure to stab it. That part is important or your potato will explode. It’s hilarious, but you’ll be sad as soon as you realize that your dinner and your microwave are destroyed.

    • SB

      1) I may be the last human being to learn this, but baking potatoes on a baking stone (sometimes pizza stone) is vastly preferable to baking directly on the rack.
      2) You can make sushi at home, though I would find a high quality fish market rather than chancing a grocery. Since I’m a germaphobe, I tend to cook/fry or marinade like ceviche. Seaweed is usually available at whole foods, though my friends swear by asian groceries. They also make sticky rice in meal sized containers so you don’t have to worry about buying too much.

      • Jennifer Wright

        1) I don’t think a baking stone is a real thing that exists.
        2) YOU DO THIS? Please come to my apartment and live there forever.

    • Eagle Eye

      Yay! I’m glad that the bread helped the marshmallows!

    • MR

      Jennifer, are you asking how to make the potato cook more quickly? Or is it, what you do on the couch with your SO while it’s taking so long to cook? :) I had this very, very, very serious relationship with an Asian woman, and she used to make sushi all the time. I think SB’s comments do a good job of it, though I sometimes substitute regular tunafish with mayo in place of the raw fish. It’s a lot easier to prepare that way, and I think its flavor is reasonable aka it’s only a minimal downgrade. Though I’m sure real sushi eaters would disagree with me.

    • Kate

      I don’t use my microwave for baked potatoes, but I do bake them the first time ahead of time – so in this case, I would have used the hour before to bake it, then turned off the oven when I left (leaving the potato inside to finish cooking), then done the rest after getting home.

      I’ve found that as long as something’s going to be cooked again, you can do most of the earlier steps ahead of time and it doesn’t hurt at all. You could even bake the potato the day before and stick it in the fridge.

    • Amanda

      If you don’t want to microwave the potato, you can put a nail in each end (I keep some in the kitchen for this) and the potato will cook more quickly.