If this seems like a lot of exposition, it’s because Jennifer’s well-reasoned screed about calling people “crazy” made me feel like I should back up my claims. But if you need one more reason to dislike this person, he tried to guilt me into buying him dinner once by saying Jews were stingy, right to my Jew face. Not in a joking way, either! I’d already bought him dinner multiple times (I know). He never bought me anything. There’s so much more to tell, but you get the idea.
Now, let’s fast forward a very wee bit to the day I found myself naked and crying in his bathroom, not because I felt contrition over being a stingy Jew, but because I realized I’d been spending way too much time with someone I found kind of repulsive, and for what? Screaming orgasms? The book I thought I might write someday? Boredom? Loneliness? God, I hope I never have a daughter.
After processing these thoughts for a few days, I went back to tell him I no longer wished to know him. My memory is a little hazy here, but I think he tried to go down on me, and I just kind of went limp and rolled off the bed like, “look dude, I’m serious.” In a last ditch effort to manipulate, he said he loved me and wanted me to be his non-monogamous girlfriend, which made me laugh a little on the inside.
It was at this point that he pulled out his dick and started jerking off, begging me to stay there and watch him. I said that I would not. Then, the kicker: “You don’t care about me at all, do you?” Reader, I fled.
And that, my friends, is the story I wish I hadn’t remembered, but which I felt compelled to write once I did. I can’t wait to see what other fun anecdotes this show yanks out of the “NO” file buried deep in my brain.