• Thu, May 17 2012

Let’s Talk About The Time A Guy Jerked Off While I Was Trying To Break Up With Him

If this seems like a lot of exposition, it’s because Jennifer’s well-reasoned screed about calling people “crazy” made me feel like I should back up my claims. But if you need one more reason to dislike this person, he tried to guilt me into buying him dinner once by saying Jews were stingy, right to my Jew face. Not in a joking way, either! I’d already bought him dinner multiple times (I know). He never bought me anything. There’s so much more to tell, but you get the idea.

Now, let’s fast forward a very wee bit to the day I found myself naked and crying in his bathroom, not because I felt contrition over being a stingy Jew, but because I realized I’d been spending way too much time with someone I found kind of repulsive, and for what? Screaming orgasms? The book I thought I might write someday? Boredom? Loneliness? God, I hope I never have a daughter.

After processing these thoughts for a few days, I went back to tell him I no longer wished to know him. My memory is a little hazy here, but I think he tried to go down on me, and I just kind of went limp and rolled off the bed like, “look dude, I’m serious.” In a last ditch effort to manipulate, he said he loved me and wanted me to be his non-monogamous girlfriend, which made me laugh a little on the inside.

It was at this point that he pulled out his dick and started jerking off, begging me to stay there and watch him. I said that I would not. Then, the kicker: “You don’t care about me at all, do you?” Reader, I fled.

And that, my friends, is the story I wish I hadn’t remembered, but which I felt compelled to write once I did. I can’t wait to see what other fun anecdotes this show yanks out of the “NO” file buried deep in my brain.

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  • Christie

    “Yanks”. Heh. I see what you did there.

  • Nancy

    “My memory is a little hazy here, but I think he tried to go down on me, and I just kind of went limp and rolled off the bed like, “look dude, I’m serious.””

    I LOL’ed at that. Great story! Though it probably sucked at the time.

  • kjon

    The fact that he was aroused enough to jerk off in that situation is both impressive and fucked up.

    • Jamie Peck

      Pretty much!

  • Sam

    This is both disturbing and hilarious (in retrospect, o’course). I also LOL’d at the “look dude, I’m serious” bit, hehe.

  • Amanda Chatel

    Every episode of Girls is also a walk down memory lane for me. But this story puts all of mine to shame… at least of the ones I’ve chosen to remember.

  • Ashley Cardiff

    Your Jew face is like the sun.

    • Jamie Peck

      I’ll shine on you any day, baby.

  • Bob

    He got what was coming!

  • Anne Meyer

    Hope you could find someone to love so much. That guy is a fuck aficionado!

    • Jamie Peck

      Thanks! I have! My friend just asked me what this dude’s number is so he can hire him to sell real estate, hahaha.

  • Steve P

    You are a beautiful person, inside and out. I can tell that you are a person who cares about people, and that’s what counts. I hope you find the right man for you some day if you haven’t found him already, because you deserve the best!

  • Jay

    I was dumped by an ex who, despite having cheated on me, and who bragged about what a bad-ass, powerful independent woman she was for having cheated on pretty much every boyfriend before me; bragging rights were earned in her world view via the FACT that a woman who serial cheats does it because she is a strong goddess, with divine needs, wild and free like a force of nature, no man’s possession, and in no way similar to her male counterpart, the garden variety a**hole.

    She decided to break up with me because I’d become ‘emotionally unavailable’, which I can be sometimes, I admit, when my girlfriend has f***ed at least two guys behind my back and I’m left asking myself why I care about somebody who essentially thinks infidelity and callous disregard for every member of an entire gender’s feelings makes her a Suffragette.

    When she broke up with me/ delivered her self righteous monologue, I just remember thinking ‘You.utter.dick.head.’ but instead I just stared blankly at her, provoking an ‘is that it? you’ve nothing to say?’ response. So I took a breath and with affected calm I just said ‘I’m angry and I’m bored. But I was hoping you’d notice that from the silence and blank stare and just walk out.’ But after reading this, I really wish I’d just shrugged, taken my dick out and casually jerked off instead.

    • MR

      First time she f*cked you, was it at your place? That’s a silent threshold issue for me. If she doesn’t take me back to her place – into her world – the first night, she’s definately not commited relationship material.

    • Fu_Basho

      I guffawed.

      In that situation..that would’ve been the perfect response.

    • meteor_echo

      This ex of yours sounds like a despicable, wretched human being. There’s absolutely nothing empowering about cheating – she simply didn’t care how much she had hurt you.

      Also, casually jerking off would’ve been a great answer to her rant :D

  • dsar

    This is so obviously made up, I think the real question is why bother going to these extremes to get attention