• Tue, May 22 2012

Bullish Life: Terrified of Life After College? Read This.

That line — referenced on last week’s Mad Men — is from the poem Ozymandias, which you can read here.

So, let’s just get all this “humans are mortal” business out of the way first. (Holy shit, now I’m writing about the meaning of life. My last article was about how to succeed on OKCupid.)

As for fear of death, I think civilization only exists because we don’t think about it too much, except that we’re always thinking about it, and that’s why we build buildings or have babies or try to conquer all of Europe (for instance).

As an atheist, I tend to find comfort in photos of galaxies. How can you look at these (I Google image-searched “NASA galaxy photos”) and really think that humanity is all that important, or that your mistakes are going to cause the world to come crashing down? We’re just talking meat. We are messy, unorganized biological things; we spend 1/3 of our lives unconscious and don’t even really understand why, have to go to the bathroom more often than would be convenient, and we give birth — often fatally — in pools of blood. Oh, and we kill each other all the time. It’s a horror show!

According to Dave Enyeart, “If you want to know what happens to you when you die, go look at some dead stuff.” God Is Not Great writer Christopher Hitchens faced death admirably, and didn’t even regret his drinking and smoking.

So, live an ethical life with as much pleasure and panache as you can. It just so happens that humans are funny creatures: pursuing pleasure directly doesn’t work for any longer than about the length of a spring break. The ancient Greeks had it right: there are higher and lower pleasures. Living an ethical life with pleasure and panache requires doing all kinds of things that aren’t pleasurable in the moment, like learning to read, and going to college, and helping people, and building human connections so you can feel a sense of security. (See Bullish Life: Does Happiness Demand That We All Just Chill?.)

I probably can’t solve an existential quandary, but I can tell you that there’s a bell curve — you think about mortality a lot when you hit adulthood, and then I think it just doesn’t bother you too much for several decades, and then you get old and think about it a lot again. Here’s a thoughtful and gentlewomanly book about death and aging that I have not read because I’m saving it for when I get older: Somewhere Towards the End, by Diana Athill. Here’s a NYTimes article about Athill; she’s now 94.

Oh, and the fact that your mother has a brain tumor probably has something to do with these thoughts you’re having, don’t you think? You sound completely normal.

Meaningless stress helps no one.

Jeanne says she is “a pretty anxious person at the best of times.” I’ve written about this a lot. I’ve had my stress meter reset by the failure of my company when I was 23. Please see Bullish: Overcoming Perfectionism (and Still Being a Special Unicorn).

If you fail at something, or let someone else down, nothing is improved by your beating yourself up about it.

When someone disappoints you, do you ever think, “I hope she’s sitting on her ass, doing nothing, thinking about what a bad person she is”? Probably not. Either you think, “That’s too bad,” or you want an apology, or you wish that person would get up and actually fix the problem, or else you don’t actually think about it that much at all.

There’s no prize for suffering.

For instance: This column is really late. You know what stupid thing I did for about an hour before catching on? I moped around the apartment all grumpy because I didn’t get enough done today, and told my fiancé that I couldn’t go to bed until I did some more things. “What things?” he wanted to know. “Just … more.” I knew I wasn’t going to write an article at 11:30pm, but I felt that staying up and doing computer things (at a standing desk, no less!) was proper penance for my unproductiveness.

And then I walked by my espresso machine and realized I was being an idiot; it would be both more pleasurable and more productive to go to bed, get up early, drink some coffee, and be more productive tomorrow. Staying up late having unproductive time now is actually stealing productive time from the morning. Suffering is not inherently virtuous.

If you feel all kinds of stress and tension and anxiety about the “real world” (as though up until this point you have been made of smoke effects and optical illusions!), suffering isn’t going to pay in advance for your mistakes. You’ll fuck things up at some point. As long as you don’t kill anyone, you might as well enjoy yourself whenever you can.

Adulthood is relative.

Being a 22 year old college graduate out in the world feels really adult. It’s impressive when you go back to your old high school and help direct the school play or whatnot. But to lots of other people, you’re still a kid. You can fuck up pretty bad and later just blame it on being 22.

Freedom to fuck up means that now is a really good time to start a company, travel, or make other big moves. Or just buckle down and get ahead of all your peers. (See Bullish: Maybe Work-Life Balance Means You Should Work MORE.)

Also, your mother has a brain tumor. If you accomplished nothing for the next year while you moved back home and helped out, that would be fine. If you go get a job but are really distracted because of your mom, that would be very understandable also. Other people are mostly too concerned with their own business to judge your accomplishments anyway. In fact, people don’t judge each other’s accomplishments as often as you’d think anyway; throughout life in general, you’re much more likely to be judged by your appearance, articulateness, and ability to make other people feel good about themselves.

Plenty of older folks out there, if they read TheGloss, would surely think it’s adorable that someone my age is giving advice. Lots of people think you’re not really grown up until at least fifty. It’s all relative.

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  • Jeanne D’arc

    Thank you Jen, big bullish plans in the works once this degree is out of the way!

  • Sam

    I am so, so glad that you wrote this article. I graduated three days ago and am moving from LA all the way to NY and am TERRIFIED. I actually feel better now, so thank you.

  • Jenn

    Thank you so much for this. I graduate in two days and was in tears this morning. I won’t say I won’t be crying again an hour from now or walking across the stage in two days but I feel significantly less sick to my stomach now.

  • Eagle Eye

    I’m sending this to my sister who just graduated last week!

  • Lindsey

    Jen, I was thinking of you at work (fast food restaurant… dumb summer job) and something occurred to me. You say your phone is set so everything goes to voicemail, and e-mail is the best way to get to you. What do you do in case of emergency? Like, if something happened to a loved one? Do you have a personal cell phone?

    Just curious!

  • matbo

    Ironically this article made me terrified!

    Because I am actually not terrified I guess…like maybe I lack ambition and maybe the path I am taking is not where I am good…but the thing I’m good at is just so…adult. I want to be young and CRAYCRAY and say things like “CRAYCRAY” and pretend they actually work…oh dear.