• Tue, May 22 2012

We Were Rejected By A Men’s Magazine – And Lived To Tell. Here. On TheGloss.

Hi Peter!

“Are you really going to wear that?”

How many times has a woman asked you to tuck in your shirt, change your jeans or shave your beard? And it’s not just aesthetic adjustments. Everywhere are the telltale signs of change-the-channel male acquiescence to the female credo that a mate is something to be molded into shape.

So if it starts with the shirt, it doesn’t end until you’ve agreed that a Maltipoo is a lot more practical than a Labrador. But, if the majority of women are amateur editors, we are the professionals. So we’re volunteering to see what happens when the tables are turned and men are allowed to do the editing.

We want to know what guys think they want, what they wish they could tell their girlfriends.

We’ll write about our experiences for Esquire in a column called “Designing Women.”

Best,
Andrea Kasprzak and Megan Baldwin

No response.

So, we waited a bit before cooking this one up:

Dearest Peter,

After spending the bulk of our 20s immersed in a deadline-driven culture, being impatient has become a virtue. And although we’ve done an impressive job securing bylines, reality TV show contracts and other good-on paper items, our success (even if mentally taxing) haven’t satisfied in that physically drained, pass-out-on-the-pillow sort of way.

So we want to take a walk on the other side and learn what it’s like to put your blood, sweat and maybe even a few tears into something.

For our first test we want to learn to surf. The ultimate lesson in going with the flow, we want to spend a weekend moonlighting as authentic surf bums. Yes, we’ll fall on our faces and probably get totally thrashed, but in the process we might also gain an appreciation for what’s it’s like to be along for the ride — the thrill and the exhaustion.

All the best,
Andrea Kasprzak and Megan Baldwin

No response. Shocker! This babe was playing hard to get! We must need a more direct approach: the fan mail section.

Dear Esquire.

We are writing for about the 50th time (okay maybe about 4th or 5th) because for the past three years, your editorial staff has been playing hard to get. Sure, our attempts might have seemed grandiose, narcissistic even. Yet, we feel misunderstood: it’s not professional advancement we’re after, it is true love.

We were trying to use your pulpy pulpit to further our life goal of finding our perfect male specimen (naturally a subscriber of yours.) Our hope — be it through assignments to explore uncharted lands, camp in urban environs or whatever else we’ve sent Peter — was that our soul mate would be wooed by our prose (and the accompanying 8 X 10s) and stirred to seek us out.

Alas, with our days in the twenty something demographic dwindling, we were hoping you might re-print this letter in your venerable fan mail section.

MEB + ARK

Still… nothing! Undeterred, last week we crafted one final (well, let’s be serious, probably not) letter. It was direct and gentle on the crazy. Our goal: to cover the Pitchfork festival. We’re going anyway, so it seemed logical to turn our lady reunion into a working trip.

Hi Peter!!

OMG it’s been awhile, right?

Undeterred by your continued efforts to play hard to get, we’re back.
But don’t worry. This time, we don’t want Hearst to pay us to camp out
in a park or become surf bums (though that would be sort of ideal) —
we just want to cover Pitchfork.

At approximately 3 pm PETER C. MARTIN wrote back.

Megan,

Thanks for the pitch. I don’t think is something we’d really do in the magazine, but I did forward it on to our web editor. I’m not sure if they’re planning on covering Pitchfork, but if they are, and if this is something that might fit, I’m sure they’ll be in touch.

Best
Peter

It wasn’t quite what we wanted, but it was a response. We think he really likes us. The lesson here, guys: the squeaky wheel gets rejected, or at least responded to. So go after your babes without shame. The worst they can say is no thanks, I don’t think this is something we’d really do. Or maybe they’ll get drunk, say yes, and you’ll be the best sex they’ve ever had. What do you have to lose? Your ego might get a few bumps and bruises, but if you actually end up with what you want, won’t it be worth it.

We love you, Peter.

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  • Kj

    All of your columns sound amazing! I totally would have read them, although I’m not in the target audience.

    Keep reaching for that rainbow!