Is Everyone Doing Cocaine Without Me?

And, most importantly, I really like drinking, so I’m pretty sure I’d love drugs in a way that would mean I would never be able to do my job or generally be a person ever again. I kind of think that this should be the public service message delivered to children. Not “don’t do drugs, you’ll believe you can fly and become a cannibal” but “don’t do drugs, you will like them so much you will never do anything productive again.”

I guess they don’t say that because that could be seen as an endorsement.

So, yes, that is why I am hugs not drugs. But not hugs, either. My people are Nordic.

I guess that’s why I’m T-Rex awkward arms, not drugs.

And I kind of assumed that I was, if not in the majority among my social circle, at least in a largish minority? Though, admittedly, I’ve only recently gotten to the point where I can tell if someone is doing cocaine.

That is to say, when people corner me and begin literally pressing against me while telling me fast paced stories about nothing, I no longer assume they are just “snappy with a poor sense of spacial relations”. Seriously – I’m quite good at this. I whisper to people “I think that girl is coked out right now”. It makes me feel sophisticated.

Until a few days ago, when I discovered that apparently everyone I have ever met has done cocaine. Just, all of them. Across the board. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if my friends were all partying at Studio 54, but it’s 2012. My friends aren’t really Studio 54 party types, either? I mean, I think, if anything they’d be more Max’s Kansas City. Which, to be fair, was also a place where there was a whole lot of cocaine.

And I wouldn’t be surprised if they’d all done pot, because no one would be surprised by that.

But cocaine? Are we living in a Jay McInerney novel? Are we all just fact checking at the New Yorker and hoovering huge piles of yayo? How does that not negatively impact one’s fact-checking skills? Is it fair to call it yayo? I guess I’ll ask everyone I know.

Where do they even get the cocaine? Where does anyone procure cocaine? This isn’t incredibly naive, right? This is just some bizarre New York media thing, surely? Most people are not doing piles of blow? If every housewife in Middle America is snorking up coke like Big Bird and I have only just learned how to tell when cocaine is being done I am going to feel like a comically unsophisticated fool.

So, I’m thinking of starting a super cool club for anyone else who is not currently doing all the yayo. It will be very sophisticated, in its own way. I think we should sit and watch movies, and eat food, and not metabolize it really quickly. We’ll eat low calories but flavorful food, that’s what we’ll do. Please raise your hand if you would like to join my club, because I am feeling kind of alone right now.

We can watch Scarface, if you want. I am open to other movie suggestions, too.

(Also, let’s discuss how we know people are doing coke! I have never actually seen someone grind their teeth, but I hear it’s a thing. I mostly hear it from Bret Easton Ellis and Jay McInerney).


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    • Lindsay Cross

      Jen, you aren’t alone. I actually am a housewife in Middle America, but I have never done coke. I’ve seen people use cocaine, also in college, but I’ve never been a big fan of drugs or other mind-altering substances in general.

      I’ll join your club and we can watch whatever movie you want. Or we can go out and play 3rd Wife, Mistress or Hooker again. I really need to redeem myself there.

    • Lauren

      I have never done cocaine. It took me a few minutes to decide how to say that without sounding like an idiot. Can you say you’ve never done cocaine? Yeah, that’s the level I’m at with cocaine. I don’t even know how to properly dismiss it as something that’s never made it’s way into my system.

      I’ve only ever been in contact with one person I was positive was all coked out. That is to say, I have no idea when anyone is coked out unless they still have powder on their nose. That guy was on the train with me leaving NYC at 3am, and I had no idea how to get him away from me. He got off at a stop before I did. So I guess, living further away from the city is my only defense against coked out people… That was about 5 years ago and I don’t think my reaction would change.

      I guess we could also watch Studio 54. Was that a bad movie? I never saw it… It looked bad. Probably because I don’t understand cocaine.

    • Kj

      So. Literally all of my social circle are pretty dedicated pot users. I found that surprising… but also not.

      The only people I know that have done cocaine (at least that I know of) fall pretty firmly into your “never do anything productive again” category – or at least, are pursuing lifelong careers in the hospitality industry. As in, servers. For ever. Le shudder.

      • traci

        i have tried coke. most everyone i know has tried coke. and none of us are servers. we all have pretty good jobs. you can do the drugs all day long. you cant let the drugs do you.

      • JC

        As someone who was a server for a very long time (putting myself through college and grad school), can I just say stfu, you snobby jackass? I have also done coke plenty of times, as have a lot of my friends, and am finishing my PhD, so, again, stfu.

        You know why people feel sorry for servers? Because we have to deal with jerks like you who think they are so much better than lowly servers.

      • Sarah

        I do know a lot of servers that are way into coke. I don’t think it’s that they have no ambition, or suck in any way really. It’s more so the hours of the job, the fact that they have a lot of cash on hand, a closer connection to a supplier, and that they’re probably working and trying to go to school with little time for sleep, etc. Oh and they hate their job and need to cope somehow.

      • Kj

        Lol JC, wow. A little overreactive much?! I knew these people because I was a server with them. Holy shit. When I say “servers, forever, le shudder” I am shuddering at the possibility of being a server my entire life. These seems like a very dismal prospect precisely because everybody looks down on you. Clearly it is not a career that you yourself intended to pursue forever, what with your PhD and such.

        The people that I am referring to were the sort that worked all day serving and then spend everything on partying afterwards, never saving anything or pursuing *any* sort of interests beyond partying. That is not a situation I would like to be in at age 30+. Hence, *le shudder*

        Nowhere did I say that all servers were cokeheads/lowly, or that all cocaine users were useless or unproductive. Apparently getting your PhD did not require much reading comprehension, imagination, or knowledge of basic courtesy.

    • Alle C

      I’ve never done coke either. Not only does that make me a complete oddity in my circle of friends, but I’m also (charmingly? touchingly?) ignorant about drugs in general.

      There was one time where a lot of my friends were asking me for this guy’s number. He and I weren’t exactly best friends but we’d talk when we’d see one another, so I was really confused. “WHY DOES EVERYONE WANT (redacted)’S PHONE NUMBER?” I asked four of my friends one day after a particularly intense request. “IS HE THAT COOL? IS HE SOOOO FUN TO HANG OUT WITH?”

      That’s when they told me that he was a pretty big-time drug dealer.

    • Marissa

      Yeah, I would say I’m in the minority of my friends as well and haven’t tried it. Nor do I have any desire to. I totally blame this on (give credit to) when Regina Morrow died in Sweet Valley High from taking one hit of cocaine, and also the time my old roommate had terrible diarrhea while coked out.

      Now we can all just look at Rielle Hunter for the long-term affects of cocaine. Because who wants to end up with John Edward’s love child, consulting a spiritual guide whether or not you should eat that reuben sandwich.

    • MM

      Well, it depends on your social circles. In college, nobody I knew did coke – it was seen as kind of bourgeois, the drug of the rich and snobby. In the music/art/party scene, it’s pretty common even here. I imagine that’s even more so in New York.

      I’ve only done coke a few times, before deciding that I liked it too much to ever take it again.

    • Trista

      When I was 20, I remember kissing my boyfriend and noticing a strange bitter taste in my mouth afterward. I asked him what it was, and he admitted that he had rubbed cocaine into his gums at a party earlier.

      So, I haven’t done cocaine, but I’ve inadvertently tasted it. Can I still be in. the club?

      • Jennifer Wright

        Yes, but you have to handle Netflix rentals. Also, I imagine it tastes like altoids. Correct?

    • Ruby
    • Trista

      It tasted sort of like when you accidentally spray perfume into your mouth.

      Other people have done that, right?

    • MR

      Yeah, not the way to go. People I hung out with in South America the first time used to do some. Not too much though, just enough to make you have sex all night. None of them were addicts. Easy to slip in though if you’re not careful. I used to drink a lot of beer too. Aguila, its label had a Black Eagle on it.

    • Maria

      I live in a neighborhood where probably 89% of the dust is cocaine , but haven’t tried it. I’d like too find out what it’s like, but I’d never buy it on the street out of fear to snort rat poison or glass or something. Unfortunately, there are not that many trustworthy retailers for coke, so I’m out.

    • Eileen

      I’ve never done cocaine.

      BUT. I used to go to (suburban) parties where there was pretty much every kind of drug. I never did any of them because I am the kind of holier-than-thou girl who will look down on you for smoking pot. But I did get to observe the effects. And cocaine is fucking nasty. It makes you obnoxious to be around (chalk talk!), and if you’re a man is not kind to your erections (I don’t want to talk about it!).

      • MR

        That’s why you don’t do too much and also drink which works as a downer with it. It would take me a long time to orgasm, but I could go all night.

    • Tania

      I would join that club.

      Never have done, never have had any interest in doing cocaine. I don’t get it.

      Honestly, the thought of getting high terrifies me because even being drunk scares me a little.

    • lili L

      can i be treasurer of this club? for real, i still haven’t figured out when people are coked up yet, and i wear my ignorance of uppers proudly. Considering that most NYers are already neurotic and high strung, amplifying that with coke or speed creates the most obnoxious human being known to man.

    • Eagle Eyele

      I’ve never done cocaine, or seen anyone ever do cocaine and I would be honestly shocked to learn that anyone I’ve met has ever done cocaine, that’s the extent of my naivety

    • Sarah

      Never ever done cocaine, or really anything. I have a huuge family history of substance abuse and I know I’d love it way too much and never be able to stop. Horrible, but I’ve gotten pretty good at spotting users. It is crazy surprising how many people do it!

      I’d be totally down for joining the club! We can watch Blow. I do like the drug movies myself. And Johnny Depp.

    • MJ

      I went to a bit of a party school where I heard that many people did cocaine all the time, or something, but I must literally be blind because I had no idea. None. And I went to parties often–though I suppose you do cocaine in the bathroom? And I never pee at parties because the toilets are gross? So my bladder control caused my extreme naivete, I guess.

    • MaddyJay

      I’m in, club-wise. Thanks for coming out of the closet. I was pretty sure everyone in the world was into cocaine but me. I haven’t tried it because I’m anxious to begin with and I’m pretty sure I’d end up obsessively checking my pulse and then taking myself to the hospital. But yeah. Everyone does coke except for us.

      • Eagle Eye

        Hahah, yeah, I’m the same way, I’m pretty sure that I would convince myself that I’m going to die of an overdose or something….and just have a panic attack, which just doesn’t sound like much fun

      • Jennifer Wright

        I truly do not understand how people have good experiences on drugs. You know how the guy tells Roger Sterling before taking LSD “you don’t set out on a ship thinking it’s going to sink, do you?”

        YES YOU DO. YES YOU DO. That’s how I set off on planes, and that is why I would have some sort of nightmare experience if I tried anything.

      • MaddyJay

        Agreed. I think acid would be worse than coke. I’d be all “I wonder if spiders are going to crawl all over me and I’m going to scratch out my eyes??” And then I wouldn’t be able to think about anything else…

      • Eagle Eye

        LOL, which is exactly why I went to see the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam while friends of mine tried ‘shrooms.

        Definitely a good decision on my part

      • MM

        Acid is definitely worse! I mean, it’s not nearly as bad for you physically and you have the potential for life-altering epiphanies, but if you have a neurotic/depressed/nervous mind you’re in bad trip city. I have done coke, speed, ecstasy, pills etc. without a bad experience but the first and only time I did acid I ended up running half-naked through my friend’s apartment, tearing at my hair and wailing.

      • MR

        Jennifer, it’s okay that you don’t want to. I stopped when I came back East from Southern California to go to grad school, and this includes the summer I lived in Brazil in ’89. When I was in high school, mid thru late ’70s, there was this phrase ‘Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll’. But in real life it went more like this: drugs, alcohol, rock & roll, and then sex. Hey, I survived and it was a good time, but you grow out of it. That is if you want to have a future.

    • Magda

      So, I have never done cocain. I have had the opportunity to, and passed. Mostly because, like Jennifer, I’m afraid that I would like it and a family history of addiction keeps me straight.

      BUT! A lot of people I know have done coke/do it regularly/soicially. At my high school a lot of girls did coke. But, to perpetuate the cliche/stereptype, they were mostly trust-fund girls with too much money from daddy types. I did know a Coke dealer once(does that give me street cred?) He was kind of strange and his girlfriend was always high.

      When I confessed to my friend, who has done coke, my fear of the drug. She was like, “Oh! You’ll totally love it. Its the best! But you cant do it all the time… Maybe like once a month.”

    • SO

      A couple of things. Coke is also prominent in the hair industry. I worked at a hair salon when I was in high school. Some of the hair dressers were always coke out (I guess it helped them get through the day), but I thought that they just drank 7 shots of espresso on the reg. Then, when they’d crash, I’d assume they didn’t sleep all night and got punched in the face.

      THEN, I decide to accompany a friend to a sketchy new year’s party. The host enthusiastically asks “who wants coke?” It didnt daunt on me that this suit-clad banker was offering me the nectar of his people. Before I could say “I only drink water”, my friend enthusiastically shouted “ME! ME! I WANT IT NOW.” I held her hair back when she was throwing up.

    • Liz

      I’ve never done coke and don’t know anyone who has, but I’m very much middle of nowhere absolute shithole semi-rural midwest and it’s all meth for miles here. I’m sure I’ll run into it once I move someplace that doesn’t smell like cow shit, though.

    • Will

      Colombian Cold. Not worth it.

    • Spastastic

      I’ll join the club! I’ve never done coke, but I have friends who have/do and it’s a little weird to me. I just have no desire whatsoever to even try it. I’ll stick to booze.

    • Sally

      LOVE THIS!! HI5!! Yes, I too am an Illicit Drug Virgin, but i enjoy wine tremendously! I too, think I know when a person is a Coke Head or a Meth Addict; but I’m probably wrong. I am SHOCKED by the idea that you can buy cocain outside of New York City or Colombia. I have no idea in this universe where I could go if I wanted to buy cocain, or how to tell if it was “GOOD” or not. (except obviously, the neighborhoods on “The First 48″) This article was hilarious! Great Job!

    • Information

      i have not done coke in a long time but when i did I liked to shoot
      it rather than snort.
      back in the day it was called “rich man’s speed”

    • Max100

      Ive done coke once, I didn’t really like it. The only reason i tried it because i wanted to see what the whole myth about it was. I guess the people that love coke are the people who like to drink gallons of caffine during the day. I don’t like energy drinks I can barely finish a cup of coffee without practically spinning out of the room. However, I admit…. i love weed, thats the drug for me. I love the way it makes me feel, think and actually act. (does weed make me a better person?) I haven’t smoked in like a year unfortunetly because I am kinda broke . But once the money starts flowin, Im back on the wagon agiain.

      • sasqwatch

        Just so you know, “On the Wagon” means abstaining. Falling off the wagon means using.

    • rita

      I’ve done coke – more than once- I love it – and I’m not doing coke Right Now.

      In fact, I haven’t done it since a friend offered me a line two New Years’ ago. Your article is cute in the way I was in high school when my friends started going to raves and doing coke and I was afraid to try X; go dancing all night at an illegal function; drive with someone who is intoxicated and try cocaine, although I was much more afraid of X. (and I tried it… loved it.)

      I love drugs! but I don’t go back to most of them because I am still that scared little girl who doesn’t want to feel strange in a bad way. So, all I’m trying to say is you sound like your bashing on everyone for doing some drugs sometimes. It DOES NOT mean we are addicted and doing it right now. I am glad I’ve done what I’ve done, and I would do coke again, although I wouldn’t do almost every other drug I tried in high school. [ I do smoke a lot of weed though. ] On the other hand, I kinda hate drinking. yeah yeah, being drunk is fun (for about an hour) but everything else sucks! I hate not being in control of myself and that’s probably why I prefer an enhancer drug like coke over a destablizer like alcohol.

      Actually scratch that… I prefer a wee bit of alcohol to go with the cocaine over a completely hammered drunk night. This is also why I am the most boring 22 year old any of my friends know.

      • Lindsay Cross

        Aw Jen, did you see that? This boring 22-year-old thinks your article is cute… How sweet.

      • Magda

        Did your occasional drug use mess with your reading-comprehension? Because I’m pretty sure Jennifer wasn’t “bashing” anyone. In fact, I’m pretty sure that “Bashing” people (for the most part) goes against the grain of theGloss. But thank you for your opinion that seems to inadvertently bash people “too boring” to try drugs. I wish I was as cool as you.