F*ck, Marry, Kill: Game Of Thrones Characters

EIC Jennifer Wright is locked into this season of Game of Thrones. Deputy editor Ashley Cardiff hasn’t watched any of season two because… because she worries. Still, there’s a lot of hot, complicated men on the show and we thought we’d do a Fuck Marry Kill on the subject. Also, we’re aware that Jezebel did this already (albiet in a different format) but we’re firmly convinced they plagiarized us! Damn their time machines! 

Jennifer: Wait! WAIT! I WOULD LIKE TO OBJECT. Why is Tywin Lannister not on this list? Is it because I love him too much? Is it because he is to TOO heroic?

Ashley: It’s because you have a problem. And you’re obsessed with power more than… any Game of Thrones character, I guess. And we can’t do all Lannisters. I made the concession for Jamie even though he pushed a child out a window.

Jennifer: But Tywin hates illiteracy!

It's true if a meme says so.

Ashley: Also, you totally bullied me into this even though you know full well I haven’t seen a single episode of Season 2. Because it stresses me out.

Jennifer: And Tywin, also, is ruthlessly dedicated to his work. Since you have not seen season 2, I’ll say there’s a great scene with Tywin where he’s working on battle plans, and one of his generals says “perhaps we’d benefit from a rest” because they’ve gone without sleep for three days and Tywin is all “perhaps you would, go take one at your castle and never show your face here again.” Also, he’s really nice to Arya.

Ashley: Arya is his servant? Also, that sleep thing is fucked up. It’s strategizing, not hell week in SEAL training.

Jennifer: Wait! Look at how badass he is! Actually, this is just nice. This is just a nice exchange:

Arya Stark: Visenya Targaryen was a great warrior. She had a Valyrian steel sword she called “Dark Sister.”

Tywin Lannister: Hm. She’s a heroine of yours, I take it. Aren’t most girls more interested in the pretty maidens from the songs? Jonquil, with flowers in her hair?

Arya Stark: Most girls are idiots.

Tywin Lannister: [laughs] You remind me of my daughter. Where did you learn all this stuff about Visenya and her Valyrian steel sword?

Arya Stark: From my father.

Tywin Lannister: [gives Arya a searching look] He was a well-read stonemason? Can’t say I’ve ever met a literate stonemason.

Arya Stark: Have you met many stonemasons, my lord?

Tywin Lannister: [with a small smile] Careful now, girl. I enjoy you, but be careful.

Ashley: This tells me nothing.

Jennifer: It tells you that he’s not only the most powerful man in Westeros, he’s also nice to his servants. The true test of character being how well you treat those you don’t HAVE to be nice to, etc.

Depends on what you mean by nice.

Ashley: It’s true. It’s why you should never date someone who’s an asshole to waiters. Let’s step away from Tywin though, because he’s not in this fucking competition.

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    • endn

      okay I am not pro lannister but I just voted on Jennifer’s lines, because Jon Snow is boring, tyrion is gorgeous and hilarious and smart and hates his terrifying father and sister and hearts Shae and would make an amazing partner as long as Tywin didn’t get involved and send in mroe soldiers to attack tyrion’s new wife, and Jaime is a little scary too but super hot and sexy and dirty, not a good person but definitely worth it to show him the joys of non-incestuous sex. yes!

    • Aj

      This FMK has totally made me realize that I hate boredom above all else, even plain out evil. Because of this, Fuck Jaime (despite his avid child-killing and the fact that he’d be pretending I was his sister the entire time, I think he’d be a good time for a night…), Marry Tyrion (how could you not? I’m so jealous of Shay.), and Kill Jon Snow (I pray they kill his boring ass off every episode).

      I’m well aware of how fucked up my mind works….but I’m okay with it.

    • Maria

      Jennifer, you’re not watching Jon’s storyline? HE’S FIGHTING FUCKING ZOMBIES!!! Ok, he’s fairly boring an predictable, but so are all the characters on The Walking Dead an it’s still a great show because they have a ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE going on.

      I’d obviously marry Tyrion because we’d have so much fun drinking and playing games with hot wax all night while making witty remarks about less awesome people.

      Kill Jaime because he’s such a pretty boy and I hate stupid, arrogant family (sorry Jennifer, you’re wonderful).

      Fuck Jon, because maybe then he’d relax a bit.

    • KeLynn

      Holy crap. I have never seen this show, but judging by the guy in the header on the right, I need to start watching NOW.

      • Ashley Cardiff

        JON SNOW. He is very handsome (in a concerned way).

    • len132

      I actually love Jon, but I’m afraid that I just couldn’t deal with the whining for years of marriage. So fuck him, because he is rather hot. Kill Jaime because he is a child killer, and marry Tyrion because he is good at sex and we could have an open marriage. Also, he is hilarious.

    • Melinda

      I love how somehow Tyrion is winning both Fuck and Marry (as of this comment).

      Also, does nobody else find Jaime to be a bit of a whiner as well? He’s so relentlessly “I don’t give a fuck” and then every time someone calls him the kingslayer he mopes about vows and loyalty and blah blah blah. He obviously does care that people think he’s a baddy but then he tries to murder children. I’d kill him just to make him shut up. At least Jon’s quiet.

      • Ashley Cardiff

        This is a good point.

    • Elizabeth

      No. Fuck Tyrion, Kill Jon Snow, Marry Rob Stark. Because Rob Stark is the damned best.

      If I could convince him to move out of Alaska, I’d marry Rob Stark tomorrow.

    • Maggie

      There are so many sexy men on Game of Thrones, you almost have to divide them by family! You could do the Starks: Robb, Ned (cause really, Sean Bean. How are ya.) and Jon Snow; the Lannisters: Tywin, Tyrion, and Jaime; and then a supporting characters one with anyone except Theon Greyjoy. You should all hate Theon Greyjoy.

      • Ashley Cardiff

        He’s a dick.

    • Ethan

      Marry Tyrion because he seems like the best person, the one I’d want in my life forever. He’s also – as discussed – unreasonably gorgeous, and I want to marry someone whose company I enjoy and Tyrion’s razor sark and parfait bon mots just make me absurdly happy. We would mock the world together for decades, and it would be beautiful. Jamie is… Jamie. Kill. Jon is pretty, but oh-so-sincere and boring, I’d fuck him but can you imagine how tiresome all that angsty noble sacrifice would get after a while? Marry Tyrion, Fuck Jon, Kill Jamie.