• Tue, May 29 2012

F*ck, Marry, Kill: Game Of Thrones Characters

Ashley: Okay, anyway. I already know mine.

Jennifer: I know mine, too!

Ashley: Kill Jaime, because he pushed a child out a window. Marry Jon (even though I can’t and he’s a virgin) because he’s dutiful and good-looking. Fuck Tyrion. I know a lot of ladies would marry Tyrion, even though he’s really smug. But he’s still Peter Dinklage under all that smugness and therefore very, very handsome.

Jennifer: Okay, frankly, I no longer watch Jon’s story line because all he does is be sad and earnest and never makes good jokes. Umm, I feel pretty bad for Jaime because it’s revealed he’s dyslexic, and Twyin made him spend 4 hours a day reading until he learned, by God (I kind of think Tywin might be a member of the sleepless elite who only require four hours of rest a night?) (I find that overpoweringly attractive?)

Ashley: Oh, like Bill Clinton! I love those people. It’s unbelievable. However, reading 4 hours a day to “fix” it? Can you really just headbutt dyslexia like that? I don’t think that’s very realistic.

DYSLEXIA PILEDRIVE

Jennifer: Here, watch this clip, this is how it works.

Ashley: No. No we are not talking about Tywin. You are hijacking this Fuck Marry Kill with your weird quest for power. Your bloodlust.

Jennifer: Look, I just love reading. Also, people with warm hearts under their extreme frosty exteriors.

Ashley: Great. You love stock characters.

Jennifer: Okay, so my decision is Tywin rides in on a fucking white horse, just like he does in the actual show. Then we marry. Umm, Tyrion can be there and make so many good jokes! It will be great. Jaime can also be there. He can read stuff because his father – who probably had shit to do, because he’s the most powerful man in Westeros – took 4 hours a day out of his schedule to read with him. And, I guess Snow or Rob Stark or whoever the other one is can die.

If Ashley had a type it would be "men with knitted brows and permanently concerned expressions."

Ashley: YOU ARE IGNORING THE PROMPT. Also, you’re having a father-son orgy with a tyrant and a child killer while an immediate relative stands by and makes wisecracks. You’re sick.

Jennifer: I NEED THE FREEDOM TO BE THE KIND OF WOMAN I WANT TO BE.

Ashley: Okay, since we haven’t actually talked about anything, I’m sticking with my earlier decision: Jon Snow is handsome and honorable so I’ll marry him; Tyrion is Peter Dinklage so I’d fuck him, and Jaime is an incestuous power-mad child murderer, so I’d kill him.

Jennifer: Actually, one of the coolest things about Tywin is that somehow he is not a tyrant? Even though he says awesome stuff like this: “Burn the villages, burn the farms. Let them know what it means to choose the wrong side.” Umm, I’ve made my decision. That said, I guess, in a nightmare world where Tywin is not an option, marry Tyrion, fuck Jamie, kill Rob/Jon/that character whose storyline I stopped watching because I am team Lannisters.

Ashley: You are team evil. You are always team evil. Don’t kid yourself.

Jennifer: The Lannisters are really well developed and they are fighting against illiteracy!

Ashley: So were the Nazis, in a manner of speaking.

No they weren't.

Jennifer: NO THEY WEREN’T.

Ashley: Okay, not really.

Sorry! This poll is now closed.

Sorry! This poll is now closed.

Sorry! This poll is now closed.

What We're Reading:
Share This Post:
  • endn

    okay I am not pro lannister but I just voted on Jennifer’s lines, because Jon Snow is boring, tyrion is gorgeous and hilarious and smart and hates his terrifying father and sister and hearts Shae and would make an amazing partner as long as Tywin didn’t get involved and send in mroe soldiers to attack tyrion’s new wife, and Jaime is a little scary too but super hot and sexy and dirty, not a good person but definitely worth it to show him the joys of non-incestuous sex. yes!

  • Aj

    This FMK has totally made me realize that I hate boredom above all else, even plain out evil. Because of this, Fuck Jaime (despite his avid child-killing and the fact that he’d be pretending I was his sister the entire time, I think he’d be a good time for a night…), Marry Tyrion (how could you not? I’m so jealous of Shay.), and Kill Jon Snow (I pray they kill his boring ass off every episode).

    I’m well aware of how fucked up my mind works….but I’m okay with it.

  • Maria

    Jennifer, you’re not watching Jon’s storyline? HE’S FIGHTING FUCKING ZOMBIES!!! Ok, he’s fairly boring an predictable, but so are all the characters on The Walking Dead an it’s still a great show because they have a ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE going on.

    I’d obviously marry Tyrion because we’d have so much fun drinking and playing games with hot wax all night while making witty remarks about less awesome people.

    Kill Jaime because he’s such a pretty boy and I hate stupid, arrogant family (sorry Jennifer, you’re wonderful).

    Fuck Jon, because maybe then he’d relax a bit.

  • KeLynn

    Holy crap. I have never seen this show, but judging by the guy in the header on the right, I need to start watching NOW.

    • Ashley Cardiff

      JON SNOW. He is very handsome (in a concerned way).

  • len132

    I actually love Jon, but I’m afraid that I just couldn’t deal with the whining for years of marriage. So fuck him, because he is rather hot. Kill Jaime because he is a child killer, and marry Tyrion because he is good at sex and we could have an open marriage. Also, he is hilarious.

  • Melinda

    I love how somehow Tyrion is winning both Fuck and Marry (as of this comment).

    Also, does nobody else find Jaime to be a bit of a whiner as well? He’s so relentlessly “I don’t give a fuck” and then every time someone calls him the kingslayer he mopes about vows and loyalty and blah blah blah. He obviously does care that people think he’s a baddy but then he tries to murder children. I’d kill him just to make him shut up. At least Jon’s quiet.

    • Ashley Cardiff

      This is a good point.

  • Elizabeth

    No. Fuck Tyrion, Kill Jon Snow, Marry Rob Stark. Because Rob Stark is the damned best.

    If I could convince him to move out of Alaska, I’d marry Rob Stark tomorrow.

  • Maggie

    There are so many sexy men on Game of Thrones, you almost have to divide them by family! You could do the Starks: Robb, Ned (cause really, Sean Bean. How are ya.) and Jon Snow; the Lannisters: Tywin, Tyrion, and Jaime; and then a supporting characters one with anyone except Theon Greyjoy. You should all hate Theon Greyjoy.

    • Ashley Cardiff

      He’s a dick.

  • Ethan

    Marry Tyrion because he seems like the best person, the one I’d want in my life forever. He’s also – as discussed – unreasonably gorgeous, and I want to marry someone whose company I enjoy and Tyrion’s razor sark and parfait bon mots just make me absurdly happy. We would mock the world together for decades, and it would be beautiful. Jamie is… Jamie. Kill. Jon is pretty, but oh-so-sincere and boring, I’d fuck him but can you imagine how tiresome all that angsty noble sacrifice would get after a while? Marry Tyrion, Fuck Jon, Kill Jamie.