• Fri, Jun 1 2012

Can We Discuss Our Respective Plans For The Zombie Apocalypse?

Look, I think this is something we should be thinking about. BECAUSE IT IS THE ENDTIMES.

Here are some things I know from watching zombie movies and reading every Max Brooks book ever.

1) You should break down the stairs in your home when zombies start attacking, because zombies can’t climb.

2) You should get a bike. Zombies generally move slowly, so you just need to make sure you’re not trapped by a hoard of them. A bike is more easy to maneuver in tight areas than a car, and you won’t need to stop for gas.

3) Get a sledgehammer to smash zombie skulls. They’re silent, effective and you’ll never run out of bullets.

4) Stay in an unpopulated area! Less people = less zombies.

Here are some things I do not have: a residence in a less populated area, a sledgehammer, a bike, an ability to break down stairs.

So, I’m dead. How will you outlive the carnage? (Really, do you come up with plans? I come up with plans. What’s your plan? Fuck, do you have a bicycle?).

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  • Maggie

    My boyfriend is in the military, and we happen to live close to the biggest military base in North America (it’s in Canada, suck it America! …jokes) so he has a detailed plan for the zombie apocalypse that involves running to the nearest grocery store to stock up on water and canned food, then to base to get as much ammo as we can and seek temporary refuge, then as soon as we can we’ll head to my family’s summer cottage in the middle of nowhere that’s right on the ocean so we only have one front to defend, there to live out the apocalypse/the rest of our lives.
    Things to consider: stock up on anything that can be used as a weapon, preferably one that can destroy their brain; and become a vegetarian able to live off the land, because it’s most likely that the majority of animals & livestock will become infected too.
    As you can tell, we’re huge dorks and talk about this plan all the time. But we will survive!

  • Maria

    Every couple should have Zombie apocalypse plans! Ours are very similar, except we don’t have army supplies (but we found out online how to build a gauss rifle like in Fallout). Then we’d raid the stores next to our house, theoretically. Last week there was a national holiday in Germany, so the shops were closed for two full days and the night before it was MADNESS. We barely survived, and I think it would be even worse in case of a Zombie apocalypse. So we need another plan.

    Oh, and we live on the top floor of our building, so that’s a huge advantage. Jennifer, you can also just block the stairs!

    • Jennifer Wright

      How would I block the stairs? I mean, I’m on the tenth floor of a building, so we have some time. MAYBE. I guess I could try to haul out some heavy things onto the stairs, like an armoire? I’m not that strong, though. I’m not the Hulk. I would need people to help. I guess I could ask my neighbors. I would finally meet my neighbors! Okay, but a LOT of the people who live on my floor are old and feeble and wouldn’t be good at carrying heavy things.

      Also, I’m worried about making new friends if I’m going to have to eat them.

  • MM

    I used to take classes on Renaissance style swordfighting (yeah, I was a nerd). So I’m going to buy a rapier. You have to decapitate those suckers, right? A sharp sword is what you need.

  • Arnie

    http://thedoghousediaries.com/4287 <– This is my survival plan.

    I just need to figure out where the hell to get a giant hamster ball…

  • kjon

    Love Max Brooks. As much as I love the drama of a sledgehammer, I think I’ll go for the machete. Plus it’s shiny. :)

  • Magda

    Mine’s quite simple actually. I plan to barricade myself inside a Costco. Preferably one that sells weapons. =)

    I would never run out of food, and those things are made of cement.

    • Lesberati

      That’s a plan…eventually the food mwill rot though and the frozen stuff will get freezer burn.

  • Nixifer

    I have several plans, because who knows how the inevitable zombie apocalypse will begin?
    1) If it’s a “Oh crap! They’re in my cul de sac right now!”-situation, grab my kitties and as much canned food and water (the hurricane suplies), and a few well chosen tools (sledgehammer, hoe, screwdrivers, pick axe [I already have these in the garage]) and get in the attic and pull up the ladder.
    2) If it’s starting internationally, obviously I would stock up (ideally): on canned food, fuel for my camp stove, guns, ammo, more ammo, and gas and things that would help me siphon gas. Less ideally, dog food, cat food, dry rice and beans. I bet people won’t be making a mad dash for some nutritious, no-cook pet food.
    If the looting has begun, the first place to hit is the pharmacy. Good for trading and treating injuries.
    Then I would try my damnedest to head for somewhere cold and sparsely populated. I’m thinking Canadian wildness. Colorado mountains are a second and much more realistic choice, however.
    According to Brooks, zombies freeze.
    3) If it’s years in the future, then I’ll be fine since I intend on owning an off-the-grid, self sufficient farm with a 12 foot high cinderblock fence, surrounded on the outside by a deep ditch filled with pitch, and on the inside by a moat of liquid lye (hey, a girl can dream!)

    • Jennifer Wright

      I envy you 3. Or I will. Like 10 years from now. I want to live in one of those treehouse communities Brooks describes. Someone should start this.

  • Will

    Doesn’t it fuck up the fantasy when a guy ate another guys face in Miami?
    I used to love the zombie apocalypse stuff and i stacked 7.62x39mm rounds deep, then shit got real when i heard of naked man on man face eating. It’s not as fun now.
    On a less serious note, get the hell out of NYC if you want to live unzombuhfied. Then get the biggest gun you can find and meet me in some secret location where we can be miserable and dirty. But alive!

    • Lesberati

      No what it does is show that we need to be prepared for some crazy shit that’s about to go down.

  • JJ

    Find an airplane, find out how to fly said airplane, and make straight for a deserted island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean! You know, like one of the ones that billionaires buy? There cannot be anyone there, right? So then you get to live your life in hammocks, eating coconuts and pineapples all day. DONE.