• Tue, Jun 5 2012

How Do You Get A Nickname? Let’s Figure This Out.

howto get a nickname

Look, I am not asking how you lie about your own name. I know how you get an alias. You are commenters. You know, too. It’s called lying, and it’s fucking fun. You should try this. The next time you want to sneak into a party, try giving a fake name. You will say it with bizarre conviction. I use “Ellen Olenska”.

You may borrow it. If you must.

If you do not crash many parties, you should find some to crash. But until then, you can use it for restaurant reservations and when you check into hotels. So. Those two things.

But do not be fooled, Countess Olenska. Do not be fooled. This is not a nickname. This is just a really weird thing you do.

This is acceptable! But a nickname is something other people give you. And it is really hard to figure out how to get one. Here. Here is a video of someone else who relates to this struggle. You can fast forward to 1:39, but I really think it will be good for your soul to watch the entire thing.

In case you hate watching things, Marcel “Ace” The Shell With Shoes On says:

“Guess what I want, but I’m not going to beg for it. A nickname. Because you can’t make it for yourself like you can make yourself a new hairstyle, but you can’t say “now I go by the name of ‘The General’.”

“What if you had a nickname?”

“Ace.”

So, a shell. With shoes on. He understands. From now on, I will only refer to Marcel as Ace. I think that’s appropriate, even if he’s not real, and it will be unbelievably confusing for everyone.

But we can’t all be like Marcel and just have Jenny Slate voice our desires in the most adorable voice. So, okay, I have a few strategies on how I think we could do this. Here’s what I’ve got so far:

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  • LaLa

    Or you could just have older siblings. Lazy older siblings. That’s how I got mine. They didn’t feel like saying my whole name. Because (surprise!) LaLa is not actually what’s written on my birth certificate.

    • Lala

      Oh look, there’s two of us! What’s your real first name? I’m Olivia (:

  • kjon

    I got my nickname (same as this username) in 7th grade from this kid who called himself “j-diddy”.

    My first name starts with a ‘K’ and is the same as a certain American Girl doll but no one seems to be able to pronounce it right. My last name is Nordic but very common. It’s a combo of the two.

  • JK

    All I can think of when I read this article is the Seinfeld episode where George wants to be called “T-Bone”.

  • Magda

    I have two nick-names. One is Buddha. I got this one in high school from my friends who would always come to me for advice and dubbed me the “wise one”.

    Second one is Lilo.

    I got this as a result of giving someone else a nickname (actually two people). I dubbed them Guano(His last name was Guanie and like a douche he prefered to go by his last name so I called him bat poop) and the other was Sherlock(he was the only sober one at the themed party and solved the mystery of where my friends Afro-wig was at… It was on top of the fridge). They collaborated and decided that they would call me Lilo, because apparently I look like Lilo from Disney’s Lilo and Stitch. The names stuck… so much so that after a year+ aquaintance, I have to work (really hard) to remember the names they were born with.

    I usually give people nicknames because I’m horrible with names… And faces. But by some strange twist of fate I remember nicknames… Even the ones I come up with when drunk. I must admit that some are uncreative, like “Shorts-girl” or “fanny-pack girl” or “burger boy”.

  • Sarah!

    True story, in high school I tried to get people to call me Tuesday. I met a woman named Tuesday Faust and I was SO PISSED IT WAS NOT MY NAME.

    Anyway, it’s hard to introduce yourself as a thing that’s not your name. It feels really weird.

  • Fabel

    “In case you hate watching things…” I love that you always (always, right?) do this, because I do hate watching things.

    I think you can make up your own nickname if you say “But everybody calls me” in front of it. Just don’t take anybody’s questions after!

  • porkchop

    I have had a lot of nicknames (Oggy, Daisy, Peep Trees…) but I got Porkchop because I saw someone called that on Ally McBeal, and I said, “I wish someone would call ME Porkchop!” It stuck. Because Porkchop is my true name. My real name sounds weird now and I only use it at work.

  • Lindsey

    Step one: join a group or club that gives you a nickname

    Step two: pray it doesn’t suck

    Step three: Everyone calls you Nymph now. Be perfectly fine with it.

  • anna

    i remember reading a book it kindergarten where the Dragon Queen is named Tiamat. (looks like it’s spelled)
    I told everyone my name was Tiamat for at least a year.