Look, I am not asking how you lie about your own name. I know how you get an alias. You are commenters. You know, too. It’s called lying, and it’s fucking fun. You should try this. The next time you want to sneak into a party, try giving a fake name. You will say it with bizarre conviction. I use “Ellen Olenska”.
You may borrow it. If you must.
If you do not crash many parties, you should find some to crash. But until then, you can use it for restaurant reservations and when you check into hotels. So. Those two things.
But do not be fooled, Countess Olenska. Do not be fooled. This is not a nickname. This is just a really weird thing you do.
This is acceptable! But a nickname is something other people give you. And it is really hard to figure out how to get one. Here. Here is a video of someone else who relates to this struggle. You can fast forward to 1:39, but I really think it will be good for your soul to watch the entire thing.
In case you hate watching things, Marcel “Ace” The Shell With Shoes On says:
“Guess what I want, but I’m not going to beg for it. A nickname. Because you can’t make it for yourself like you can make yourself a new hairstyle, but you can’t say “now I go by the name of ‘The General’.”
“What if you had a nickname?”
So, a shell. With shoes on. He understands. From now on, I will only refer to Marcel as Ace. I think that’s appropriate, even if he’s not real, and it will be unbelievably confusing for everyone.
But we can’t all be like Marcel and just have Jenny Slate voice our desires in the most adorable voice. So, okay, I have a few strategies on how I think we could do this. Here’s what I’ve got so far: