• Tue, Jun 5 2012

It Could Have Been Me: Gay Porn Star Cannibal Apprehended In My Neighborhood

So I’ve only been in Berlin for one day, and I’ve already had a terrifying brush with death! I knew there was a reason I never leave Brooklyn.

Allow me to explain. Yesterday, Luka Rocco Magnotta, the prime suspect in the horrific slaying of Montreal student Jun Lin, was arrested by the authorities at an Internet cafe in Berlin’s Neukoelln district, where he was reportedly “reading stories about himself” like some sort of knife-wielding Kardashian, and maybe playing some online war games, too. You know, murderer stuff. Authorities had been feverishly hunting for him since he was identified as the most likely perpretrator of Lin’s brutal murder this past May, in which parts of Lin’s body were mailed to members of Canadian parliament. (He sent body parts to both liberals and conservatives, which I think was very even-handed of him.) Yet other parts of Lin have yet to be found, leading some to speculate he ate them while high on bath salts.

Magnotta was apprehended at around 2pm Berlin time at a cafe on Karl Marx Strasse, which is, let’s see…oh, about five blocks from my apartment.

And what was I doing at that time yesterday? SCOUTING AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD FOR AN INTERNET CAFE. Had I gone left instead of straight, I could have walked smack into him, checked my email next to him, and maybe even joined him in a spirited game of Words with Friends.

What would I have done in that situation? Well, unlike the guy who spotted him, I haven’t read any newspapers or blogs for the past two weeks, so I probably would have asked him where he got that cute Mickey Mouse shirt or how he gets his hair so James Dean-like. Maybe, if we’d hit it off, I would also have asked him where to go clubbing and/or buy ecstasy, because I’m new in town and need to make friends, and I know not all gay guys are into that stuff but look at his pictures.

Had he responded positively to my friend-vances, I would almost definitely have invited him up for a drink, because I just bought a bunch of cheap German beer and am a terrible judge of character. And then he would have murdered me and sent my body parts to Barack Obama and Mitt Romney, probably. I guess what I’m saying is I’m really glad they caught the guy for the benefit of the victim’s family and all, but also because I’m fairly certain I would have been next.

I can’t wait to see what other exciting/horrifying things happen in my neighborhood while I’m here. This is going to be the best summer ever.

(Via Gawker)

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  • Maria

    Let’s see, there will be the big event of me coming to Berlin this fall. Yay! How awesome is it there, Jamie? How do you like the beer? Will there be more Berlin reports from you?

    • Jamie Peck

      It’s pretty awesome so far, the beer rules, and yes!

  • MM

    I used to live in Montreal! I found this case pretty disturbing. :/