Pope To Nuns: Stop Touching Yoursevles!

Pope Benedict

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Let’s all say a little prayer that my devoutly Catholic mother-in-law doesn’t read The Gloss. I don’t think that she would be thrilled with that headline. And imagine what an awkward dinner conversation that would be.

But I’m not lying. The Pope released a statement to clarify, just for those of you who might have been confused, that you should never touch, look or think of your private parts unless you’re trying to get pregnant. (Haha, I’ve been trying to get pregnant for two years. I’ve had a completely free pass all this time.)

The reason that the Vatican decided to speak out about this pressing issue is a little book called Just Love, A Framework For Christian Sexual Ethics. The smut was actually published in 2006 by Sister Margaret Farley, and it includes such scandalous ideas as supporting female masturbation and consensual sex between same-sex couples. Obviously, the Church believes that homosexual relations aren’t something that should be mutually agreed upon.

I guess the reason that this little work of realism about sex has so angered Pope Angry Eyes is that it’s just another example of the sin-filled lives these American nuns lead. You know, when they’re teaching and caring for the sick. Apparently, it wasn’t just Sister Margaret who was playing her own banjo either. Her book was making the rounds in religious circle jerks.

Thank goodness He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named stepped in to remind everyone where their true allegiance should be. Ya know, with the people who lie to you about their own sins so that you have a better chance of getting to Heaven. Really, the Church has your best interests at heart.

So stop flogging the bishop and get your immoral fingers to Confession.

(Photo: FreeThinker)

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    • Eileen

      You know, I don’t have a problem with the Pope telling nuns that they’re not supposed to masturbate or have sex. It’s part of the deal of being a nun: poverty, chastity, and obedience. And today nuns don’t have the excuses that they used to have (e.g. that being a nun is the only way for a woman to get an education, or the best way for her to have a position of authority, or the most solid path for a woman who does not want to – or in places where the convent dowry was cheaper than the marriage dowry, can’t afford to – get married). Everyone who chooses to become Catholic clergy do so with the full knowledge that they are renouncing the possibility of owning property, of having their own families, of sex. And there are other options, for men and women. I don’t agree with all of the Church’s teachings on sex, but it’s hardly earth-shattering that priests, nuns, and monks are supposed to be celibate.

    • Vladimir

      Nowhere do you find the exact words of the Pope: “that you should never touch, look or think of your private parts unless you’re trying to get pregnant.” Not even in the link provided right near the supposed words.

      Biased article. Bad journalism.