• Thu, Jun 7 2012

What’s The Most Ridiculous Excuse You’ve Ever Been Given By Someone Not Wanting To Have Sex With You?

I have read about a whole slew of excuses as to why someone might turn down the opportunity to have sex. One that always comes to mind is “I have a headache.” Personally, I’ve yet to hear that or even use it, because when I have a headache I want sex. Sex takes the focus away from the throbbing pain in my skull and places my attention on other parts of my body. Granted, a debilitating migraine that causes nausea and an inability to be in anyplace with light, is a different story. But nine times out of 10, I’ll take the sex despite my headache.

I have never made an excuse for not wanting to have sex. Mostly because I always want to have it and if I don’t, I come right out and say “no thank. I will pass.” I then proceed to roll over and wonder if that was rude. However, in less than a week’s time I have received two excuses from Tattoo Guy as to why he didn’t want to have sex, and I do not approve.

On Saturday night after we went to dinner, his reason for not coming home with me was “I don’t want to fuck you on a full stomach — I’m totally stuffed and just want to go to sleep.” Um, OK, I thought; then I took a brief poll of my friends to see if they had ever heard of such a thing. Overall their responses ranged from “it happens,” to “no one wants to fuck after eating a pound of risotto,” and “you’re over-analyzing this so shut-up, because you’re annoying me.” I love my friends.

Then last night another attempt to lure Tattoo Guy into my clutches, or more specifically, my lady parts, was unsuccessful. The excuse this time? “I’m not having sex with you until you try oysters and see what it does to your sex drive.” Well, Tattoo Guy, I don’t like oysters, I will never eat oysters so quit trying to make excuses for not giving up the goods. This time it was Tattoo Guy who told me I was over-analyzing things, and that I was a brat. He was right, of course. He also followed that up with how in not having sex everyday, it increases the “longing” factor. Again: um, OK.

I get that he’s a bit older than my usual flings, but seriously? Is this what happens when people get into their late-30′s? No more sexy times all the time? You tell me the most ridiculous excuses you’ve been given so we can try to figure out this mess together.

On a side note, I’ll be eating oysters tonight against my will.

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  • Fabel

    I hate the “I feel gross/too full” thing. I’ve never heard that excuse before until my most recent boyfriend, & was the opposite of understanding the first time it happened.

    • Amanda Chatel

      Thank you! I’m glad to know at least one other fella in the world has used that excuse. I had never heard it before either.

    • bluebevyj

      Just tell them not to eat so much next time. Not sure how that would go over though.

  • bluebevyj

    I’ve had a few lame-o ones in my day…notably, “I’m too tired and I won’t be able to get off”… ummmm EFF YOU! You can still get ME off! Douche. Needless to say, I stopped seeing him. I mean COME ON…I’ve had a guy who was recovering from ear surgery not turn me down and this guy is too sleepy? WOW. Okay. Bitter rant is over. I can’t honestly think of another incident. Good luck with the oysters! When in doubt, wash them down with red wine.

  • Jo

    I’ve never heard anyone else use the “too full” excuse before, but I myself have DEFINITELY felt too full for sex (thought at those times, no sex was being offered, so it didn’t matter anyway.) But yeah, so full that any unnecessary sloshing would have made me feel pretty ill, probably.

  • Maggie

    I have to admit, I’ve used the “I’m too full” excuse before. My boyfriend is a really good cook, and one night he made some kind of pasta concoction with goat cheese… needless to say, I stuffed my face, and when he wanted to get some after, I seriously couldn’t do it. My stomach hurt so I couldn’t suck in my jiggly bits, and I just felt so not sexy, and we all know that if you’re not into it, it’s not going to be good. There was one time after that when he convinced me to have sex while still too full (I swear I don’t stuff my face at every meal! lol) and it was no fun. The whole time I was holding in farts. Enough said.

  • Nancy

    I’ve used the too full/bad stomach tons of times, never lying (well maybe occasionally im just too lazy but don’t want to say that). Seriously, sometimes when I’ve had sex when I was really full, it actually hurts my stomach druing every thrust! Does that happen to anyone else? It doesn’t happen so much when he’s on top though, because it doesn’t go as deep then… lol tmi? I really want to know if that happens to other people…

  • caroline

    The best (most awful) lines I got were:

    1) Both already naked in bed: “I really want to fuck you but I don’t.” ???

    2) In the MIDDLE of sex: “I just don’t want to fuck anymore!” (said during a very loud exhale.) Obvs we stopped right away, but whoa.

    Both from the same dude, I might add. Former.

  • Sabrina

    Yeah, the I’m too full excuse is definitely legit, and I wouldn’t call it an excuse, it’s a reason. An excuse is something people make up to get out of doing something they don’t want to do. A reason is something you give because that’s the reason. Being too full is a very legit reason. I’ve been there and my boyfriend’s been there as well. Also, maybe he is withholding about the oysters thing as a way to get you to try new things! This could be a fun game for both of you to play!

  • MR

    Eat, do something else, then go home. We got a really good flow going.

  • holleeta

    Okay, sorry for writing so much…

    One. I abhor the headache excuse and I hate that women are known for using it. I’ve never used it. I have, however, had debilitating migraines where any movement felt like my brain was crashing into my skull and the pain was so intense that I was seriously contemplating suicide. I’ve actually found that the best homeopathic relief for a migraine is masturbation. For hours. With your favorite vibrator. So I’m pretty sure if a dude volunteered to go down on me, I wouldn’t say no.

    Two. I love sex and I’ve only ever used two excuses: my stomach hurts (it’s either too full or gassy, whatever) & I’m in need of a shower/shave (this doesn’t apply to serious relationships). I have occasionally dated dudes who aren’t as adventurous as I am and their excuse is always “I don’t want to get caught having sex here, let’s go have it in my bed.” Boring.

    Three. This dude is fucking weird. I don’t understand why he cares about what you enjoy eating and I don’t understand his logic regarding the oysters. Aren’t they supposed to increase your sex drive? You obviously don’t need assistance in that area, whereas he does and should be eating all of the oysters. I’m a picky eater and have refused seafood my entire life until this past year. I’ve had oysters and they didn’t do shit for my libido. I hate when people try to push food on others. Fuck his ultimatums. Ultimatums are bratty and controlling. I think you should find another dude on the side to fuck – someone young, like early 20s. Those boys never say no.

  • Jess

    I don’t love the “eat oysters first” excuse, nor the accusation of brattiness. It seems unnecessarily controlling and kind of bitchy. I mean, I don’t know how open-minded you are generally, maybe the dude was tired of you refusing to try any of the other three dozen things that he suggested, but if it was just this one thing? Kind of douchey and doesn’t really seem like a valid reason to opt out of sex, if you were already bothered by his previous lack of interest.

    “Too full” is a valid reason. I’ve also had “too tired” and “feeling depressed” as completely acceptable reasons to opt out. But I will say that–and this does depend on how important sex is to you–I have learned over the years that generally, we’re best matched up with people who are similar to us in the types and frequency with which we and they use opt-out excuses.

    For example, I like to have sex when I’ve just stopped fighting with someone or I’m terribly upset about something else in my life–I find it a good emotional release. So when I am dating a guy who doesn’t like makeup sex or sexing when he’s sad, then I find that I’m less sympathetic to his problems and he is less compassionate about my needs. It ends up creating frustration and unhappiness everywhere. So, you know. Moral of the story: If “too full” and “try some random food because I said so” feel like good excuses to you, then it’s all good. If they breed insecurity and frustration, not so much.