• Fri, Jun 8 2012

What Does A Gal Need To Do To Get ‘Unfriended’ On Facebook?

I have been back on Facebook for almost two weeks now. I had taken a hiatus back in September for three reasons: 1. I didn’t want people I barely remember saying “happy birthday” to me; 2. I wanted to prove I could live a Facebook-less life; and 3. Swede had blocked me, so it’s not like I could get any proper stalking done anyway.

When I reactivated my account, I took the necessary steps of weeding out any mutual friends I had with the aforementioned person, as well as doing a quick sweep of people from my past about, for lack of better wording, whom I couldn’t really give a fuck. As one who just loves to cause trouble and stir the pot a bit, I have already posted a few things that I thought might force the “riffraff’ to unfriend me. But instead I get people “liking” my status when I ask people to “unfriend” me. What a twisted, fucked up world in which we live!

Last year I wrote a post for The Gloss about how Facebook was helping me get rid of people from my past after an incident where my high school boyfriend blocked me (and took two –gasp! — fellow schoolmates with him.) He blocked me because I wrote about how the first time I had sex it sucked. It sucking had NOTHING to do with him, but just because first times suck. Men do not like to hear that they were part of a sucky sexual experience. But other than that, people keep hanging on and not unfriending me! I’d unfriend them, but the few times I have, I always end up getting an email from the person asking me why. I then have to lie and say it was an accident, when we all know there are no accidents in life. Even when I deactivated my account, I had people asking me why I had blocked them, as if the whole world revolves around them, to which I’d angrily have to explain that “No, it’s not about you; it’s about me, for the last fucking time.”

I realize, for many, being friends on Facebook is some sort of proof that people actually do like you, but for me I couldn’t care less. If you’re an ex-boyfriend I might care for stalking reasons, but as for my friends go, I actually interact with them in real life so Facebook is pointless in that regard. Since the few people I have as “friends” on there, I’ve either kept because I genuinely love them or because I’m keeping up appearances, I have decided to make it my mission to get that “extra weight” to unfriend me. Every time I mention anal sex or abortion, I lose a bunch of followers on Twitter, so maybe it’s time to take that technique to Facebook.

So I don’t have to be the bad guy in the situation, here are seven ways I plan to get myself unfriended.

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  • L

    i recently went through an fb friend purge because it got to a point where if i saw one person that i didnt give a shit about get engaged, i’d punch a baby.

  • kjon

    Ok here’s the plan:
    1. First, we will post some very risque and badly photoshopped pictures of you duck facing in a bathroom mirror in workout clothes.
    2. Then we will come up with some statuses faux complaining about stupid shit. Examples: “I hate getting hit on during girls’ night”, “Why does everyone stare at me?” and “omg, every time I go on my jog I get cat-called at least 20 times! How annoyyying!”
    3. Then you’re going to mood swing hard. Post song lyrics that are depressing.
    4. More hot duck face pics.
    5. Post a picture of a bunch of shopping bags (empty or whatever)
    6. Duck face in a dressing room
    7. Duck face on the beach
    8. Talk about how certain popular foods (like bacon or cookies) are just so gross and you would never eat them.
    9. Troll everyone’s statuses with condescending advice.
    10. Repeat steps 1-9 until you have 0 friends!

    • kjon

      I have more:
      Post a status where you seem to be talking to someone specific in a negative way. “I trusted you and you betrayed me!” and then when some innocent inevitably asks you about it say that you “value your privacy”.
      Take stealth pics of random people doing things you don’t approve of and make judgey/bitchy captions. “This lady should not be eating that” “Look at what she’s wearing” and “bitch needs a mani/pedi stat”
      If you have friends with kids talk about how children shouldn’t be allowed on airplanes or in fancy restaurants. Complain about public breastfeeding.
      Or you could unfriend those people and pray they don’t message you asking about it.
      Delete your facebook. Mine’s been deactivated for over a year.

    • Amanda Chatel

      YOU ARE BRILLIANT.

  • Sam

    You should make a group for only the people you want to unfriend and that way, none of your work contacts or other friends will see your I-want-to-be-unfriended posts :D Which means you can obnoxiously spam the undesireables’ newsfeeds.

  • Jessie

    You are amazing. Thanks for the random giggles throughout the day. Keeping being awesome.

  • Sarah

    Why on earth would you post a status asking people to unfriend you? That’s just asking for attention. If you don’t want to be Facebook friends with someone just fucking unfriend them yourself, there’s no alarm that goes off when you do it, it will probably take them a while to realize it.

  • Lastango

    It’s becoming clearer and clearer that one of my better decisions was to not sign on to any social networking sites. (Not that I ever doubted that, but fresh confirmation is always welcome.)

    You people are driving yourselves and each other crazy.

    Ps. I love the advice “kjon” gives… it almost makes my creative side want to sign up just so I can go on a gleeful performance-art spree of bogus provocations.

  • holleeta

    I think the reason most people are hanging on and unwilling to let go is because most people are hoarders. They want as many friends as possible. They want to feel like they are popular and important.They may have even muted you from their newsfeed, but at least you are +1 on their friends list!

    I’ve been off of facebook for two years and I don’t regret it one bit. I’ve gone back on occasionally and deactivate immediately when I realize how much I hate it. Those constant game requests, Washington Post telling me what people are reading, seeing every shitty radio song that people have listened to on Spotify – it’s like information overload when I don’t even give a shit.

    I thought about unfriending a bunch of people but that seemed like so much work. And like you said, I speak to those I’m closest with in real life. Plus, Facebook started offering too many options. It got too complicated for me. Not that I couldn’t understand but just didn’t want to have to deal with it. That’s why I like twitter. You’re either public or you’re private. You’re either following someone, or they’re following you, or you’re both following each other. Simple and beautiful.

    I’m 29. Most of the people I went to high school with have children. Their entire facebook existence is about their children. They post photos daily and talk about how smart their kid is. Everyone’s child on fb is brilliant, ever notice that? And blah, blah, blah, blah blah about their children. So if I were on fb, that is the number one way to get me to unfriend you.