Sometimes I think my life would be entirely different if I was the kind of woman who made pies routinely.
I mean, to be fair, I make pies, but I don’t make pie crusts, and I think that’s the real difference.
This is what ingredients for a sour cream apple walnut pie, made with pecans (because I don’t have any walnuts), looks like:
Those are apples.
Also some pens.
Also an apple peeler. I can barely tell you how great apple peelers are, but we’ll get to that.
First of all, if you are a woman who lives in an urban area, don’t you think that your life would be different if you made pies? Does this happen to everyone?
Basically, I think if I made pies on a really, really routine basis – like a daily basis – I would turn into Keri Russell in Waitress. But not in the part where her husband beats her. In the part where she has had an affair with a handsome doctor and has named her daughter Lulu and is winning pie baking contests. When she gets to that place she just seems like she glows.
And I have a really hard time sleeping, so glowing is difficult. I’m a little pasty and there’s a lot of tinted moisturizer involved.
I think to really pull this off, this glowing, pie baking, happy person thing, you have to – emotionally – be able to live in the country. But I think about living in the country, and I think about what Steve Rubell, the owner of Studio 54 said immediately after he got out of prison for money laundering. A reporter said “Steve, what was it like being in jail?” And Steve apparently paused for a moment and said “During the days, it’s not so bad. You eat. You sleep. You exercise. But Jesus. What the hell do you do at night?”
That is how I feel about moving to the country.
I don’t think I can ever be that person. But I like to bake pies and pretend that I could be the glowing, happy Lulu-child-naming person who lives somewhere where I walk through cornfields on the way to work.
So I listen to country music while I make pies.
Country music is incredibly appropriate if you’re in that kind of mood, because country music is the kind of music that is the most fundamentally duplicitous. It’s designed to celebrate simple values in life, and sung by people who have eschewed simple values for great fame.
This is the kind of song that I really like listening to, and one that will bring you to tears (the cancer!), but is also sung by someone who decided to go out and become famous: