F*ck, Marry, Kill: Jabba The Hutt. ET. Spock


So, Prometheus just came out. Maybe you’re a diehard fan of the Alien franchise and you saw it. Maybe you’re a diehard fan of the Alien franchise and you refused. Maybe you were born well after Alien came out, had no idea Prometheus was affiliated and the only other Ridley Scott movie you’ve seen is the one where Russel Crowe is Braveheart in Rome. It doesn’t matter, either way. Editors Jennifer Wright and Ashley Cardiff are thinking about aliens. Fucking them, marrying them, and killing them, specifically.

Ashley: Why can’t we do Superman? Superman is an alien.

Jennifer: No, he wasn’t.

Ashley: Yes. He was.

Jennifer: No, no, I mean, technically he was, but he was raised here. And was adopted. So he’s more like a dual citizen. It would be like if you knew someone who was adopted from China as a baby and raised entirely in America and you kept bombarding them with questions about their friendship with Chairman Mao.

Ashley: It’s not like that at all! That’s just you being racist. But your point about Superman is very astute and I agree.

Jennifer: You don’t even recognize that Superman is an American, so I think you’re the racist.

HE TOOK OUR JOBS

Ashley: Fine. ET also has dual citizenship: of his home that he phones frequently and also our hearts.

Jennifer: I love ET. But I also love Jabba! And Spock! This is really hard because all of these gentlemen are such strong choices.

Ashley: You’d have to marry ET, right? You could plant a vegetable garden together! In the evening, you could lie with your head in his weird skin sack area and he would feed you Reese’s Pieces with his two long fingers. And then you could gently nibble them and he’d say softly, “Owwww-ch…”

Jennifer: OHHHHHHHHH! He’d be like having a hairless pet cat who talked and was sent from heaven to teach us how to love! The idea of sexing ET is, however, very troubling to me.

"Baby, I'll make your cervix twinkle."

Ashley: He’d actually be a lot like having a hairless pet cat.

Jennifer: Who talked.

Ashley: So… better.

Jennifer: A little bit.

Ashley: As long as your name doesn’t have too many consonants, you’d be fine.

Jennifer: But you can’t fuck a cat.

Ashley: You can’t fuck a Hutt, either. They’re only interested in unspeakable things.

Jennifer: Well, actually, I think the implication was the there were many sex slaves there to tend to his massive, fleshy body. Maybe with back massages and stuff?

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    • L.A.

      CLEARLY you fuck Spock. I mean, come on. Those eyes? But also, that exact scientific study of anatomy?

      and OF COURSE you kill Jabba, just…ew.

      which leaves a completely platonic marriage with ET. I’ll accept this.

    • porkchop

      I’m kind of tempted to marry Jabba because at least you don’t have to live with your choice too long. Someone would kidnap (or rescue!) one of his other bikini-clad ladies, and then he would execute you as a show of strength.

      Marrying Spock is fine as long as you get to go on the Enterprise. You could well die on the Enterprise, since it’s quite dangerous, but it’s better than living on Vulcan because Vulcan’s are incredibly judgy, especially the Vulcan high council, who are horrendous to be around and don’t have a single redeeming quality.

      E.T. seems like the obvious choice, but your problem is that everyone loves E. T.! No one will ever take your side against E.T. You can never hurt his feelings. If you do, everyone will hate you, especially Steven Spielberg, which would be a huge downer, and you would spend the rest of your life poolside, drinking morosely while everyone wonders why you look so haggard in public. What is your problem? Isn’t E.T. enough to make you happy?

      • Ashley Cardiff

        Your dark vision of a future with ET really made me reevaluate.