F*ck, Marry, Kill: Jabba The Hutt. ET. Spock

"Slave girl... I've misplaced my thyroid medication."

Ashley: Definitely not back massages. He pretty much just had a sex slave bus going from his palace to Ryloth. So, I guess, a shuttle. A sex slave shuttle.

Jennifer: No? Maybe. You don’t know. I’ve had scalp massages that were better than below average sex. I think probably I’d be willing to massage Jabba’s head. I mean, if you were going to be an overlord, what would you want to do? I’d want a group of people to have sex with me and/or cuddle me on command, to eat a whole lot, and to have a hole in the ground filled with monsters I could drop people I didn’t like into. I really can’t fault Jabba for the way he’s chosen to conduct his life as an evil overlord. I mean, if that was your job description, if your job description was “evil overlord”, I imagine you’d do exactly what Jabba does.

Ashley: God. Actually. You and Jabba would get along beautifully. His existence is pretty much your dream.

Jennifer: I do like eating and cuddling. I just don’t think he can have much sex. I really don’t. He’s sedentary.

This could be your wedding cake, though.

Ashley: Look, Jabba is a bad guy. Don’t get distracted by his palace, his entourage, his bottomless glasses of cold fresh water (with ice cubes!). He’s a disgusting space worm and a criminal.

Jennifer: Oh. Okay. I mean, the fuck portion is the problem with all of these, though, right? Spock seems like the best candidate for marriage. Although I think anyone who has been in a relationship with a person who is only coldly logical all the time can tell you it’s a nightmare. But you know, he’s the most human.

Ashley: No, no. You fuck Spock. You can’t marry Spock. If you marry Spock, the first two years are all coldly efficient orgasms but after that it’s all, “I fail to see the purpose of this dinner party” and suddenly he’s in the garage all the time, working on his model trains, internalizing resentment.



"A curious metaphor, doctor!"

Jennifer: I just feel like fucking ET would be like raping a cat. A cat that could cry.

Ashley: That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.

Jennifer: Right, okay. Here’s how I think it goes down. How it has to go down. Although this is not ideal.

Ashley: Go on.

Jennifer: Marry ET. He’ll look cute in a tux at the wedding and you can hold hands and eat Reese’s Pieces together and laugh at incredibly simplistic things, like… sunsets? Sure.

Ashley: Oh my god, he would look SO CUTE in a tux.

Jennifer: Fuck Jabba. It will be weird. But I think he’ll at least really enjoy/appreciate it? He’ll probably give you a gold bikini. That’s pretty cool. Kill Spock. He’s going to be terrible in bed and a nightmare husband. He will, actually, be Louis 16th. No Petit Trianon.

"It doesn't have to make sense to be... right, Jim."

Ashley: He’d be great in bed if you could convince him that procreation was not the “point” of sex, but rather, screaming orgasms. I can’t imagine it would be that difficult.

Jennifer: Oh! I didn’t think of that.

Ashley: I say: fuck Spock. If he’s famously handsome actor Zachary Quinto, great. If not, he’s still efficient and I admire that. Marry ET BECAUSE OH MY GOD IN A TUX? And your herb garden?

Jennifer: I guess kill Jabba then? That makes me a little sad. I always felt like he worked really hard to get where he was.

Ashley: Dude, you have to see past the glamour of spice smuggling and realize that if you don’t kill Jabba, he’ll kill you.

Jennifer: You could outrun him.

Ashley: That’s a really good point.

Sorry! This poll is now closed.

Sorry! This poll is now closed.

Sorry! This poll is now closed.

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    • L.A.

      CLEARLY you fuck Spock. I mean, come on. Those eyes? But also, that exact scientific study of anatomy?

      and OF COURSE you kill Jabba, just…ew.

      which leaves a completely platonic marriage with ET. I’ll accept this.

    • porkchop

      I’m kind of tempted to marry Jabba because at least you don’t have to live with your choice too long. Someone would kidnap (or rescue!) one of his other bikini-clad ladies, and then he would execute you as a show of strength.

      Marrying Spock is fine as long as you get to go on the Enterprise. You could well die on the Enterprise, since it’s quite dangerous, but it’s better than living on Vulcan because Vulcan’s are incredibly judgy, especially the Vulcan high council, who are horrendous to be around and don’t have a single redeeming quality.

      E.T. seems like the obvious choice, but your problem is that everyone loves E. T.! No one will ever take your side against E.T. You can never hurt his feelings. If you do, everyone will hate you, especially Steven Spielberg, which would be a huge downer, and you would spend the rest of your life poolside, drinking morosely while everyone wonders why you look so haggard in public. What is your problem? Isn’t E.T. enough to make you happy?

      • Ashley Cardiff

        Your dark vision of a future with ET really made me reevaluate.