• Fri, Jun 15 2012

What Are Your Thoughts On Surprise Sex?

I’m not talking about “sex by surprise,” that we all came to know of during the Julian Assange case and is actually rape, but sex that’s unexpected.

Scenario: You’re in bed next to your partner. You’re probably in the middle of some dream that you won’t remember the next day, when you realize you’re being touched. You wake up a bit, somewhat foggy on what’s going on when you realize you’re having sex! Or your partner has gone down on you and before you’re fully aware of it all, you’re having an orgasm! Surprise sex! Isn’t that a great way to wake up? An orgasm that requires zero effort is always a nice treat. Of course, if you fall asleep alone and this happens, we’re talking about something completely different. However, we’re not going to go there, because this post is about an act between two people that are in some sort of a relationship, even if it’s just fuck buddies.

But if you are being surprised by sex, even if it’s with someone whom you trust and care about, if you’ve been asleep you haven’t exactly consented to it. So is it still a treat or is it bordering on creepy?

As someone who loves it, and has been woken up by it on more than one occasion with men whom I’ve trusted and cared about, I think it’s pretty far from creepy. But I’m also quite sure that there might be some women out there who, if their fella, decided they wanted to do the deed while she’s dreaming about Adrien Brody, might be pissed off.

Where do you fall on the matter?

Sorry! This poll is now closed.

 

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  • CJ

    I think it depends. I’ve happily woken up to surprise sex, but my boyfriend and I talked about it at the beginning of our relationship (when we were discussing fantasies) and gave each other the green light. I think if I woke up to having sex with a boyfriend and we hadn’t talked about it, I would be creeped out.

    • caroline

      Exactly! If we had had a pre-talk and I said I was okay with it, fine. Without discussion, no way.

      Also – I think I would be fine with oral or touching to wake me up, but not someone having sex with me.

  • Danielle

    I do not like being woken up out of a dead sleep unless it’s an emergency. When you’re talking about it, it sounds fun and racy but when I’m actually being woken up I become enraged and automatically start yelling “What the fuck? Why are you waking me up! I have to get up in the morning! Leave me alone!” So no, I don’t like it at all.

  • Tris

    My boyfriend does this to me every time we sleep together. I don’t mind. I might get annoyed by it if we spent every single night together, but then again I might not! His work keeps him out of town for most of the summer, so when he is in town…we don’t get a lot of sleep. But that’s okay, some things are better than sleep.

  • Mik

    Lawyer here. You cannot consent to sex while asleep. If you wake up to someone having sex with you you have been sexually assaulted. No, you cannot consent before you go to sleep.

  • Cate

    I’m pretty sure that although it is not officially diagnosed, my boyfriend has a light case of sexsomnia, the condition that makes people have sex in their sleep. I sleep much more lightly than he does, and I have woken up to him having sex with me before he even wakes up. It was strange, although not exactly bad at first, but I’ve grown to actually really enjoy it.

    This does make me wonder though, if he’s asleep and I’m asleep when it starts, but then I wake up, are we sexually assaulting each other? Or do I start sexually assaulting him when I wake up and fail to push him away?

    • Mik

      Basically – you need to be able to consent to sex and at all times during sex you need to be able to unconsent. If you wake up to someone having sex with you even or performing a sex act on you even if continue having sex you have still been sexually assaulted.

      If he can’t control his ability to have sex with you when sleeping then he has a defence to sexual assault – it may or may not fly.

      If you wake up to him having sex with you and you are either unsure of whether he is awake or not you should probably wake him up, agree or disagree to sex and then do your thing.

  • Eileen

    I’ve never been surprised (I’m such a heavy sleeper that I would probably sleep through the entire thing, which I’m sure any man I’d consent to date would find gross), but I do enjoy doing the surprising. And yes, before I did it the first time I asked him about it, and he said he didn’t mind and would always be okay with it.

    Maybe it’s still technically sexual assault, but then so is having sex with a drunk person, in which case pretty much everyone I know has been sexually assaulted.

  • Amy

    Firsly if I’m not conscious then they’re not having sex with me, they’re just using my body – I’m not involved. And that is definitely not OK. And secondly there has been absolutely no consent! That’s not just creepy, it’s a crime. Would you still think it was OK if you were passed out cold and your partner had sex with you whilst you were unconscious?! What about if you were in a coma? Sex should be consensual between two people who are both mentally present.