• Wed, Jun 20 2012

Men Tell Us: Which Of The “Worst” Cosmopolitan Magazine Sex Tips They Actually Like

cosmopolitan sex tips wow

I think, if you are a remotely offbeat ladymag, it has become a journalistic staple to make fun of the sex tips in Cosmopolitan. I think this because we do it all the time. Nerve is also doing it, and has a list of Cosmopolitan’s 44 most ridiculous tips! Since we hate it when publications that are not us do anything, ever, we decided to make fun of the way they were making fun of it by having our man panel talk about how great some of these are. I don’t know that we’re actually making fun of anything, though. It’s all gotten a bit meta. Here’s the full list of ridiculous tips:

1. “To achieve sex-goddess status, you have to truly master his man bits.”
2. “Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other… you can tap it back and forth like you’re volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles. Many women make the mistake of being too gentle.”
3. “Think of his shaft… like the outer curve of your breast. …Take his shaft between your open palms and tap it back and forth, almost like you’re volleying a tennis ball. The quick movements are a fun way to wake up his nerves.”
4.”Firmly hold the bottom of his shaft in one hand and slowly push it towards the base. (Imagine you’re pushing his penis into his body).”
5. “Alternate between swiveling both wrists in opposite directions and stroking your hands upward, twisting your wrists when you reach his head as though you are turning a doorknob. Rub your thumb in a tiny figure-eight pattern over his frenulum… Or try the windshield-wiper move; glide your thumb from side to side along the rim where his head begins, then move your thumb up and over the top of the head several times.”
6. “34 percent of guys say they wish a girl would surprise them with oral when they walk in the door.”
7. “Fifty-six percent of unmarried men prefer receiving head while lying down as opposed to standing up, while the numbers are exactly reversed for married men.”
8. “Chew a small piece of mango… then take him in your mouth. You can use whatever fruit you have, just don’t try anything too acidic, as it can burn him.”
9. “Go hot and cold. During oral, suck in air as you go down and blow it out as you go up.”
10. “As you’re going down on him, shake your head from side to side, letting your tongue follow the same pattern on the extra sensitive underside of his penis.”
11. “As you move your mouth up and down his shaft, rotate your hand in a corkscrew motion while spiraling your tongue in the opposite direction.”
12. “Tickle his feet with your nipples: climb on top of him in reverse cowgirl position, then bend over until your nipples reach the tops of his feet. …Yowzah.”
13. “Receive a butterfly kiss… on your breasts. To do: he bats his eyelids against the supersensitive underside of your breasts.”
14. “It’s time to introduce your breasts to your favorite vibrator… (how rude of your vadge to have hogged it all these years).”
15. “Dip your breasts in edible body paint, and use them to ‘sponge paint’ his entire body. Then lick it off.”
16. “Draw an attention-grabbing circle around your nipples using rhinestones and body glue for a special night in.”
17. “Cook dinner topless, apply a little tomato sauce to your nipple, and ask your man to lick it off.”
18. “Take a few of your favorite erotically appealing flavor combinations, like peanut butter and honey or whipped cream and chocolate sauce, and mix up yummy treats all over his body.”
19. “Keep a spray bottle filled with ice water next to the bed, and give each other a strategic spritz to extend the encounter… Aim for the nerve-packed, thin-skinned areas on each other’s body, such as the nipples.”
20. “Mix a few flavors [of lube] to create new combos, like strawberry-banana.”
21. “Use silicone-based lube to give each other pre-nooky rubdowns.”
22. “Mix one tablespoon of saliva (the kind deep in your throat works best — its viscosity makes it a good substitute for lube) with one tablespoon of water to stretch the spit.”
23. “Feed each other ice cream [in the dark]. Not being able to see means more spilling, which means more licking up the mess.”
24. “Dab some peppermint oil on your neck and between your breasts. Studies found that the smell of mint has a revitalizing effect. Bonus: your boobs will smell extra fresh.”
25. “Wear a cinnamony lotion or perfume. The smell of cinnamon buns increases men’s blood flow ‘down there.’”
26. Use “your electric toothbrush” or “your iPhone [when your vibrator is out of batteries].”
27. [When you’ve got an annoying roommate] “Rent a horror movie and play it while you have sex. If they hear any screams, they’ll assume it’s the movie.”
28. [On film selection] “Avoid anything that’ll cause hearty belly laughs, like Superbad — a jiggly tummy won’t make you feel good.”
29. “When he’s least expecting it, tell your man you need some change. Then stick your hand in his pocket and touch his penis through the fabric, pretending that you’re really digging around for that coinage you need. When he’s good and hard, whisper something in his ear like, “Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?”
30. “Slide your hands down the front of his pants and graze his goods when you can tell he’s had a hellish day… He really doesn’t want to answer questions like, ‘Are you okay?’… but your caress still sends the message that you’re picking up his vibe.”
31. “Slip your hand into his back pocket and lightly stroke his ass… since it’s totally private and hidden from everyone else, it conveys that you’re feeling especially attracted to him.”
THERE IS NO 32!
33. “When he’s on his way home from work, start giving yourself some solo pleasure and ‘accidentally’ dial him up. All those breathy ooohs and aaahs will be motivation for him to get to you in time to join in on the action.”
34. “Record your voice on your cell the next time you have a solo session. Then, send him the audio file in the middle of the day, with just the text, ‘Wanna hear me do this tonight?’”
35. “As you’re eating dinner together, say something X-rated like, ‘See how I’m devouring this piece of meat? That’s how I’m going to devour you.’”
36. “Hide your turned-on vibrator in his sock drawer. When he figures out where the buzzing is coming from, tell him he gets to experience its pleasure power.”
37. “Give him a beer facial — the combination of the egg white and the yeast in the hops hydrates and improves skin elasticity… but you can just tell him that your lips can’t resist his delicious, beer-flavored face.”
38. “If your guy is suddenly going around all happy and whistling, then you need to find out why.”
39. “Be especially careful if he is neat, well-groomed or spending more time at the gym.”
40. “If his wardrobe is constantly changing, watch out!”
41. “Not ecofriendly? It could be a sign that he’ll trash your relationship too.”
42. “Keep your eye on a guy who loves to social network — he may need constant attention.”
43. “Reach over and grab his knee while you’re both sitting.”
44. “Grasp his hands and coax them into a prayer position, then position hands over his… Your words [will] become more persuasive to him, though he won’t know why.”

 

 

Future wedding night pic via Digital Slander


Cosmo cover pics via Cosmopolitan

Share This Post:
  • Naomi

    I bet it’d be fun to work in an office like theirs, where you’re obviously encouraged to smoke pot on the clock.

  • Beverly

    I clicked on their link and was bored just reading it. *yawn*

    • Beverly

      Damn 7 year old computer freezing while I’m trying to post a comment! Sorry for the double comments.

  • Beverly

    I was bored just reading their post *yawn*

  • Megan

    I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard at an article as this one. All of these suggestions are fucking ridiculous.

  • Maria

    Lists like these always make me wonder how other people live their lives. So there are people who, during sex, get a tablespoon of spit, go to the bathroom (I don’t have a sink in my bedroom), grab some mixing container, measure a teaspoon of water, combine spit and water, go back to the bedroom and use that as lube because getting lube is too complicated?

    • hypatia arez (@justhypatia)

      Literally yelled at my computer screen, “Just go buy some lube!”

  • Niki

    The look on my boyfriends face as I read these off was priceless. Particularly the ones suggesting we treat their dicks like a volleyball, pinch their balls, and try to push the whole shebang inside their body.

    And what is with Cosmos obsession with food and sex? Half of these sound like torture tips, the other half sound like ’100 great ways to contract a raging yeast infection!’

  • Lain

    I don’t think I’ll ever forget “RETURN FROM WHENCE YOU CAME, PENIS!”
    Golden.

  • porkchop

    “I almost wrecked everything by forgetting the tablespoon”!!

    Randall Munroe, is that you? Because that was the xkcd of sex tip sendups.

    • “Ed”

      No, someone else – but thank you for the compliment!

  • Guy

    Where is the part where your man panel talks about how great some of these are? I do not see a man panel discussing anything anywhere on this page.

    • Guy

      Okay, never mind, I figured it out. Funniest line : “…it’s never just an accident…”

  • Bananalicker

    Been there done that …….

  • India

    39. “Be especially careful if he is neat, well-groomed or spending more time at the gym.

    Be especially careful with WHAT exactly, you are already smacking his dick around like a volley ball. Or does this mean some other spit lubing wack job is devouring his meat *like this* as he is licking tomato sauce off her nipples.

    I object. NO MAN approved this list. The world would be better served without the input of the Cosmo writers, who are destroying good sex as we know it, month by month with this idiotic bullshit that is almost guaranteed to send a man running like hell with beer on his face while some wet egg slobbering psycho chases him down offering up a trial run with her vibrator.

  • Breezy

    Bwahahaha! Greg, you are probably right about Judith Butler.