Some Things I Would Need To Feel I “Had It All”

atlantic have it all

Late to the party! Did you know you can’t have it all? Let’s be indignant. What an outrageous thing to say. What an outrageous, unexpected statement, Atlantic magazine. Anyhow, I totally want it all. ALL OF IT. What do I want? ALL THE THINGS. Specifically, to have it all, I want:

A naked baby in a briefcase!

A pony that changes colors like the one in OZ

Perfect job

Perfect husband

Perfect children

Constant praise

Absolutely no responsibilities to anyone! Fuck people!

The ability to live forever

Everything going right all the time

A monkey named “Lucretius” who rides on my shoulder

A monkey named “Lucretius” who rides on my shoulder and can talk and wear little hats.

A monkey named “Lucretius” who rides on my shoulder and can talk and wear little hats and praises me. Constantly.

Basically everyone doing what I want at every moment of every day

Everyone really challenging me

A metabolism referred to as “lightning fast.”

Unlimited ice cream sundaes (see above).

Basically endless relaxation

Hard work that inspires me


Yeah, that’s all. So. I’d like all of that.


(You can have 5.7% of each of these things, but not all of all of them, in case you were wondering. Figure out which ones you need. In my case, the only one I need is a hat wearing, constantly praising monkey with the gift of speech, but that’s me, because I’m down-to-earth that way).

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    • MR

      I like the prioritization of your list better. :)

    • Lucretius

      It’s ‘lightning’. The pony ate three of my hats and your sundae, and damned if I’m cleaning that baby briefcase again. I’m going on strike. You’re super.

    • Kate Messinger

      I think you could probably feel as if you had it all, if only for a few hours, while playing God in Black &White. Or at least forget about it by relishing in a 4th of July where you talk to no one except the product of your eugenic Creatures creations. Turns out, in computer games, you CAN have it all!