Have you ever looked at a baseball player’s ass, all round and out there in his tight baseball pants, and just wanted to run over and give it a quick love tap? 17-year-old Omaha native Candice Sortino has, but unlike you, she fucking did something about it.
At a baseball thing called the College World Series last week, following a flash of mad inspiration, young Candice braved security to make her way onto the field in pursuit of her fleshy targets. As she explains in the local news video above, she was motivated a little bit by the exhibitionism of the thing, but mostly by the taboo, as well as the potential for full-body contact:
“There’s so many people watching, and it’s against the rules, and you get tackled, too…I started running the other way, and that’s when I touched the butts of the players.”
Fair enough! And in case any of you cynics out there are thinking that Candice was motivated by the potential for viral fame, think again:
“I didn’t even think about that, actually. I didn’t realize it would be such a big deal.”
Her motivations for touching the butts were pure, okay?
But as tempting as it would be to make this pervy little girl a hero of reverse sexual harassment, I feel obligated to remind you that unwanted butt-touching is wrong, no matter who does it. And Candice Sortino realizes that, okay?
“It was a bad decision, it was fun but I shouldn’t of done it…I know it was wrong.”
Let’s just hope she doesn’t team up with those two geniuses who stole that girl scout’s cookie money to create a terrifying, amoral, teen-ruled, Hobbesian world where people touch butts and steal things at their leisure. I feel like those three together would be unstoppable.