Harlotry: On The Time I Had A Client Who Couldn’t Get It Up

While it may seem surprising given that I was a prostitute for almost a year, I’ve never knowingly deflowered anyone (professionally or privately). Despite the fact that I’ve never harvested a single virginity, I’ve provided innumerable first experiences. Sex workers don’t just provide human contact to lonely people and outlets for desires, a large part of our job is teaching. Of course, good teachers are also willing to learn along with their students.

Even after three months as a prostitute, the nervousness that came before each call hadn’t quite worn off. Every time I went to see a new client, my legs would magically turn themselves into Jell-O and I would obsess over all the potential disasters. I was never afraid of being chopped up and left in a dumpster, but I am an immensely awkward person, and I was horrified by the probability that I could be exposed as the ungainly little girl I was.

Luckily, most people who patronize prostitutes are—in my experience—just as graceless as I am. When you have two awkward people, one of whom is trying to pass herself off as a fantasy, the potential for social pitfalls is enormous. I also hadn’t yet learned that while clients were absolutely seeking sex, they were primarily seeking intimacy. It hadn’t occurred to me that a somewhat awkward, extremely human woman could make someone feel more at ease than an ethereal creature exuding poise and grace.

When I made the appointment, I had no idea that “Jeff” had never hired a prostitute before. I knew that he lived in a hip neighborhood and that he didn’t attempt to haggle the price. He described himself in his email, something that prospective clients often do. I suspect that the descriptions come from some desire to arouse genuine lust or at least interest, but the practice of volunteering idealized physical descriptions always confused me. No matter what they actually looked like, these men almost always claimed to be six feet tall, 200 lbs, and dark haired with blue eyes. Every so often they would also give aspirational penis measurements (seven or nine inches, never higher or lower) but that was more unusual than one would think.

…Unlike most of my prospective clients however, Jeff gave a description of himself that seemed truthful. The honesty of his email and the unquestioning acceptance of my rates was enough to make me suspect that there could be a higher than usual awkwardness potential.

Share This Post:
    • Gennaro Monaco

      Test comment

    • Gennaro

      Yet another test, this time as a non-logged in user.

      • G

        This post is so funny!

    • Mish

      I am scared that you threw your disease concerns out the window so quickly.

      • Cate

        The thing is, it’s relatively difficult to contract any of the more insidious diseases without any actual bodily fluid transfer. If there aren’t any obvious indicators (lesions, warts, whatever you call herpes thingies) you’d have to basically be the most unlucky person in the world to catch something while giving the very beginnings of a blowjob.

        That being said, it still was probably not the smartest thing to do but I was fortunate enough to never contract a single disease when I was a prostitute.

    • Tiffany

      I look forward to every one of your posts :) so funny and interesting

    • Mia

      Is this the rehashing of an episode of BBC’s Diary of a Call Girl? How stereotypical and completely unbelievable.

      • Mandy

        Except for the whole part where her stories took place years before that show was on air… But sure, keep up the cynicism.

    • Shannon

      Just to clarify: HPV, one of the most common sexually transmitted diseases, if not THE most common, is contractable by skin to skin contact. Genital warts are just one of the strains of HPV. (You don’t have to see genital warts on the skin to catch that strain, either.) Same for herpes simplex virus, the other most common sexually transmitted disease.

      Anyway, just wanted to clarify that you can DEFINITELY contract an STI without bodily fluid exchange. I’m glad you’ve been fortunate, though.

      Source: worker at a sexual health clinic