Harlotry: On The Time I Had A Client Who Couldn’t Get It Up

Jeff lived in one of the ugly new condos that had been going up around Logan Square for a few years and recently started creeping into my perfectly nice ghetto. As soon as I saw his building, all fears of awkwardness vanished. I was fully prepared to hate and scorn him (giving me the upper hand).

When I got to Jeff’s apartment, though, it became very clear that hating this man would be completely unfair: he was an average-looking aging-hipster type, maybe in his mid-thirties. He had red hair, glasses, and a somewhat wispy beard.

The first word out of his mouth was “Wow,” rapidly followed by, “You are beautiful.” I was immediately concerned.

I have never really known how to accept compliments beyond the first ‘thank you’, and clients are often given to a kind of verbal diarrhea. It begins with, ‘you’re beautiful’ and then the adulation pours out until they are saying things that defy all reason and telling you that you’re the most beautiful girl they have ever seen, something that cannot be true. Jeff seemed as if he might be at an elevated risk for word vomit, but instead of disgorging a stream of escalating praise, he quickly apologized, confessed he had never done this before, offered me a beer (which I politely refused), and informed that he’d had a few beers of his own to relax.

As I followed him into the bedroom I noticed five Guinness bottles on Jeff’s coffee table and, although he didn’t seem visibly drunk, I became somewhat anxious about how well this call was going to go. After some fairly awful making out (by the end of which we were both stripped down to only underwear) it was clear that my suspicions were legitimate: there were no boners to be had in the room.

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    • Gennaro Monaco

      Test comment

    • Gennaro

      Yet another test, this time as a non-logged in user.

      • G

        This post is so funny!

    • Mish

      I am scared that you threw your disease concerns out the window so quickly.

      • Cate

        The thing is, it’s relatively difficult to contract any of the more insidious diseases without any actual bodily fluid transfer. If there aren’t any obvious indicators (lesions, warts, whatever you call herpes thingies) you’d have to basically be the most unlucky person in the world to catch something while giving the very beginnings of a blowjob.

        That being said, it still was probably not the smartest thing to do but I was fortunate enough to never contract a single disease when I was a prostitute.

    • Tiffany

      I look forward to every one of your posts :) so funny and interesting

    • Mia

      Is this the rehashing of an episode of BBC’s Diary of a Call Girl? How stereotypical and completely unbelievable.

      • Mandy

        Except for the whole part where her stories took place years before that show was on air… But sure, keep up the cynicism.

    • Shannon

      Just to clarify: HPV, one of the most common sexually transmitted diseases, if not THE most common, is contractable by skin to skin contact. Genital warts are just one of the strains of HPV. (You don’t have to see genital warts on the skin to catch that strain, either.) Same for herpes simplex virus, the other most common sexually transmitted disease.

      Anyway, just wanted to clarify that you can DEFINITELY contract an STI without bodily fluid exchange. I’m glad you’ve been fortunate, though.

      Source: worker at a sexual health clinic