• Mon, Jul 2 2012

Harlotry: On The Time I Had A Client Who Couldn’t Get It Up

I was faced with a conundrum. Either I could 1) break my number one rule of disease protection and try to get him hard enough to put on a condom with an unprotected blowjob or 2) I could just give it up. Jeff seemed to have finally noticed that something was wrong too and began apologizing profusely. This didn’t help matters and I decided that, unless there were any obvious indicators of disease, I should just go for the blowjob.

Somewhat against my better judgment I proceeded with the strangest, most unpleasant blowjob I have ever given. I’m not entirely sure ‘blowjob’ is the correct word for an act of fellatio in which the receiving partner remains completely flaccid, but unless ‘sucking a miniature elephant’s trunk’ is a real euphemism, ‘blowjob’ is the word I have to use. After the first five minutes, it was obvious to me that the mixture of nervousness and alcohol running through Jeff’s bloodstream were conspiring to make my efforts completely futile. It took about ten minutes for Jeff to come to the same conclusion.

He sat up on the bed, “I’m sorry,” he said, “I think I drank too much, it isn’t your fault, you’re wonderful, but this isn’t going to happen.”

I had no idea what to do. I had only encountered erectile dysfunction once before: with an almost-boyfriend and after so much whiskey that we were both too drunk to fuck. There were no real expectations and certainly no money changing hands. We laughed about it and lulled each other to sleep with a slurred rendition of the Dead Kennedys song.

Now, however, laughing and impersonating Jello Biafra didn’t seem like a good solution.

I wasn’t about to insist that we keep trying and I didn’t know how to handle the situation gracefully, so I ended up mumbling “it’s okay” and trying not to seem too relieved that he’d given up. Or too concerned that he’d ask for a refund.

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  • Gennaro Monaco

    Test comment

  • Gennaro

    Yet another test, this time as a non-logged in user.

    • G

      This post is so funny!

  • Mish

    I am scared that you threw your disease concerns out the window so quickly.

    • Cate

      The thing is, it’s relatively difficult to contract any of the more insidious diseases without any actual bodily fluid transfer. If there aren’t any obvious indicators (lesions, warts, whatever you call herpes thingies) you’d have to basically be the most unlucky person in the world to catch something while giving the very beginnings of a blowjob.

      That being said, it still was probably not the smartest thing to do but I was fortunate enough to never contract a single disease when I was a prostitute.

  • Tiffany

    I look forward to every one of your posts :) so funny and interesting

  • Mia

    Is this the rehashing of an episode of BBC’s Diary of a Call Girl? How stereotypical and completely unbelievable.

    • Mandy

      Except for the whole part where her stories took place years before that show was on air… But sure, keep up the cynicism.

  • Shannon

    Just to clarify: HPV, one of the most common sexually transmitted diseases, if not THE most common, is contractable by skin to skin contact. Genital warts are just one of the strains of HPV. (You don’t have to see genital warts on the skin to catch that strain, either.) Same for herpes simplex virus, the other most common sexually transmitted disease.

    Anyway, just wanted to clarify that you can DEFINITELY contract an STI without bodily fluid exchange. I’m glad you’ve been fortunate, though.

    Source: worker at a sexual health clinic