Breaking News: I Loathe Receiving Oral Sex (Please Tell Me I’m Not Alone)

Panda sushi! Yes, this does somehow relate to oral sex.

I came to the realization the other night that I just don’t like cunnilingus. If I never had it again, I’d be fine with it. While “loathe” might be a strong word, it’s definitely something I don’t need on the menu every time I have sex with someone.

As I’m sure I’ve written about before, a lot of men, especially when they’re younger, aren’t really quite sure where things are. This turns into a fast lapping that lacks direction and is similar to when one quickly licks at their melting ice cream cone on a summer’s day. I can admit that there have only been two men in my life who have been able to give me an orgasm from oral sex. One, due to other, ahem, short-comings had learned to master it because he physically had no choice in the matter; while the other, well, there was probably some sort of love on my part involved and everything he did was the greatest thing in the history of the world and he should be awarded some medal of honor for being so cool, having a better vinyl collection than mine and making me crazy like no other. Obviously, that former opinion has changed. Sort of.

But even with these two particular men, I always slightly hoped we could just skip the whole oral sex part. I was more than happy to give, but not so excited to receive. Although I would like to point out that their desire to give was definitely exciting and a turn on, it was something on which I could pass. I won’t even get into both the physical and mental response whenever I’ve heard “sit on my face.” No, thanks, love.

As a means to test this theory and finally come clean about my less than enthusiastic feelings on receiving oral sex, my current partner and I gave it a try — with the complete honesty out there between us. His feeling is that I’m too much of a stress case and refuse to relax, while I argued that while this is true, I saw the cunnilingus part of the evening as almost a break from the events that were going on so I could think about what I had to do the following day or what color I should get during my next manicure. It wasn’t a knock against him or any fella who came before (that’s what she said!), or should come after him, it was just simply a lack of interest. I’m not interested in reading Fifty Shades of Grey, movies with impossible endings or watered-down coffee. It’s just how it is.

While I explained to Mr. Current Partner that I wouldn’t stop him from going down on me if that was something enjoyable for him, he just shouldn’t expect me to get all amped up and put on a show. It is what it is. Although now I’m thinking I should have just kept this to myself because he’s made it some sort of mission to prove me wrong. I tried to tell him opinions can’t be wrong, but he seems to feel otherwise when it comes to oral sex.

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    • Jamie Peck

      I think good oral sex is kind of the best thing ever. I can see how it would not be fun for someone with an uber-sensitive clit, but as someone who can’t get off from just p-in-v, I welcome it gladly. Provided they are good at it. (Bad oral is the worst.)

      • kjon

        I’m with you, Jamie, I love some good oral. Luckily, I have a bf who loves it as well, maybe even more than I do. P-in-vagee sex requires a lot more concentration on my part to get off.

      • AD

        Agreed. The quality makes all the difference, just like everything else with sex. P-in-v never means orgasms for me (it’s just a completely different-though-awesome feeling), so oral is essential.

    • Lindsay

      You are not alone. I just can’t get into it. I would always rather skip this part of sex! Why is it that men always take it as a challenge when you finally tell them it’s just not your thing? I appreciate the willingness to please, but let me redirect you to something that actually pleases me. If you find a way to have this conversation with out the resulting “mission” please let me know what you said and how you said it.

    • Colleen

      I feel the same way, only moreso – I refuse to allow it from my Future Hubs, and though I’m more than willing to give, he isn’t into receiving either. So our sex life is fabulous, everyone gets what they want, and we don’t have messy hang ups on things we don’t.

    • Natalie Zutter

      I totally agree that the guy’s excitement about doing it is what can make it really hot. I’ve had scattered experiences; my ex (longterm bf of four years) was pretty good, but it was always secondary to p-in-v, and he was hesitant about doing it, probably out of some insecurity. More and more though, I’m running into guys who just go for it and seem to genuinely enjoy doing it, and it’s been great.

      But I also have to second the point about what kind of wording you use. One guy I hooked up with was really good at oral–I came multiple times–but when he offered to go down there again and said, “Do you want to fuck my face again?” I was just like “…No.” The mental image made it so not sexy.

    • porkchop

      The panda sushi is DEVASTATING!! I love it. I’m dying of how cute that is.

      • Danielle

        The Japanese love to do cute things to their food. Search “bento” under the images tab in Google. You’ll find thousands of cutesy sushi images.

    • Danielle

      I’m totally with you on this. I could care less if I ever get oral sex again. I have no problem giving it but I really don’t enjoy receiving it. My boyfriend loves it and thinks this is the highlight of our sexual encounters. I’m literally bored to tears while he’s down there. My mind strays and I start thinking about all the shit I have to do later in the day. I find the whole process to be a huge distraction to the main event.

    • Lindsey

      Ditto. It’s not awful but… meh. It’s not unpleasant, but there are a million things I’d rather be doing. Except I find the whole ‘kissing down the belly/thighs’ thing to be super hot. So I’m sending mixed signals. oh well.

    • Ally

      AGREED. I also love giving it but when it comes to receiving my feelings range from being okay with it to ‘oh god, this slobbery mess’. The idea of it doesn’t turn me on in any way and I would much rather do other things. I don’t know why. I’ve tried and enjoy a lot of things other women are hesitant to but receiving oral is just…blah to me.

    • Anne

      Damn. I like Tattoo Guy. So I hate to make him wrong here, but it’s true. A guy has to be REALLY good at that shit or please don’t bother.

      • Leah

        Ugh totally agree. I estimate that about 3% of the male population is any good at it, and when the other 97% try to do it it’s just a huge waste of time. Face out of my vulva please!

      • K

        Totally agree with these estimates, LOL.

    • Jen

      I’ve been married for a bajillion years and hubby doesn’t like giving… and I miiiiissssss it! This just made me realize that. Sad face.

    • Sam

      I have stopped having sex with people, and nearly broken up with others, because of a lack of oral sex. It’s like, waaaay up there on the List of Requirements for me. But I can totally see how somebody would not be into it! I just can’t orgasm otherwise. :(

      • Amy

        Yup, dealbreaker for me too. “Must be inclined to dine on southern cuisine.”

        I am more likely to orgasm from p-in-v if I’ve just orgasmed from oral. It, like, turns on a bunch of interal nerves or something that are only activated from oral sexplosions.

    • Yes

      Thank you for writing this! Now can we just find a way to get this on the news or something? Part of why I hate receiving oral is the pressure I feel to climax. Guys always seem to expect that it will get me off and they’ll just go on and on, faster, harder, etc waiting for something to happen. While it feels good, for me it’s just foreplay and I get bored after a while.

    • Amanda Chatel

      I knew I could not have been the only one feeling this way! THANK YOU.

    • Cate

      I cannot say how glad I am that I’m not the only woman who feels this way. Bad oral is the most disgusting thing in the world, but even good oral is just sort of boring. I mean, it feels nice but like you say, there are so many things I would rather be doing. On the other hand guys who ABSOLUTELY REFUSE to give oral are usually selfish jerks. So I suppose that the moral of the story is ‘be willing, but never actually demonstrate your willingness.’

      • Amy

        Totally this! Willingness is v good, but I’d rather do something more enjoyable. So good to hear I’m not the only one who feels like this. It shits me when people make out you’re a prude if you don’t just LIVE for it. I am certainly not prudish, I just find it boring, particularly when it’s accompanied by the pressure to pretend as though it’s the best thing in the world.

    • LCT

      Agreed. I enjoy it, but for me it’s more like the beginning event for the rest of foreplay. I think I’ve only gotten off once from it, ever.

    • JoJo

      If a man knows what he is doing, oral is the best. I feel sorry for anyone that has not had the change to have a lover to send them into another world. I am so lucky my man loves giving and receiving we are a match made in heaven.

    • Rebekah Mae

      So maybe I just haven’t had good oral, I don’t know, but I don’t think I’ll ever know because it’s not that I don’t like the way it feels to receive oral, it’s the thought of it. It’s the thought of a mans head between my thighs and his mouth near my vagina that sends me into a frenzy. And not in a good way.

    • BK

      THANK YOU. I can’t stand – in fact, I’d go so far as to say that I hate – receiving oral sex. I love giving blow jobs; I think they’re really fun and I greatly enjoy them, but I really do not like when the guy I’m with tries to reciprocate. Fingering, on the other hand… oh man, I could go for that any time!!

    • Kim

      For me, the only benefit of oral is that I’m more likely to orgasim from p-in-the-v when it is a precursor, but alone, I’ll pass. Amanda, I love your articles, they make me feel less alone. Thank you for your intense honesty.

    • koolchicken

      Thank you for this. I spent years reading women’s magazines that say “Don’t worry, most totally normal women can’t orgasm through intercourse alone and need manual stimulation”. So what does that make me, some abnormal freak? I don’t like oral sex, I prefer actual intercourse. I can and do regularly orgasm through intercourse but simply can’t through oral, plus it feels icky. Fortunately my husband was eventually willing to leave it alone and he hasn’t bothered me about it for a couple of years.

    • Dawn

      MERCI please add me to the list of women who dont like oral. Don’t get me wrong, I’m turned on by the enthusiasm with which partners want to display their affection but it makes me apprehensive, too slobbery, too intense, too much gratitude expected.
      Nipples are sensitive too guys.

    • breezy

      I have friends across the entire spectrum– some can’t get enough of it, another who hates vaginas so much she can’t understand why someone would want to put his face in it (this friend makes me sad). I don’t mind receiving because the hub so loves giving, but I’m not super into it and I think there are two reasons: one, I don’t really like excess moisture. It’s messy, and it makes me feel slobbery and gross. BLECHHH. So between the wetness of a mouth and that of a vagina, I feel the need to get paper towels more than the urge to moan, etc.

      Also, it makes me feel left out. I like being involved in the sex I’m having, not passively lying there while things are done to me.

    • Iain

      Woman doesn’t like oral – that is a deal breaker.

      Plenty more women out there who do! :)

    • woo

      When it’s a chick giving it, in the words of Busta: GIMME SOME MO’!. When it’s a guy, it just feels wrong to me, and that’s including my current partner of six years who is a dude.

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    • Em

      AGREED! I can orgasm from oral but I dislike the weird, cold, raw, feeling from the moisture cooling afterwards. I also had a guy decide he was going to “show me” what I had been missing. It was so jerky after I had already said ‘no thanks’. I opted not to see him again and he decided that it was because I was a prude. Sigh. Also, I get a little lazy after my first orgasm so I don’t feel like I can be as engaged if I go first.

    • TXRunner

      Oh Lawd. I’ve had some good oral in the past, but I feel like what made me so turned on was that the guy was hot and the sexual chemistry was through the roof. Some guys just have that swagger. My fiance, who I’ve been with for about 4 years, is the love of my life, but errrrrrrr, oral isn’t my fave. I don’t know if this is bad, but I think maybe I’m programmed to think of cunny as a dirty, stranger, sexy thing and not a “share with your life partner” kind of act. I don’t know if anyone else feels that way but I do.

    • Lastango

      I haven’t done research, but here’s my personal advice to men who are trying to please a woman who doesn’t get much out of oral:

      – Tell her you’re patient, and would like to help her enjoy every part of sex. Spend time together, and show you care — for women, companionship is very sexy.

      – Ask her where her hot spots are, and what sort of pressure, strokes, and speed she responds to.

      – Don’t treat oral as foreplay. Warm her up first, with things she enjoys. Like what? Experiment, and ask her. Make sure her motor is running before you start.

      – Be creative. Some women find unorthadox positions thrilling. Some respond to being talked to in a certain way, or to an erotic surprise like (say) receiving oral from behind, bent over the dining room table while still dressed.

      – Use a combined approach. Sequence and alternate artfully. You still have two hands and ten fingers… your tongue doesn’t have to be the only part of you at work.

      – Ask her if she’s self-conscious about odor. If it’s not a problem for you, tell her. If it really is a bit strong, try to find a solution. Simple washing might do it. Then she can relax, and the chances of success go way up.

      – Realize that if she uses a vibrator you might be licked no matter what you try. It’s hard to compete with that level of stimulation. But have a talk about that before you give up.

      – If you do stop trying, let her know she is still just as appealing to you sexually, and you’re not upset. Tell her you’ll be pleased to try again if she wants you to. She still may not like receiving oral sex very much, but she’ll like you a whole lot more for caring.

      – …and if your woman DOES like oral, try some of all this anyway, especially the creative parts. The two of you may have some magic together she’ll never forget!

    • Jae

      I feel like you and I are almost the same person. Reading your story- I remembered exactly what that irksome feeling was like…my mind would wonder about all the errands I needed to run; and if I had enough clean work scrubs; or what I wanted for dinner. I always felt really bad for feeling that way.

      But lately, not so much.
      Your story is merely affirming it.

      I always tried to avoid this area… I am like you, where as I really enjoy giving to my Mr. Significant…and I always hope that he won’t ever attempt it, to avoid that moment when he sees “she’s not liking it”….
      I can satisfy (in pretty much) every other area….yup, that’s what I SAID…
      I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I don’t think I can ever just “deal” with it..
      Its annoying and strange for me, sorry love (not that you are “dealing” with anything, just a statement).

      I also have that fear of looking like a “freak” because of not wanting any part with that (on just my end alone).

      I mean really, the only person that would technically be “hurting” or “missing out” would be…..guess who, BUT, I !!!

      And I AM OKAY with that!!!

      P.S: And that makes me feel really bad that your man is “trying to prove a point”, so now you have to deal with an excessive amount of something you DON’T LIKE cause he can’t put his big boy pants on and get over that it’s not about him or anything else.
      Just a general lack of interest.

      P.S.S: I am in a fairly “new” relationship…..and he and I have not had any friction in the sheets as of yet…so he has no idea I feel this way; as I don’t know where he stands either (he is in the army and stationed in Hawaii). And in less than 2 weeks I am visiting him!!!
      So IDK how to go about bringing this up, seeing how this is rather important for our physical relationship.

      “Hi baby I love you and promise to still love me after I tell you this….but, you know I love f#*$$King the S#*T out of you….right?? And inducing lots of relaxation to you….yeah? But do me a HUGE and keep your incredible tongue (kissing my lips only) away from my whoo ha please??!?? ”

      Actually, that might work….he is extremly kind, understand, and wicked respectful :)

      Best of luck!!!! Hope he gets the hint and is proven wrong!! It’s an opinion, not a wrong answer. Grrr @ men….

      Jae