‘We Can’t Have Sex, I Want To Get Married And Have Kids — You Obviously Don’t’

Oh life! How I love thee!

As a single woman who is not committed to Tattoo Guy and am still trying to figure out where the fuck I want to take my life, I had a run-in with my hot neighbor last night. Hot Neighbor is an actual adult, with a real job and does adult things like, well, I don’t know, but they’re very “adult,” and I find this to be extremely attractive on top of him being Hot Neighbor.

Last night I got home after some heart-to-heart bullshit with Tattoo Guy, and invited my neighbor Alex over to entertain me since I was wide awake and needed a buddy. Alex, also considering Hot Neighbor to be more than easy on the eyes, suggested we invite him to come play with us. So, as if we’re in a dorm, because it was past midnight, we waltzed on down to Hot Neightbor’s apartment, (he was a sleep, mind you, because he’s an adult) and asked him to come hang out. Having today off, he agreed.

And it was great and fun, and involved things like drugs and drinking and some voyeursim (damn that Alex) that I won’t get into, but what it came down to is one thing led to another and I ended up in Hot Neighbor’s apartment having sex. Apparently, my hedonism phase is still going strong, but I plan to reel that shit in once I’m in Colorado for a month.

But the problem is I have a Peter Pan complex. I know, as a woman, this is not normally associated with my gender, but it’s true. So in the middle of this great, aggressive sex that involved knocking shit over and falling off the bed, he stopped to ask me for what I’m looking. I was confused. I wasn’t looking for anything at the moment and was concentrating on him. But, with further explanation, he wanted to know what I was looking for long term. My answer: “a book deal, and I’ll figure the rest out later.” Wrong answer.

“You don’t want to get married and have kids? That’s kinda weird.” he said.

“Well, not at the moment. Someday, but not right now.”

“But you’re old enough that you should want that!” he exclaimed.

“True. But not right now.”

The sex abruptly came to an end, but not before he again told me that I should want those things. I asked him to hand me my clothes which, before I revealed my lack of interest in a conventional storybook ending he had torn off me with such fervor, I’ll need to get the zipper fixed, and left — where I proceeded to cry back up the stairs to my apartment.

I cried because I’m leaving the city I love once again because of a man with whom I can’t stop being in love. I cried because maybe Hot Neighbor was right. I cried because I was exhausted and hadn’t packed that night the way I swore I would. But mostly I cried because my biological clock is in off mode and while I think that’s a great thing for me right now, he was the first person to actually question it with an air of disdain.

When I got back to my place Alex was asleep in my bed. I crawled into bed with him and cried some more. I’m really hoping the next time I’m having sex with someone he doesn’t stop midway through because of such a reason; any other reason will do. If I’m not sex material because I don’t want to settle down just yet, then fuck ‘em. Fuck anyone who thinks it’s “weird” that I’m just not there yet.


Photo: Disney

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    • Lindsay

      That was shitty. How dare he tell you what you should want?! He hardly knows you. I’m really tired of men telling woman that they should want to be married and have kids. FUCK YOU! Sorry. This one hit very close to home.

      • Amanda Chatel

        No no! I need that! We’re talking about something that happened less than 12 hours ago! If I didn’t have The Gloss to air my dirty laundry and get feedback, well, I don’t know where I’d be…

        Thank you!

      • Lindsay

        The guy is an asshole. If you are sad and reflective, that is fine. But don’t this asshole get to you. Sometimes we don’t know what we want. You will figure it out. What is wrong with this man that he couldn’t enjoy the sex he was clearly after?! Buddy, it’s just sex. Again, fuck this guy and his traditional values. This conversation after a night of drugs, drinking, and casual sex is just insane.

      • Amanda Chatel

        That was his whole thing! He couldn’t do it because it was “just sex!” Tattoo Guy, whom I just told, thinks the dude may have some issues… and that’s why I love Tattoo Guy.

    • Lindsay

      Tattoo Guy is right. Did this guy think you were starting the love story that you would eventually tell your kids? Ugh.

      • Amanda Chatel

        Maybe he was looking for a When Harry Met Sally thing?

        Either way, he’s a good guy AND has this really darling Jersey accent. I can’t believe I just wrote that. My grandfather just rolled over in his grave.

    • meteor_echo

      Pffffffft. That guy’s an asshole.
      Also – do childfree people need to stay celibate for-fucking-ever, or what? Not wanting baybees is an absolutely normal thing, I wish more people understood that.

    • Renee

      Hot Neighbor? More like Judgmental Sexist Douche Neighbor.

      It is so ridiculously sexist to expect that a woman is going to want to get married and have kids. As if that was the only purpose of a woman’s life? Add on top of that the judgement and shaming…ugh, he is a Douche (capital D, and just as bad for women as a real douche)

      Seriously, this guy is not worth crying over, and definitely not worth sleeping with.

      • Amanda Chatel

        But Renee… he was sooo aggressive in bed! It was so hot! It didn’t match up with the 180 he pulled.

        I’m not crying over him. I’m still crying over Swede… because I’m an IDIOT.

      • Renee

        There are non-asshole guys out there who are just as hot and aggressive in bed!

        Aw, you aren’t an idiot. You’re a human, and that comes with a whole bag of ridiculous shit to deal with, including feelings that don’t follow any rhyme or reason. Give yourself a break sometimes!

      • Amanda Chatel

        And that’s why I’m running off to Colorado tomorrow!

    • Lilac

      Um…I can’t really be mad at him. You’re life seems completely up in the air and maybe he wanted to possibly know if you wanted the same future he was looking for. True, he asked it at a bad time but I am sure doing drugs and drinking didn’t help. You don’t say how old you are but I read alot of red flags in this story. I think you need therapy. Not because you don’t want kids, I don’t want kids either but alot of red flags in this. Please go talk to someone.

      • Amanda Chatel

        I’m in therapy for unrelated issues.

        As for red flags, I don’t see them. I just want to have fun… that doesn’t warrant any red flags in my book.

    • Lilac

      No longer see my comment. So I will say “Wow this guy was such a jerk!” Let’s see if that comment stays up.

      • Amanda Chatel

        What!?!? I can see your comment! And we NEVER delete comments (hell, I don’t even know how to), because we love our commenters and opinions are important! Speak your mind, Lilac!

        (Also refresh your page, because it’s still there — I promise.)

      • Sam

        I can still see your old comment…

    • Lilac

      There is nothing wrong with having fun but having no boundaries show some serious issues. Glad you are talking to someone for unrelated issues.

      • Amanda Chatel

        Oh, it’s just a phase. I’m trying to get over a broken heart, so I’m acting like a child.

    • kjon

      I hope you have fun here (Colorado)! I recently figured out you were from here so no wonder I like you so much.

      And I don’t think that Hot Neighbor guy was trying to be an asshole on purpose (even though he absolutely was!). I think we’ve all slipped and expressed surprise towards someone who then took it as a judgement. <— Uh, hope that made sense, I can't think of a better way to type that thought. Anyway, I've done that and I've had it done to me. So, so many times and it totally hurts.

      • Amanda Chatel

        No no! I’m a New Englander! My sister went to school in Boulder and that’s where she stayed. But if you’re out there and want to get drinks, that might be weird at first but fun… so think about it! But I also realize it’s a huge state… so I guess it would depend on where you are. However, I should point out that I’ve ended up hanging out with a bunch of regular commenters, depending on where I’ve been in the world, and it’s always been great.

        But you’re right… I don’t think he meant to be an asshole on purpose. Some people have different goals and I respect that. I’m just “special,” I guess… or so my friends and family keep telling me… and they don’t mean in a good way… they mean it in a “special” way. I think.

      • kjon

        Oh, I see! Well you’re an honorary Colorado girl to me. Are you thinking about hitting downtown Denver some night?

        I had a bad love, too and it changed me in a way that I’m still not sure was good or bad. And there are so many questions that never get answered. That’s one of the many reasons I like your articles.

      • Amanda Chatel

        Absolutely! There’s some sushi joint in Denver that my sister wants to take me to, so we could meet up before, after, during… whatever. I’m sure I’ll be there on other nights, too (although not many), but I know for a fact I’ll be there for that sushi place that is supposedly excellent — I just can’t recall the name.

        Send me an email: chatel.amanda@gmail.com

        (and now watch all the haters email me…)

    • Jen

      OK, so basically I’m coming to The Gloss several times a day just to read your missives and see how you’re doing and what you’re up to… which upon re-reading sounds REALLY weird and stalkery but I’m totally not, I promise.

      Let’s see if I can say this without sounding like a complete weirdo. You’ve been putting a lot out there lately, about drinking and its consequences, about love and broken heartedness and your self-described hedonism, maybe some poor choices here and there… and it kind of feels like you’re chronicling all the shit I went through around your age (I’m guessing, but late 20′s?). I’m probably somewhat internet-naive, but I’ve never witnessed anyone doing that on a blog before. At least not as raw and out there as you’ve been. Your’e sharing with the world, openly and boldly, the types of things I always considered my down and dirty secrets. And I’m totally hooked. I want you to be ok.

      I’m a bit (haha, a lot) older now and still self-analytical as all hell. It’s a good thing, I think. Sometimes I’m afraid I come across as just plain self-absorbed, but I figure it doesn’t hurt anything to be constantly examining my own actions and motivations. Anyway, it’s preferable to being completely oblivious and incurious about all the WHY DAMMITS? Heh.

      I ran long. Hope you get it. Think you probably do.

      • Amanda Chatel

        Not to sound stalkery back, but I think I love you. Thank you so much for the compliments!

        Honestly, I’m a really shitty fiction writer, so I can only write what I know. And as I’m sure I’ve said a million times before, if even one person relates to what I’ve written, then I know I’ve done my job.

        I also firmly believe, to quote my love Fitzgerald, “What people are ashamed of usually makes a good story.” I’m not saying I’m ashamed per se, but I am saying I do stumble quite frequently, and I’m not afraid to share it because it does make for interesting writing.

        PS. Your comment totally made me get teary eyed! Damn you!

      • Jen

        Well, now we’re even. You made me cry twice this week. Ha.

    • holleeta

      This dude sounds so self-righteous. Who the fuck is he to say what you SHOULD want based on your age? That is all relative to societal norms. He is in no place to judge being as he agreed to party with you and he agreed to fuck you. Please avoid this dude in the future.

    • Natalie

      My econ professor randomly asked the class if there was anyone who didn’t want to settle down and have children (completely relevant to microeconomics, clearly). A handful of guys and myself raised our hands and he was stunned that a girl (gasp!) didn’t want to find a husband and have children. Of course, bemused interrogations for the guys that raised their hands. Mind you, I graduated from college a month ago, not in the 50′s.
      Really wanted to tell him to fuck off but there was still a month left in the quarter, ugh.