I’m Team Tom Cruise

Why? He’d found his calling. It was a phone calling, from Uncle Sam, who was like, “Hey Tom,” and then, I don’t know, I wasn’t there. That’s right, Tom decided to serve his country. Frankly, that alone is enough to earn my respect.

Have you ever served? It’s not all shooting and getting shot and clutching the dying like the movies tell you, no sir. Often it’s day after day of sensual showers, slow shirt-buttoning at dusk in front of a just off camera fan, and volleyball. Mainly it’s projecting watered down toughness twenty-four-seven from behind a mirrored pair of Ray-Bans. The end result? He kept this country safe from Val Kilmer for ninety minutes, which is eleven more minutes than anyone else ever has. Then his buddy Goose died. He loved Goose and it made him quit the military, but not before he went to law court and had to yell fight with Col. Jack Nicholson. Yup, the same Jack Nicholson who eats lunches on a wall and handles the truth so easily you’d think they were lies.

I can hear you non-believers snickering “Well, it’s not like he also found the time to become a champion race car driver!” Boy, are you about to feel like an idiot, because that’s exactly what he did. In fact, according to Drivercar legend Rowdy Burns, “He could’ve been the best, damn it!”

Then he fought aliens. Yes, the outer space kind. And… hung around a football guy? And also he did some kind of missions? I don’t know, a buddy told me about that stuff. I didn’t look at it with my own eyeballs so it’s tough for me to vouch for it. The point is, even with only what I could verify, Tom Cruise done enough.

The man is a legend and an icon and beyond reproach. I bet you can’t even pour a drink that’s average amounts of sexy, never mind one sexy enough to turn a four hundred year old lady mummy into a Swamp Thing, with enough left over to jump start a stalled car. How dare you besmirch a man capable of such heights?

To sum up: Team Cruise

Kevin Seccia is a writer and stand-up comedian who wrote the book Punching Tom Hanks. You can reach him on twitter, here.

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