• Mon, Jul 9 2012

Fashion Tips From Tom Cruise: Flaunt And Gawk In Your G-String As Much As Possible

As the marriage of Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise comes crashing down, there will be many (and I mean many) rumors that will follow. Some won’t be rumors at all and actual fact, while others will be straight up lies. There will also be those in between that probably straddle the line of fact and fiction, but since we’re talking Crazy Pants Cruise, it might be more fun to believe EVERYTHING.

There’s one area of Cruise’s life that is absolute fact and we know this to be fact, because it is just, er, fact: his impeccable taste in fashionable shoes. The man can pull off a pair of platform white sneakers like it’s nobody’s business. Look around at the people in your life right this second — could they so eloquently rock that look with such subtle sophistication? No.

One would think that being so fashionably skilled in one area would leave him empty in others, but this is not quite true. Former roomie and mentor of Mr. Cruise, Eileen Berlin, is now delighting us all with a vision burned upon our brains of an 18-year-old Tommy Boy, strutting around in “nothing but a flimsy G-string” while admiring his striking physique. I had no idea there were varying types of “flimsy” when it came to G-strings, but I’m glad I know now for my Christmas list this year.

But why is this weird? If you’re going to admire yourself, really admire every square inch of your body, it is of the utmost importance to wear as little as possible. This shouldn’t be regarded as strange; it should be regarded as logic and we all know that Cruise is all about being logical. A G-string allows for maximum viewing — hence the reason it is a standard uniform for exotic dancers. There really should be no shock or confusion by this, even if it was done all the time in front of Berlin and her husband. Cruise knew he had the goods and like any male peacock impressed by his own colors, wanted to flaunt and gawk.

Besides, has she not seen American Psycho? Patrick Bateman admires his gorgeous biceps while naked and fucking women! The man is a genius! He knows how it’s done! He doesn’t waste his time with some fancy, hot pink G-string that he picked up around the corner; he leaves that shit for amateurs like you, me, Tom Cruise and everyone else! We can’t even take fashion tips from Patrick Bateman because we’re not worthy of such utter logic!

Instead, us plebes, must settle for the inspiration that can only come from Maverick himself. The world can be really unfair and twisted sometimes, but somewhere in there a lesson is always learned: Tom Cruise really likes being Tom Cruise.

 

Photo: Wenn.com

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