Why You Should Never Check Your Significant Other’s Email Or Phone Records

Jamie Oliver and WifeReason number one, because it will guarantee that you soon qualify for “crazy ex” status.

Before we get to reason number two, I’ll explain what prompted me here though. Jamie Oliver‘s wife, whose name I can’t remember after reading it a couple seconds ago, made a public statement about spying on her husband. She boasted, ”Yeah, I’ll check his email. I’ll check his Twitter. I’ll check his phone. Everything seems fine. He says I’m a jealous girl, but I think I’m fairly laid-back, considering.” Considering what, Mrs. No-More-Fun-Food-For-Kids Lady?

That wasn’t fair. I really appreciate Oliver’s work to fight against childhood obesity.

But back to the point, I think both the Mr. and Mrs. here are off the mark. Checking all of your husband’s social connections is not laid back. But it’s also doesn’t seem like jealousy. It seems like some extreme insecurity.

The typical jealousy in a relationship occurs when one partner doesn’t want to share their significant other with anyone else, even on a small, platonic level. It happens when partners feel like they own one another, and therefore get paranoid or angry whenever another party gets involved.

But checking all of your spouses contacts to make sure everything is okay doesn’t just sound like jealousy to me. It sounds like a woman who is insecure in her relationship. If that “considering” remark at the end of her statement was meant to be “considering that he cheated,” or “considering that he’s in the public eye,” or “considering that he’s away from home a lot,” those are all reasons that could make Mrs. Oliver insecure about her husband’s commitment.

And those are things that a couple needs to work on, because insecurity is really detrimental to a healthy relationship. Not personal insecurity, we all have some of that and hopefully our partners can help us with it. But the idea that you can’t trust your partner and trust their commitment to you is a really scary one.

I’m married. I’m not saying that to somehow prove that I know more about committed relationships than others because I threw a party in a pretty white dress. I’m just saying, I’m in a committed relationship with somehow who I vow to love and care for until I die. To me, that vow is a reason to trust my relationship. Call me old-fashioned if you would like.

But I think that every couple needs to find a way to establish that trust and security, whether it’s through a traditional marriage, a verbal commitment or any other mutual understanding. We need a way to define our relationships and give both partners peace of mind if we really want them to last for a while.

I know that plenty of people will say that my trust nonsense doesn’t deal with reality. It doesn’t acknowledge the fact that over half of marriages end in divorce and an even higher, amazingly depressing percentage of people cheat on their partners.

I say, I know that those statistics exist. I simply choose not to let them bring doubt and insecurity into my relationship. My husband and I decided that we didn’t want to be those statistics and we made a promise to each other that we would always work to be on the other side of them. To prove that it’s possible to be happy and committed and secure.

A relationship where you feel nervous and unsure as to whether your partner is lying to you, or cheating on you, doesn’t seem like a relationship worth having. If I had to check my husband’s email and social media accounts, that would be indicative of a problem to me. That would be something that my husband and I would need to sit down, as a couple, and work through until I felt secure again. It definitely wouldn’t be something I would brag about to my friends. Or the press.

Snooping through your partner’s phone isn’t the problem, but it is indicative of a larger issue. And if you’re feeling that insecure at your relationship, you need to be looking into more than the browsing history.

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    • Lo

      I’m glad to see stuff like this here, because it baffles me how snooping is so widely accepted.

      Snooping into private space makes you a creepy little shit. Couples ‘checking up on’ each others’ locked accounts; parents covertly installing software that reports kids’ internet activity; the whole ‘if you have nothing to hide, why would you mind?’ culture. All of it.

      There are far bigger problems here than being insecure about our relationships. There’s basic human decency, to start.

    • Ella Jane

      Or maybe it’s just what works for them? I’m signed into my gmail and my husband’s gmail simultaneously – as is he. We know each other’s facebook passwords. That’s something that works really well for us. Who’s to say what other couples should/shouldn’t do besides what works for them?

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Adeline-Letour/100003406140593 Adeline Letour

      You need to break someone’s password because you dont have trust?
      We are here for you!!
      You just have to sayand we Will do all the work.
      I am waiting to help you!!

    • mrcanada976

      My now ex was obsessed with checking my internet history. For the first 3 years I didnt bother changing the passwords. When she started grilling me about google searches I had made or raunchy porn I was watching at 4am while alone on my boat I had had enough and changed everything to a 32 character hex randomized passcode. She went ballistic. It wasnt that I had anything really to hide that bothered me about her going through my passcodes, it was that she wasnt just accidentally finding things she was deep digging through deleted items, search history, going through my phone, and grilling me about things she should have never known. I mean if she caught me flirting or sexting some other girl she’d have every right to throw it in my face – but google searches and porn? Obviously if I was watching porn at 4am alone on my boat I was taking matters into my own hands rather than cheating.

      Now I have a no snooping policy with girls. I wont reveal my passcodes and I wont check their crap either. If I feel the need to check their things then they can pack up their things and leave. There’s always more fish in the sea.