You know when I read a lot of horoscopes? When my relationships are going terribly.
Really, whenever I feel like I am about to break-up with someone – I am borderline incapable of breaking up with people because it would be a testament to my inability to ‘make it work’ (Tim Gun lives inside my hair and repeats his catchphrase in a way that’s downright incessant) – I really just want to sit around and read horoscopes. All the horoscopes, everywhere.
It’s great. God, horoscopes give you a feeling of order in the universe. When something difficult that I do not have the ability to correct is going on, I don’t want to say it’s because of a lot of issues, some of which relate to me, some of which I have nothing to do with, and therefore cannot alter. No. What I want to do is say it is because mercury is in retrograde.
Here is how the dictionary defines Mercury: the smallest planet and the nearest to the sun. Here is how I think of mercury: a tiny angry planet with a weird face that is sad, and sort of pinched, that periodically says things like “let’s go fuck up Jen’s life” as though it was a cartoon character, but the angriest cartoon character. A cartoon character role model for sociopath children and internet commenters. This strikes me as 100% accurate in a way that, if you showed me a picture of Mercury without an angry personified face, I would tell you that you had doctored the photos.
Though only when I am going through stressful periods. In non-stressed out periods I am usually not an insane conspiracy theorist.
What’s nice about horoscopes during this period is that they gives you a sort of time limit on suffering. In the same way, you can keep exercising when you tell yourself it’s only for, say, 10 miles, not “an unlimited unforseeable amount of miles.” Mercury will be in retrograde for three weeks. You can wait out three weeks.
Eventually things do get better, but, of course, it has nothing to do with mercury being in or out of retrograde. Things get better because things get better, or they get worse because things get worse. That’s the nature of the universe. Some proofs of omniscience are inevitable.