I mean, white is a nice color. I have no problem with other people’s white dresses. I’m just saying that other colors are also allowed, and that places that sell dresses often sell the same dress in various colors — the blue one is $500, and the white one is $1,500. That’s a scam!
I also think that once you’ve reached the stage of adulthood that you are paying for half of your own wedding, what’s the point of walking down the aisle in a garment designed to be a symbol of virginity and innocence? Not only has that ship long since fucking sailed, it’s kind of like not taking credit for your own hard-won adulthood. I wouldn’t write a book and then come to my own book party dressed for the first day of middle school.
I’d rather get married dressed like Marlene Dietrich than some teenage girl with a blue-ribbon hymen.
Hardly anyone (and no one in New York) is a virgin when they get married. “Wedding night” jokes just make you sound like someone’s creepy old uncle in 1975.
If couples that have been having sex with each other for years are planning some special wedding-night hijinks, do you really want to think about it? If the bride and groom have been living together since 2010, what on earth could they have been saving for their special night? Nothing that needs to be even remotely hinted at during the one awkward event of your whole life wherein your Glenn-Beck-loving relatives question your best friend about whether all her tattoos are going to keep her from finding a nice husband.
Speaking of which: Call me a prude, but I think the whole erstwhile tradition of losing your virginity on your wedding night is supremely creepy. Your dad should not be sitting around at 11pm after your wedding, having a drink, thinking, “My daughter is finally getting some penis.”
Losing your virginity should be one of those things where, when you’re 13, your parents assume it hasn’t happened yet, and when you’re 25, they assume it has, and in between you just don’t try to pinpoint the moment of truth. The whole idea of gathering all your friends and family in one place and then losing your virginity that very night strongly violates my incest taboo. Remember when Joe Simpson told the whole world that his daughter Jessica was a virgin bride? (It’s worse: after the wedding, he declared, “We’re celebrating the fact that she can do it till she’s blue in the face.”)
Fortunately, at modern weddings, we can just assume that the couple likes having sex with each other or they wouldn’t be getting married, and that it’s really none of anyone’s business.
So, garter-retrieving: absolutely not. Garter-throwing? Even worse. Besides, it’s not the natural state of things for men to engage in athletic feats to in an attempt to get married as soon as possible. Let’s drop the charade.
More than a couple rounds of choreographed dancing.
Only the bride and groom dance! Okay. Now the bride dances with her dad and the groom with his mom. Er, a bit awkward. (At same-sex marriages, possibly even more confusing.) Now only the wedding party dances!
If I were a country star, I would absolutely record yet another creepy, drawly song about “daddy’s little girl,” knowing that it would get play at weddings until the end of time.
The postal service needs no part of this. There will be no Love stamps. There will be no reply cards. I absolutely refuse to deal with printers in person or over the phone, much the same way that every time someone requests a fax, I scan the document and email it back to them, apologizing that, because I am only 33, I have never used a fax machine.
You can do online invitations, with RSVP-tracking, at Greenvelope or Modern Day Invite. If we’ve been able to buy, sell, and scalp Rangers tickets online since around 1997, there’s no reason the Internet should not be able to keep track of whose cousin needs a vegetarian meal.
Real Simple actually lists “hire a calligrapher” as a to-do item! Must I also hire a glass-blower in a three-cornered hat? Does anyone want to work the butter churn?