You guys, I have a confession to make: I don’t find Sarah Silverman all that funny anymore. Sure, I enjoyed getting stoned and watching Jesus Is Magic when it came out in theaters, but since then I’ve found her to be a bit of a one-trick pony whose whole schtick is “cute, faux-naive woman-child says ridiculously dirty things in a cute voice, P.S. I’M JEWISH!” I realize this is not a terribly uncommon opinion to hold.
However, I couldn’t help smiling a little when I saw her “indecent proposal” video for Sheldon Adelson in which she offers to scissor him if he gives $100 billion to Barack Obama instead of Mitt Romney, because:
1.) Republicans pretend not to know what scissoring is, but they totally do. In fact, it might be the only thing they know about lesbians.
2.) Sarah attempts to demonstrate the sexual act in question on her poor, put upon chihuahua, Doug.
3.) It slyly calls attention to the amount of support Mitt Romney is receiving from billionaires. (Granted, wealthy people give lots of money to Obama, too.)
4.) It demonstrates that Sarah Silverman cares sincerely about something besides poop and abortion jokes.
5.) “TRADITIONAL LESBIAN SEX!!!”
I will argue her on one point, though, and that point is this: when she asks “how many [billionaires] are getting scissored by a bikini bottomed Jewess with big naturals?”, I’m pretty sure the answer is “all the ones who want to.” As priceless an experience as I’m sure that is, it doesn’t even approach the boundaries of what you can buy in America. Especially in Adelson’s native Las Vegas, if the sexy business cards that flood that town’s streets like confetti are to be believed. On a related note, I am currently accepting scissoring-related indecent proposals to benefit the Jamie Peck Early Retirement On A Boat Fund.