• Thu, Jul 26 2012

Illustrated Guide: How To Hide Your Infidelity (So You Don’t Have To Apologize Like Kristen Stewart)

Yesterday, the western world was devastated to learn that Kristen Stewart cheated on Robert Pattinson–her boyfriend of three years and Twilight co-star–with Rupert Sanders, the married director of her star vehicle, Snow White and the Huntsman. No matter what we do moving forward, unfortunately we can never go back to the time of perfect innocence before. However, we can become better… by which I mean, we can cheat without getting caught. Or, if we do get caught, we will find a good alternative to “offering a heartfelt apology.” Today’s Illustrated Guide will teach you how to cover up your infidelity with style and verve.

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  • Maggie

    Priceless! Good job, Ashley. The last slide made me laugh out loud.

  • Darnell

    One of the best ones in a while.

  • Daiya

    Cheating happens for a lot more reasons than just people being “assholes.” Maybe you shouldn’t judge everyone all the time.

    • Katrina

      No. I cheated once. It definitely made me an asshole. That’s why I stopped. No one likes an asshole. Don’t be an asshole.

    • Kj

      Are you kidding, Daiya? People only ever cheat because they are selfish attention whores who only ever think about themselves and their own needs and they deserve to be shunned like the subhumans they are. Clearly assholes.

      /snark

    • Blake

      Actually, I don’t think it’s that controversial to suggest that all cheaters are assholes.

      If you can, though, Kj, I’d love to hear you describe a situation in which someone cheating would be a really great person.

    • JenniWren

      Well, I agree with you in that good people can make mistakes. And sometimes people cheat because they’re unhappy. But cheating isn’t the way to deal with that and it’s never excusable. I don’t think cheating means that you’re an asshole forever or that you’re beyond redemption or anything like that, but it’s a pretty shitty thing to do.

      Blake, what if the person who cheated was in an abusive relationship? What if their spouse was cheating on them? What if they’re a charity-marathon running volunteer animal surgeon who got too drunk at the office Christmas party? People are complicated. Relationships are complicated. Really, it’s best if we all just mind our own business.

    • bean

      I think there’s a difference between being “subhuman” and being an “asshole.”

      Cheating makes you an asshole.

    • Blake

      “Blake, what if the person who cheated was in an abusive relationship? What if their spouse was cheating on them? What if they’re a charity-marathon running volunteer animal surgeon who got too drunk at the office Christmas party? People are complicated. Relationships are complicated. Really, it’s best if we all just mind our own business.”

      Well, “two wrongs” and all.

      As for the charity runner, I don’t think all the animal surgeries in the world make a fuck of a difference to the person who’s heart gets broken.

  • http://www.facebook.com/lindsaychartman Lindsay Cross

    The toenails… Really Ashley! Were those toenails necessary? I can’t eat lunch now.

  • Lisa

    ONLY FOUR TOENAILS PER NAIL WHAT!

  • Jamie Peck

    I think this was one of your best weird comics yet! Also, it reminded me I need to cut my toenails, because I plan to leave my blogging cave this weekend and I might scare some children if I don’t.

  • Sarah

    “have sex with EVERYONE, so your infidelity is covered by an outrageous blanket of transgression”

    haaahahahah so excellent, this series as a whole is great

  • Glenn

    Of course, the last slide is the less flippant. When we cheat others, we cheat ourselves, because as a ‘cheater’ we deny ourselves the honesty and truth of the trust we ask from those on whom we cheat. Could there be anything more dishonest and galling than to continually expect trust from someone you betray?

    It doesn’t matter if your Rupert Sanders or Kristen Stewart, lovers have been cheating on lovers throughout our species’ history, and no doubt it will continue on and on and on, ad nauseam. Some behaviourists and sexologists would have you believe that it is all down to DNA programming and animal instinct, but if that is true, are we to accept that we are nothing more than animal automatons, and to disavow our higher mental functioning that make us less animal and more human? For such questions, the argument will rage on.

    Once discovered, sexual cheating attacks the very meaning of personhood of the one sexually betrayed. It shatters their loving trust into pieces, and it continually confounds, confuses and bewilders, sending their emotions into a vertiginous freefall, where in many instances, it has led to crimes of passion, and suicidal acts. Clearly then, it is not a subject which can be made light of.

    Pattinson has the easier (but no less meaningful to him) option to rebut Stewart’s cheating with Sanders, he simply moves on should he decide that is what is best, but for Ross, Sanders cheating with Stewart is the more serious and devastating, because Sanders has brought near-destruction upon the family unit. Should Ross stay with Sanders for the sake of the family? This is a decision she has to make not only as a mother, but as estranged lover and partner to Sanders. I don’t envy her in the slightest.

    If we all want our love relationships to be sanctuaries for our hearts and minds and happiness, then the act of cheating has to be vilified, it has to be condemned, it has to be seen as destructive. Both Sanders and Stewart may genuinely feel contrite and humble, but it is Ross and Pattinson whom will decide the worthiness of staying in a relationship with them.