To Scream Or Not To Scream During Sex, That Is The Question

The following is an actual email I got last night from a friend:

Amanda, apparently I am too quiet in bed and Frenchie feels like he’s incapable of giving me pleasure. Which isn’t the case. I’m just quiet, and try to let my body do the talking.

That said, I realize that men do need some kind of vocal affirmation.

Will you PLEASE send me some lines that you have used that have worked for you in the past ASAP?!

I’m not sure why C chose me out of her friends to send this to, but she did, so I responded honestly. I’m not a talker in bed, nor am I a screamer like out of a porn flick, but if something feels good, I say so. If something doesn’t feel good, I say that as well. As I’m about to orgasm and during orgasm, there is definitely some heavy breathing and moaning to a degree, but that just automatically comes with the territory of achieving such a phenomenal feeling. It’s not done for show, because as C pointed out, I, too, let my body do the talking. Any man who knows anything about how a woman’s body works, should probably be able to detect when she’s having an orgasm considering the rapid rate at which our inner muscles down there tighten and release, so I’m not sure why Frenchie is having an issue. He’s French! They created the French kiss! The dude should know what’s up!

Unlike C, I have never been questioned as to whether or not I’ve been enjoying myself during sex by my partner in the moment, nor was it brought up later. All I can assume is that he didn’t care (which is likely), or my lack of screaming or giving a play-by-play of what feels great, isn’t diminishing the confidence of whomever I happen to be fucking. But apparently that isn’t the case for everyone, and I will spend my afternoon on the phone with C, giving her pointers on how to “fix” this “issue,” although I’m sure there are far better people to do the mending required.


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    • JenniWren

      I’ve been told that I am if anything too loud. This used to be a problem because my partner and I lived in shared accommodation and I was making him self-conscious, so I had to try and tone it down a little. Now we live by ourselves, so I can be as vocal as I want!

    • May

      God, I love being loud. I don’t care if my neighbors know I’m having sex. YES YES YES!!!

    • Fabel

      I make noise not only for his sake, but for mine as well? I don’t know, it turns me on to moan/talk/whatever & I’d feel weird NOT giving any vocal encouragement. I like getting it back as well though, so I get where Frenchie’s coming from.

    • Lastango

      Making some noise can be good. For instance, if a guy isn’t getting feedback whe he’s giving oral sex he has a hard time telling if he’s doing the right things at the right time. “Am I in the right spot? Is she getting close so it’s time to change pressure and speed?” He’s not a mind-reader. If she doesn’t tell him, or give him some other signal she might be settling for an “ok” experience when something much more satifsying is possible. Also, giving oral sex can be tiring for men. Yes, their tongues get sore. If he knows she’s not close he can pace himself, and if she’s getting there he’ll keep going long enough for her to climax.

      Let’s drop back for a moment to this post, about women not liking oral sex:

      A lot of the dissatisfaction centered on the woman not getting pleasure from the act. I suspect that often comes from no communication. If a couple talks about it, patiently experiments with different approaches, and it still doesn’t work, then accept that and find other ways to have good sex. But communicate about, too… just about any sex can benefit from letting your partner know when it’s working for you.

    • Renee

      I do prefer to be quiet, cause you know, I’m concentrating on the feeling, and not really able to make coherent thought sentences. But I do recognize the need to encourage my partner, so I add in a few simple phrases, mmmming, and an orgasm proclamation. Sometimes I throw in a little dirty talk to help keep the energy up, but that’s it. I don’t really understand screaming. Does anyone actually scream, like top of their lungs scream, during sex/orgasm. That would be so distracting for me!

    • Lo

      For me, volume depends on what we’re doing. If I’m suspended from the ceiling and my significant other is slapping me with a frozen salmon, I’ll be very vocal (especially if he nicks me with the tail). If, on the other hand, we’re doing it inside the pantomime goose costume, I’m all “Of course I’m quiet! I’m concentrating, and we shouldn’t really be in the playground after dark!”

      Never fake, though. It interferes with the development of communication skills, just like the ninja face mask I sometimes like to wear.

      • Lastango

        Awsome! Now I know why I scream when you have sex!

    • Mike Akuma Elle

      Love making is like comunication. If screaming (feedback) is lacking then comunication is not complete.

    • ErikkaT

      I dated a guy that wanted me to talk dirty like a polrn star, and I couldn’t do it.
      (F–K me HARD!) You know, the nasty stuff.
      I’m not like that.
      If the man was paying attention, he would know if I was enjoying myself…

    • Bernard G

      From a guys point of vue, like most things in life it depends. Not all sex is the same.