• Fri, Jul 27 2012

I Made A Sex Tape

We started things off with a nice blowjob, although my technique at the time left something to be desired. Then he went down on me for a while while I made lots of high pitched, too-awful-to-be-fake noises. (I think he studied eating pussy in lieu of going to college.) Then we had sex in a position that was designed to show up on camera, but which was actually fairly awkward; I was sort of turned on my side with one leg in the air, and he was doing me from the side/back. This lasted about…ten minutes, maybe?

I don’t remember how the sex tape ended (regrettably, it’s not in my possession), but I’m guessing everyone came. I might even have come twice! He was good like that. What I do remember, though, is watching the tape afterwards and being kind of disgusted by it.

I didn’t mind looking at myself, because I was 18 and looked objectively good naked, despite having a nasty sunburn covering much of my body. But the close-up shots of genitals—our genitals!—looked like something from another planet. So squishy and moist, and strangely clinical. How could something that had seemed so fucking hot in the moment suddenly resemble a sci-fi movie? Also, I was terrible at blowjobs. Like, “tentatively tasting a dick flavored lollipop” terrible. A few years later, when I saw that scene in Brown Bunny where Chloe Sevigny does a similar type of thing to Vincent Gallo, a shiver of recognition passed down my spine.

As tempting as it is to regard pornography as a base activity requiring no talent, this experience taught me that you really do need to know what you’re doing in order to make an appealing sex tape. The pros make it look easy, but that’s what makes them pros. You might watch Michael Jordan playing basketball and think “hey, I could do that!” even though you know you really couldn’t; so too with porn stars, only people don’t seem to realize the second part.

And yes, I realized almost as soon as I’d done it that it was very stupid of me to allow such a thing to exist in the world at all, let alone in someone else’s possession, but by that point I’d gone away to college and broken up with him, and it didn’t seem worth the emotional hassle. And anyway, he’s not the kind of guy who’d release our sex tape for everyone to see. He’s way too nice a person to do that. But I’m still not going to get famous, just in case.

Photo: LastNightsParty

 

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  • Jaclyn

    Doesn’t everyone do this at some point in their teens or early 20s? I didn’t actually enlist a videographer, so the angles are certainly less graphic, but, yeah, I’m pretty sure everyone did this.

    • mish

      Really? Who are all these people who made sex tapes and/or took naked photos of themselves that mistaken got shared around?

      If you don’t want people to see you naked/having sex don’t film yourself nude/having sex? Seems pretty basic. Am I the only person who does not have the urge to do this?

    • Ally

      I’m one of these people with the curiosity of making a sex tape. We also never got someone to film it but maaaybe in the future? I don’t know, I’m curious to see how it looks although Jamie, you kinda scared me because I may also realize genitals look alieny. I hope not!

    • Sam

      I know I did! But I only uploaded it to my computer and then deleted it right after…but I’m still always afraid my ex somehow has a copy, haha.

    • Fabel

      Yeah, I did this as well (multiple times) & so has everybody else I know? Pretty sure mine is on hard drive somewhere. Also to mish–people who do this don’t always have it scandalously get shared around! So…don’t…worry? (not sure what I’m trying to say, here)

    • slappy

      so why oh why is kim kardashian so popular??? she has NO talent (except for her tape)

  • Jessica P. Ogilvie

    This post cracked me up. Well played, Peck.

  • Formerly Known As

    Didn’t make one, but only ’cause it was the 80s and the pre-digital age. We did take some nude photos with a Polaroid camera my sweetie (currently known as my husband) bought at a yard sale circa 1986.

    Over 25 years later, I am so happy to look at those pics and see how incredibly hot we were! Wow.

    Nice thing about still photos is they can be so artfully posed….sex tapes, not so much!