• Thu, Aug 2 2012

My Married Ex Is Trying To Engage Me In An Affair

For the past few weeks, I’ve been getting texts from a guy I dated briefly in college. Not the one who recently got hitched, but someone whom I dated off and on toward the end of college then the following years somewhat casually. This particular fella actually ended our “non-existent” relationship via texts a couple years ago.

Since long before “Danny” got married he has pursued me. It comes and goes in waves, like any disease that can only be dormant for so long, and just when I think he’s gone for good, he pops back up. Unfortunately, there is no antibiotic to take to keep Danny away forever. When he does make an appearance in my life, it’s always done in this dramatic display that you wish the love of your life would have done instead of letting you go, but they never did and you have a disease named Danny making the grand gesture instead. I used to find charm and mild excitement in it, but now I’m just sad for him. Actually, mostly I’m sad for his wife, because I can’t imagine I’m the only one from his past he may be trying to contact. But as I stated in my “Dating Hijinks” about him, I truly believed that day when he “dumped” me, he was gone for all eternity! But like any proper disease with residual effects, he has come back for more.

When the texts started around the beginning of July, I immediately knew from where they were coming. Although I had deleted him as a contact long ago, his number, because of all its sixes, is pretty hard not to recognize. I did respond initially to ask how he got my new number — I changed it this past February — to which he answered: “How do you think?” I sent a mass email to all our friends we have in common trying to figure out who had spilled the beans about my new digits, but no one came forward.

During his first evening of texts that soon spiraled from “How are you?” to “I’m so hard for you right now,” I assumed he was drunk. So I texted back at one point: “You are drunk.” Because the best way to deal with a drunk person is to point out just how wasted they are. Also, had he forgotten we had “broken up?” Did he not recall the Sunday when he proceeded to send me packing because our “love needed to be left in the winter?”

What followed were more texts assuring me he wasn’t intoxicated, and he was going to march to the bathroom to jerk off while thinking about me. Considering the rampant misspellings, I still stand by the fact that he was drunk. I didn’t want to play his game, so I figured my two texts that, in my opinion offered zero interest in him, would send him on his way — they did, but only for a couple days. If only I had a penny for every time he’s texted me to tell me he was “hard” (apparently, his extent of dirty talk is limited), I would be a very rich girl. According to his incessant texts, he’s been “hard” about 20 hours a day and is jerking off in bathrooms all over the state in which he lives. Good for him!

So the texts are coming in several times a day, and I’m deleting one after the other like a responsible person who doesn’t give a fuck about his need for attention, when they go from mere words to dick shots — yet again, like the good old days when I still didn’t care to see them. These pictures are intermittent with exactly where he’d like to put that cock of his, and let me tell you, not a single orifice was overlooked in his quest to turn me on — at least I think that’s what he was trying to do.

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  • Leila

    It doesn’t seem like you’re too bothered about this, but isn’t this technically sexual harassment? I mean, if you really want him to stop, can’t you threaten legal action? That sounds totally harsh and overly-litigious, I know, but this guy needs to think about the consequences of his actions, seriously. Some other girl might get these texts and freak out. Not to mention that if he’s threatened with something serious, he might rethink how much this hurts his wife, if he even cares about her anymore.

    Also, you really shouldn’t have to deal with this, even intermittently.

    • Ella Jane

      You’re right – this is sexual harassment and also stalking. Found out her phone number in a nefarious way? Did not respond to repeated requests to cut off contact? Check and check.

      Call the cops. You don’t know how many other women he’s doing this to, or what it could escalate to. I know it seems funny and pathetic now, but take it from me, when he’s showing up at your apartment and at your work, it won’t be funny anymore.

  • Meagan S

    He is definitely harassing you. Next time this happens, you might be with a guy that you like who then thinks you are cheating on him with your ex. I would compile some of the pictures and voicemail and send them to his wife.

  • Boston

    Dude, block his number. It’s easy and free, at least for Verizon, and you must have thought of it.

    It’s totally okay to not block his number because he’s making an interesting story that you can write about, but you might as well acknowledge that. If you wanted it to stop, you could make that happen.

  • Pam

    You could have his number blocked. It costs about $5, but to remove this person permently might be worth it. Good luck.

  • Fabel

    I think ignoring it is really your best bet– if it happens again, maybe ignoring at the onset will prevent him escalating from “how are you” to “don’t you want this hard cock?” with picture attachments.

    • Fabel

      Or, apparently you can block his number!

  • Lastango

    Totally agree. This guy is toxic and unstable. He’s going to take any communication from you as encouragement.

    IMO one of two things happen to people like that: they hit rock bottom and reform, or they die before 50. But even if they reform, that often means they stop the downward slide; it doesn’t mean they then have productive lives or become good partners.

  • NotAmused

    You obviously enjoy all this drama, or you would have blocked his number or changed yours by now. You’re just encouraging him by not telling him to f*ck off.

  • Colleen

    I’ve been stalked. It always starts out as something like that – innocent texts, then not so innocent texts, then suddenly showing up at every single bar you and your friends try to find refuge in from said ex.

    Screenshot all messages. Save all voicemails. Take them to the police and slap a restraining order on that fucker, ASAP.

  • Amanda Chatel

    Honestly, I think he’s having an early mid-life crisis and just needs to get it out of system. But I did block his number this morning. As for blocking emails — although he’s yet to send any — I’ll do that if need be. It’s just sad that he’s acting this way… that’s the big issue here.

    • Maggie

      I feel bad for you having to deal with such a psycho, and I also feel really bad for his wife. You’re probably not the only woman he’s harassing, and his wife is probably suspicious anyway. Have you thought about telling her?

  • Renee

    This sounds totally annoying, and also makes me feel bad for his wife… but at the same time, well.

    I guess I am an asshole, cause this would kind of be like an ego boost, for me, if someone kept messaging me like this. But probably only for an hour or so, then it would segue into annoying and somewhat scary.

    So do you ever feel that way? Flattered by the attention?

    • Amanda Chatel

      It was flattering the first few times, but it’s been going on randomly since college… I’ve been out of college for about a decade! This time he seemed a bit too, um, “obsessive,” I guess is the word.

  • Liz G

    Dear AnnoyingDude:
    This is sexual harassment. If you keep sending me shit, I will save it up and take it either to the cops or your wife. Yes, really. Don’t try me.
    It’s over,
    A.C.

  • Gab

    Doesn’t your fancy smart phone have a “Block number” feature? My old ass dumb phone does. Otherwise I agree with Boston, if you want to use him as fodder for a story about some poor schmuck who still pines for you then at least admit it. I love your writing and I always root for you, but it seems like you’re getting off on the attention and being “bothered” by it. Why don’t you save his wife the humiliation of figuring out it’s him you are writing about and block him or forward her husband’s dick pics to her and ask her to have a chat with him.

    • Amanda Chatel

      Actually, I’m quite certain the wife doesn’t even remember my name, nor would she be interested in reading anything I might write even if she did recall my name. Also, I have many married exes… so there.

      As usual, I wrote this in case anyone else could relate to a similar situation — that’s why I always put myself out there. I’m hardly “getting off” on it. He’s not worth “getting off” over…

    • Tobi

      I’m not aware of any of my phones having that feature.

      *runs off to find ‘block number’ feature*

  • Leila

    This does bring up a good point. When someone’s obviously harassing you for sex and the like, basically cheating with you (albeit without your permission), do you tell the wife? (In addition to blocking the guy and taking legal action as necessary)

    I’m thinking of my best friends ex who she caught sexting after 2 years of otherwise non-dramatic dating. Those girls knew my friend. Did they have any responsibility to tell her, hey, you know, I have this pic of your bf’s dick…

    • Amanda Chatel

      I would never tell her. I don’t even know how to contact her. We met once when they were dating years ago, so I don’t even know her last name — but I know she didn’t take his.

      I also don’t feel like it’s my place to tell her.

  • jane

    Is his name John? Is he a PA state trooper?

    • Amanda Chatel

      I would have to say no– I don’t know any state troopers and only one person in PA. And that one person would be my best friend who lives in Pittsburgh!

  • itsmekt

    I’ve been in that situation but on the end where the wife is. I found out my ex had been doing it to numerous other women. I would have wanted to be told. Even when I found out the girls lied to me about it because they felt guilty about their involvement. Some of them even went so far as to block his number, and still lied to me. I’d tell her. Screen capture some of his texts and send them to her. I dont think that ignorance is bliss.

  • Carly

    Call your phone company and have the number blocked! Seems like kind of a simple solution.

    • Amanda Chatel

      Did that earlier today!

    • Ali

      No can do. I’ve tried that before and they just won’t do it. Even if you were to have a restraining order they can’t block a number. Apparently.

    • Sam

      Some companies will allow you to do that (I blocked a psycho ex-roommate via Verizon) but others won’t. :( It’s unfortunate, because that’s definitely a service all should offer.

    • Amanda Chatel

      For $10 you can block up to 10 lines! I was shocked!

  • Jessica

    Hi Amanda,

    I have a similar situation that I have been dealing with off and on for the last four years. The only difference is that my ex isn’t married. We broke up during my freshmen year of college, and for the last five years he has been trying to contact me through Facebook, texts, calls, email. At first, he would just harass me and tell me how horrible a person I was, but recently he’s switched and tries to tell me that I’m very important to him (blah, blah, blah). I’ve tried telling him point blank that I don’t want anything to do with him, but of course crazy people never listen to reason. Ignoring him and blocking him on Facebook have been my best bets so far. I haven’t heard from him for 9 months now (the longest yet!). I don’t remember his number, otherwise I would get it blocked. If I ever hear from him again I’m definitely getting his number blocked.

  • Amy

    I may have missed it but I didn’t read anywhere in there that you have actually TOLD this guy that you don’t like him, don’t want anything to do with him, find his texts and calls disgusting and abusive and that you want him to stop the behaviour immediately.

    I don’t think ignoring him is enough at this point. If you are concerned, as you have indicated in the article, then first up you need to communicate that to him. If he continues then go to the police. As it stands, it kinda sounds like part of you is enjoying the drama a bit. Which is normal I think – we’re all programmed to enjoy being pursued, but you need to make a decision whether you like this or whether you want it to stop and then act accordingly.

    Quite a few men take no news as good news or as an invitation to try harder. I think you need to shut him down – firmly, and leave no doubt or ambiguity – and see how it goes from there.

  • Amanda Chatel

    To all of those with advice: je t’aime!

    Like I’ve said a millions times before, I’m here as a subject for those who can relate…

    I have blocked his number. But who hasn’t been in this situation? That was my point. There is no drama behind this for me; just a voice to those who have experienced the same thing.

    Your own personal stories and experiences is what makes me keep writing (and reading comments although I keep swearing I never will again.. argh!)

    • Liliana

      This may sound juvenile but technically the situation calls for it: I would pretend to change my number. I was in an extremely similar situation in the beginning of this year and regardless of how much I told him that I had moved on to my bf or the fact that it had been MORE than TWO years and he was MARRIED, he continued. It was SO irritating. I made believe that I had no clue who was texting and when he called, my friend answered and told him wrong number. NEVER AGAIN. =0)

    • L

      ^ awesome solution

  • lucygoosey74

    Yuck, he sounds like a real creep. Good job ignoring him.
    Do guys really think it’s sexy when they have to repeatedly state how hard they are? Arent’ guys pretty much hard all the time? I mean it’s not like it’s a major accomplishment or anything. I’m so glad I don’t have a penis that I have to obsess over all the time.
    I hope his wife realizes what a colossal tool she’s married to.
    And no, I don’t think you should have to go through the hassle of changing your phone number just because this guy is a creep. I’ve dealt with obsessed stalkers before and I’ve found that no reaction is the best reaction.

    • Amanda Chatel

      THANK YOU!

      Your response was what I needed! So many people thought I was all into it and shit… I only wrote about it in case someone else was dealing with the same shit.

      PS. You’re falling in to my “favorite commenter” category, lucygoosey74. xoxo.

  • Jaclyn

    Send him one response- if you can get my number, what makes you think I can’t get your wife’s number? Game over.

  • Jules

    I have a few of these… One was my first love, one is a guy I dumped because I KNEW he would cheat on whoever he married, and one is a musician I used to have romps with in his van when I was a young tramp- he isn’t married, but my van rocking days are over.

  • L

    I relate, although in my case the xbf was just sad (and justifiably – he was a very unhappy person). He once sent me a “happy anniversary” text when we’d been broken up for 8 months.