• Thu, Aug 2 2012

My Married Ex Is Trying To Engage Me In An Affair

Again, I stuck to my guns, not that it was difficult, and ignored him. But then he started calling. At first he didn’t leave messages, but when he finally started to they were long and drawn out about the sound of my voice and the smell of my skin, which you can obviously smell through my voicemail greeting, and how he was going to leave his wife so we could run away together. I can’t say for sure, but I’m almost certain he was even slightly weeping in a few of them, all while swearing he wasn’t drunk, but just missed me. Yeah, sure, sweet cheeks. 

Here I am now with an aching thumb from hitting delete so many times, and eyes that have practically rolled out of my head from popping with disbelief at some of his texts and photos, and I’ve yet to come up with a solution. One would think the silent treatment would work, but we are technically dealing with someone who just might be crazier than me, so perhaps that’s not the best way to handle it. I know that if I were to respond, it would just be opening up a world of drama that I really don’t need in my life right now. I could change my number, but I’ve already done that once in the past six months, and I really don’t want to do that once more.

I’m hoping that, yet again, this is just one of his passing phases and a desperate need to be entertained by the thoughts of something or someone outside of his everyday life. But honestly, I think if I told him to come to New York City, he’d be here in a heartbeat. Granted, he’d probably be drunk when he left and sober enough when he arrived to know enough to go back home, but that’s not going to help anyone — especially his wife. In the meantime, although the incoming texts have dwindled a wee bit, I’ll just continue working my thumb muscles on that delete button. I’m going to kick everyone’s ass in a thumb war by mid-August.

 

Photo: Shannonblue

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  • Leila

    It doesn’t seem like you’re too bothered about this, but isn’t this technically sexual harassment? I mean, if you really want him to stop, can’t you threaten legal action? That sounds totally harsh and overly-litigious, I know, but this guy needs to think about the consequences of his actions, seriously. Some other girl might get these texts and freak out. Not to mention that if he’s threatened with something serious, he might rethink how much this hurts his wife, if he even cares about her anymore.

    Also, you really shouldn’t have to deal with this, even intermittently.

    • Ella Jane

      You’re right – this is sexual harassment and also stalking. Found out her phone number in a nefarious way? Did not respond to repeated requests to cut off contact? Check and check.

      Call the cops. You don’t know how many other women he’s doing this to, or what it could escalate to. I know it seems funny and pathetic now, but take it from me, when he’s showing up at your apartment and at your work, it won’t be funny anymore.

  • Meagan S

    He is definitely harassing you. Next time this happens, you might be with a guy that you like who then thinks you are cheating on him with your ex. I would compile some of the pictures and voicemail and send them to his wife.

  • Boston

    Dude, block his number. It’s easy and free, at least for Verizon, and you must have thought of it.

    It’s totally okay to not block his number because he’s making an interesting story that you can write about, but you might as well acknowledge that. If you wanted it to stop, you could make that happen.

  • Pam

    You could have his number blocked. It costs about $5, but to remove this person permently might be worth it. Good luck.

  • Fabel

    I think ignoring it is really your best bet– if it happens again, maybe ignoring at the onset will prevent him escalating from “how are you” to “don’t you want this hard cock?” with picture attachments.

    • Fabel

      Or, apparently you can block his number!

  • Lastango

    Totally agree. This guy is toxic and unstable. He’s going to take any communication from you as encouragement.

    IMO one of two things happen to people like that: they hit rock bottom and reform, or they die before 50. But even if they reform, that often means they stop the downward slide; it doesn’t mean they then have productive lives or become good partners.

  • NotAmused

    You obviously enjoy all this drama, or you would have blocked his number or changed yours by now. You’re just encouraging him by not telling him to f*ck off.

  • Colleen

    I’ve been stalked. It always starts out as something like that – innocent texts, then not so innocent texts, then suddenly showing up at every single bar you and your friends try to find refuge in from said ex.

    Screenshot all messages. Save all voicemails. Take them to the police and slap a restraining order on that fucker, ASAP.

  • Amanda Chatel

    Honestly, I think he’s having an early mid-life crisis and just needs to get it out of system. But I did block his number this morning. As for blocking emails — although he’s yet to send any — I’ll do that if need be. It’s just sad that he’s acting this way… that’s the big issue here.

    • Maggie

      I feel bad for you having to deal with such a psycho, and I also feel really bad for his wife. You’re probably not the only woman he’s harassing, and his wife is probably suspicious anyway. Have you thought about telling her?

  • Renee

    This sounds totally annoying, and also makes me feel bad for his wife… but at the same time, well.

    I guess I am an asshole, cause this would kind of be like an ego boost, for me, if someone kept messaging me like this. But probably only for an hour or so, then it would segue into annoying and somewhat scary.

    So do you ever feel that way? Flattered by the attention?

    • Amanda Chatel

      It was flattering the first few times, but it’s been going on randomly since college… I’ve been out of college for about a decade! This time he seemed a bit too, um, “obsessive,” I guess is the word.

  • Liz G

    Dear AnnoyingDude:
    This is sexual harassment. If you keep sending me shit, I will save it up and take it either to the cops or your wife. Yes, really. Don’t try me.
    It’s over,
    A.C.

  • Gab

    Doesn’t your fancy smart phone have a “Block number” feature? My old ass dumb phone does. Otherwise I agree with Boston, if you want to use him as fodder for a story about some poor schmuck who still pines for you then at least admit it. I love your writing and I always root for you, but it seems like you’re getting off on the attention and being “bothered” by it. Why don’t you save his wife the humiliation of figuring out it’s him you are writing about and block him or forward her husband’s dick pics to her and ask her to have a chat with him.

    • Amanda Chatel

      Actually, I’m quite certain the wife doesn’t even remember my name, nor would she be interested in reading anything I might write even if she did recall my name. Also, I have many married exes… so there.

      As usual, I wrote this in case anyone else could relate to a similar situation — that’s why I always put myself out there. I’m hardly “getting off” on it. He’s not worth “getting off” over…

    • Tobi

      I’m not aware of any of my phones having that feature.

      *runs off to find ‘block number’ feature*

  • Leila

    This does bring up a good point. When someone’s obviously harassing you for sex and the like, basically cheating with you (albeit without your permission), do you tell the wife? (In addition to blocking the guy and taking legal action as necessary)

    I’m thinking of my best friends ex who she caught sexting after 2 years of otherwise non-dramatic dating. Those girls knew my friend. Did they have any responsibility to tell her, hey, you know, I have this pic of your bf’s dick…

    • Amanda Chatel

      I would never tell her. I don’t even know how to contact her. We met once when they were dating years ago, so I don’t even know her last name — but I know she didn’t take his.

      I also don’t feel like it’s my place to tell her.

  • jane

    Is his name John? Is he a PA state trooper?

    • Amanda Chatel

      I would have to say no– I don’t know any state troopers and only one person in PA. And that one person would be my best friend who lives in Pittsburgh!

  • itsmekt

    I’ve been in that situation but on the end where the wife is. I found out my ex had been doing it to numerous other women. I would have wanted to be told. Even when I found out the girls lied to me about it because they felt guilty about their involvement. Some of them even went so far as to block his number, and still lied to me. I’d tell her. Screen capture some of his texts and send them to her. I dont think that ignorance is bliss.

  • Carly

    Call your phone company and have the number blocked! Seems like kind of a simple solution.

    • Amanda Chatel

      Did that earlier today!

    • Ali

      No can do. I’ve tried that before and they just won’t do it. Even if you were to have a restraining order they can’t block a number. Apparently.

    • Sam

      Some companies will allow you to do that (I blocked a psycho ex-roommate via Verizon) but others won’t. :( It’s unfortunate, because that’s definitely a service all should offer.

    • Amanda Chatel

      For $10 you can block up to 10 lines! I was shocked!

  • Jessica

    Hi Amanda,

    I have a similar situation that I have been dealing with off and on for the last four years. The only difference is that my ex isn’t married. We broke up during my freshmen year of college, and for the last five years he has been trying to contact me through Facebook, texts, calls, email. At first, he would just harass me and tell me how horrible a person I was, but recently he’s switched and tries to tell me that I’m very important to him (blah, blah, blah). I’ve tried telling him point blank that I don’t want anything to do with him, but of course crazy people never listen to reason. Ignoring him and blocking him on Facebook have been my best bets so far. I haven’t heard from him for 9 months now (the longest yet!). I don’t remember his number, otherwise I would get it blocked. If I ever hear from him again I’m definitely getting his number blocked.

  • Amy

    I may have missed it but I didn’t read anywhere in there that you have actually TOLD this guy that you don’t like him, don’t want anything to do with him, find his texts and calls disgusting and abusive and that you want him to stop the behaviour immediately.

    I don’t think ignoring him is enough at this point. If you are concerned, as you have indicated in the article, then first up you need to communicate that to him. If he continues then go to the police. As it stands, it kinda sounds like part of you is enjoying the drama a bit. Which is normal I think – we’re all programmed to enjoy being pursued, but you need to make a decision whether you like this or whether you want it to stop and then act accordingly.

    Quite a few men take no news as good news or as an invitation to try harder. I think you need to shut him down – firmly, and leave no doubt or ambiguity – and see how it goes from there.

  • Amanda Chatel

    To all of those with advice: je t’aime!

    Like I’ve said a millions times before, I’m here as a subject for those who can relate…

    I have blocked his number. But who hasn’t been in this situation? That was my point. There is no drama behind this for me; just a voice to those who have experienced the same thing.

    Your own personal stories and experiences is what makes me keep writing (and reading comments although I keep swearing I never will again.. argh!)

    • Liliana

      This may sound juvenile but technically the situation calls for it: I would pretend to change my number. I was in an extremely similar situation in the beginning of this year and regardless of how much I told him that I had moved on to my bf or the fact that it had been MORE than TWO years and he was MARRIED, he continued. It was SO irritating. I made believe that I had no clue who was texting and when he called, my friend answered and told him wrong number. NEVER AGAIN. =0)

    • L

      ^ awesome solution

  • lucygoosey74

    Yuck, he sounds like a real creep. Good job ignoring him.
    Do guys really think it’s sexy when they have to repeatedly state how hard they are? Arent’ guys pretty much hard all the time? I mean it’s not like it’s a major accomplishment or anything. I’m so glad I don’t have a penis that I have to obsess over all the time.
    I hope his wife realizes what a colossal tool she’s married to.
    And no, I don’t think you should have to go through the hassle of changing your phone number just because this guy is a creep. I’ve dealt with obsessed stalkers before and I’ve found that no reaction is the best reaction.

    • Amanda Chatel

      THANK YOU!

      Your response was what I needed! So many people thought I was all into it and shit… I only wrote about it in case someone else was dealing with the same shit.

      PS. You’re falling in to my “favorite commenter” category, lucygoosey74. xoxo.

  • Jaclyn

    Send him one response- if you can get my number, what makes you think I can’t get your wife’s number? Game over.

  • Jules

    I have a few of these… One was my first love, one is a guy I dumped because I KNEW he would cheat on whoever he married, and one is a musician I used to have romps with in his van when I was a young tramp- he isn’t married, but my van rocking days are over.

  • L

    I relate, although in my case the xbf was just sad (and justifiably – he was a very unhappy person). He once sent me a “happy anniversary” text when we’d been broken up for 8 months.