As Ashley reported earlier today, Natalie Portman married Benjamin Millepied, of the Frenchy dancing dreamboat Milledpieds, over the weekend at a private home in Big Sur, California. And despite the couple’s best efforts, some paparazzo was able to climb a drainpipe and snap some grainy photos of Natalie’s dress, so of course we must now discuss it.
Unfortunately, we don’t have the rights to publish the photos in question, but here they are on JustJared.com. Open that link in a new window and drink Natalie Portman’s wedding dress the fuck in, because it is the most culturally relevant garment you are going to see all day.
Now. What do we think of it? I will say first off that Natalie looks absolutely radiant, but her beauty isn’t really up for debate here. Unless you’re one of those contrarian assholes who claims that you “just don’t see it,” you agree that Natalie Portman is attractive. As a fellow short Jewish girl, I also appreciate that she wore flats, because so many of us fight against our naturally
diminutive cute stature, and Natalie owns it. (Easier for her than most, but still.) I bet she had an easy time dancing!
I also like the floral crown, because she’s always been kind of a hippie, so why not? The awkward length of the dress, however, combined with the unnecessary long sleeves, make the ensemble look a bit little girl-ish to me. (I was going to say “Quinceañera-ish”, but then I looked up some Quinceañera dresses and they’re actually pretty sexy.)
Was that too mean? I hope not. Feel free to weigh in if you disagree. And if you are reading this, Natalie Portman, I’m sorry that a paparazzo invaded your privacy, but once those photos are on the net, it’s my job to post ‘em. You were very good in Black Swan and I like that you care about animal rights, and you seem cool in general. Please don’t hate me.