• Tue, Aug 7 2012

If You Don’t Have A Facebook Account, There’s A Good Chance You’re A Sociopathic Serial Killer

If you wear this, you're just asking to be locked up to keep society safe.

What do you mean when you say you don’t have a Facebook account? You don’t use it? It’s private? You used to have one, but don’t anymore? I don’t understand. Everyone has a Facebook account. Everyone. 

In news that shouldn’t be shocking to anyone in this social media obsessed world, your digital footprint, Facebook to be exact, says a lot about you. Not only do future employers, associates, acquaintances and the rest of the universe use it to try and get some more information about you from it, but if you don’t have one, they just assume you’re a bad news bear. Why wouldn’t you have a Facebook account? You don’t like being bombarded by political and religious-related status updates every 14 minutes? You’re sick of friend requests from the bullies in high school who have conveniently forgotten that they were bullies? Well, get over it, because you’re not just coming off as a bad news bear without one, but a fucking serial killer who’s just one step away from your next murdering spree. Would you like some proof of this theory?

Anders Breivik and James Holmes.

Both of these mass murderers didn’t have enough social media presence, specifically Facebook. Did they want to stay under the radar or was it just too upsetting for them that their friend count probably wouldn’t exceed 10? No matter their personal reasons, society has decided for them and the rest of us that “not having a Facebook account could be the first sign that you are a mass murderer.” Yes, those are the exact words, according to Forbes, that Slashdot used when they came across an article about the hypothesis in German magazine Der Taggespiegel. Did anyone stop to think that maybe Facebook is an annoying waste of time?

As someone who gave it up for nine months, I can tell you that I did it because I’m just over it. I don’t care enough to keep up with it. Even now, although I’m back on it for work purposes, I don’t use it to the extent I used to because not using it for so long got it out of my system — like any other drug. After reading this article today though, I’m really happy I got back on Facebook before someone could accuse me of devious deeds and planning some sort of horrific catastrophe. It’s bad enough I sit here in my underwear all day hiding from the world! Had I not joined Facebook again there’s a good chance my neighbors would be telling NY1 in a few months, “well, she was a quiet girl who kept to herself.” It’s always the quiet ones; and apparently the sans Facebook ones now, too.

 

Photo: Zazzle

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  • lucygoosey74

    I do not, nor have I ever had a facebook, but that has nothing to do with why I’m a sociopathic serial killer.

    • Amanda Chatel

      I give this comment three enthusiastic thumb-ups. Thumbs-up? Thumbs-ups? Whatever it is…

  • Fabel

    Annnd I’m going to have that song in my head for the rest of the day!

    • Amanda Chatel

      Annnd that is my gift to you!

    • Fabel

      It is a pretty great song!

  • Lizzie

    I have a facebook account and I’m a serial killer. I have 1000 friends and in my profile picture I’m grinning and hugging a teddy bear.

    • Amanda Chatel

      The teddy bear is pink, too, right? Pink is such an innocent color…

  • Bart

    Well fact that I’ve FB account is just coincidence. I’m using it just for work – I’m FB applications creator. But have no other activity here.
    Can you just imagine that some people have a real life, real friends in real world and don’t need virtual social networks to get in touch with them? Yes, it’s still possible.

    I’m wondering what will happen with that addicted people when FB will fall, and it’s a matter of time. Of course they will move to the new social network.

    Actually people spending their lives on FB can be sociopathic – it’s much more probable. Just because in network you can build your image as you want and don’t have to face real people what can be difficult for them.

  • Maggie

    It’s like they release idiotic articles like this to discourage people from closing their accounts even though facebook is totally over and people hate it. now that its a public company they are desperate to keep it somewhat relevant, its so stupid

  • USSReliant

    I should point out that up to the point of his arrest, Mr. Breivik did indeed have a facebook account and over 600 friends. It was deleted as soon as he got arrested and FB claims that his profile – which was in fact requested by Norwegian law enforcement for investigation – cannot be restored.

  • Peter

    Fucking stupid article, some people don´t have Facebook simply because they want to spend their time living a real life, not a virtual one where every miserable lowlife waste the entire day in front of a monitor pretending to be a superstar.

  • http://www.facebook.com/nivekocsalev Nivek Ocsalev

    This is government propaganda at its finest. The government wants everyone to be on Facebook so they can continue being tracked.