New York City: My Dysfunctional One-Way Love Affair That Keeps My Bones In Place

New York City from the Brooklyn Bridge

The text came through on my phone somewhere between two and three in the morning on Wednesday. It was my first love Timothy. He wanted me to know that he was leaving New York City:

“Sorry darling, I’m just a li’l over it. I need to make art and record records and help or show the south how to speak proper English, if I decide to leave my house.”

I placed my hand on my stomach first as if to stop the impending nausea before it started. When I was sure I wasn’t going to be sick, I put my right hand on my chest and felt for proof of life. My heart was still beating, although I didn’t expect it to be so after reading that sentence. Who leaves New York City? Where do people go? In Timothy’s case, it’s Chattanooga.

“New York had all the iridescence of the beginning of the world.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald

I was 12 the first time I came to New York City. My sister and I came with my grandmother for the weekend. It was December. We saw the tree in Rockefeller, watched the Rockettes kick in unison during the Christmas Spectacular and tragically, stayed on the other side of the Hudson River in New Jersey. My knowledge then was based on too much Fitzgerald, movies that had New York as its backdrop and the Beatnik era as I was going through my Kerouac and Ginsberg phase.

On our second day we took a bus tour through Greenwich Village and I remember thinking to myself: This is it. This is where I want to be when I grow up. When the bus stopped, we all piled off single file and straight for the postcard rack of the closest bodega I ran. I picked out one postcard of the city that would eventually be my home, placed it in my bag and tacked it to my bedroom wall when we arrived back to New Hampshire. That postcard is still on the wall to this day — I don’t need it anymore.

 ”If there were one city I should pick to live in, it would be New York. It is a city where I walk down the street and feel anything is possible.” – Maria Schell

I lacked the necessary gumption to come to New York for college. I didn’t even bother applying to NYU’s Creative Writing program because I knew I’d never muster the balls to get here. To stand in the midst of the neighborhood that I’d been viewing through a postcard was not something for which I was ready. I went to school in New Hampshire instead.

I learned how to love in those small New England towns. I played in the rivers, drank cheap beer in the woods, fucked in the backseats of cars and the whole time immersed myself in the writers and artists who had dreamed of New York City, just as I did, and eventually made it there to love more intensely, grow exponentially and live excessively. If I were going to fall from grace, I wanted to fall on the sidewalks of New York City — and eventually I would.

“A hundred times have I thought New York is a catastrophe and 50 times: It is a beautiful catastrophe.” – Le Corbusier

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    • Lindsay

      Just had to say- This is very well written.

      • Amanda Chatel


    • M -

      I completely understand this – I feel the same for London. I even wrote a very similar article on the subject. It’s going to be heartbreaking to move away this September, but at least it’s only for a year.

      Never been to New York though – would love to go one day.

      • Jo

        I’m a nyer but I studied in London for a year and father lives there so I make it a point to visit at least once a year. I love them both so much, probably equally! They have many similarities and many differences. You should definitely check out New York sometime! Take advantage of the fact that bars rarely close before 4am :D

      • M -

        Haha, that’s true – one thing I never understood about living here. Like, I’m originally from a small Eastern European capital, and yet everything there stays open far, far longer than the shops/restaurants/bars/clubs in London. WHY?

    • Ms. Pants

      This is perfect. Just perfect.

    • Lisa

      I love this (and all your writing, really). I feel the same way about New York, I can’t imagine leaving. I’m sad to hear about Kate’s Joint though! I live far from there and haven’t been in ages, but they had such good brunch.

    • Jen

      What a lovely and poignant tribute to NYC. Really nice!

    • Anne

      So much of this piece was utterly lovely. But there’s a tone at the end that I hear so frequently from New Yorkers, and it drives me crazy:

      “We’ve even convinced ourselves that we’re unique and better than the rest simply for where we live. And I believe we are, and the majority of New Yorkers will agree with me.”

      I call foul. Having a NYC zip code does not, in and of itself, make you unique and better than everyone else. (You or 8.2 million others.) I get that being able to order Himalayan food at 3 AM makes the CITY unique, but how exactly does that define YOU?

      Not to mention the whole, “if you’ve never lived in New York, you just don’t get it” routine. If somebody said that about college, or parenthood, or whatever, readers would be foaming at the mouth. But because it’s in reference to NYC, it’s fine to make sweeping generalizations about what others do and don’t understand.

      New York may be the perfect place for you, and that’s awesome. I just wish New Yorkers would stop telling everyone else that there is no other place worthy of their greatness.

      • Amanda Chatel

        Yeah… that does seem to be a running theme with everyone I know: “WE ARE BETTER BECAUSE WE LIVE HERE.”

        On a side note, I’ve never had Himalayan food — is it good?

      • Anne

        I don’t know – I don’t live in New York!

        Actually, that was a variation of one of my New York friends’ lines: “I can buy pants at 3 AM!” OK… I guess I can see where that would come in handy…

      • Amanda Chatel

        Pants at 3AM?! Find out where, Anne! I must know!

      • Jo

        New Yorker here. It’s not just about ordering food at 3am, it’s about the incredible culture that surrounds us here (which I’m not saying doesn’t exist in other parts of the world). To me, New York City has everything I need, music, film, dance, parties, parks, and yes, food. I find New Yorkers (not all, but many) to be interesting because they are immersed in all these things. And, like Amanda’s example shows, talented and creative people are also drawn to New York, and there is a place for them. I like being around talented and creative people.

        I grew up in NY, and I feel like growing up here also gave me the kind of education that few of my college peers had. In a lot of ways, I grew up faster. I know that some people wouldn’t see that as a positive thing, but the “freedom” and reckless abandon that many of my peers experienced for the first time at college, I felt like I had experienced half life (well, the freedom anyway).

        That said, I have a friend or two who were born and raised here that prefer smaller cities and being closer to nature. It breaks my heart to think of them leaving, but it is what it is. I understand big cities are not for everyone, but if you’re a big city person, it’s hard to beat NYC if you’re in the US.

      • Tara

        I agree with Anne. The “we’re better than you” vibe from most people in New York is vile. I stayed for seven years before I realized I hated everything about the city and its people. I’m all for loving where you live, and there is nothing wrong with loving New York (it just wasn’t for me), but the constant superiority complex makes me hate you. And I don’t even know you. And that is sad.

    • Tania

      This was lovely, one of my favourite pieces of yours, but I admit, I don’t understand the attachment to a place. Maybe because I moved a lot as a child, but for me, home is PEOPLE, and if I don’t have friends around, a place isn’t home. It’s somewhere I live.

      I live in a beautiful, safe city surrounded by forests and ocean with clean air and friendly people, but it isn’t *home* because all my friends and family moved away. My plan is actually to move somewhere much less nice simply because that’s where my friends are.

    • Kate

      I moved here a couple years ago, and I feel like everyone is leaving!! I guess there’s probably just a lot of moving around / growing up that happens at 24 in general. But did you experience this as well??

      As one of my favorite bloggers said once,
      “I loved New York, but I didn’t like it.”

      • Amanda Chatel

        Actually right now I know of about 6 or 7 people who have either left in the past couple months or plan to do so within the next couple months. I’M NOT OK WITH THIS.

    • patti c

      i will never get it but it’s obvious you do, well done!

      • Amanda Chatel

        Thanks, Mom! You might feel differently if you actually visited more… FYI.

    • patti c

      great photo of THE bridge

    • Larissa

      I almost cried over this. 4th St between C and D here. We may have been neighbors :)
      Every time I get my heart broken by some Williamsburg man-child. Or get my ass kicked by the fact that I compete against the best of the best, career wise. Or have to eat a can of beans from the corner bodega for dinner because this place is so goddamn expensive. I think of how much easier it would be to leave, and live someplace…easier.
      Then NYC shows me something beautiful, and builds me up and gives me opportunities you would never have anywhere else. And i realize it’s just shaping me into the most interesting, badass version of myself possible. And for that, I love it. And I loved this article. Keep up the good fight, girl.

      • Amanda Chatel

        I love this comment.

    • Jenny

      I understand your love affair with the city. I have a mini-love affair with it myself. I don’t live there. I live in the Atlanta suburbs instead.

      I had to make a decision when I graduated high school:
      (1) Move to New York. Attend NYU and study classical voice. Start the Big Adventure that would be my life if I chose that path…
      (2) Go to the University of Georgia. Study psychology. Live the “white picket fence, 2.3 kids and a dog” dream

      I chose door number 2. To be honest, door number 1 scared me as much as it exhilarated me. I would have been choosing a very difficult life. Struggling to realize my dream and maybe never making it. This is going to sound egotistical, but I felt like I had more to offer than toiling away as a struggling waitress/nanny/singer. That, and I am a terrible dancer so Broadway would have been nigh unattainable.

      Occasionally I feel pangs of what-could-have-been. Whenever I see a musical or hear a song by my current-favorite singer/songwriter that tugs at my heart strings and fits my vocal range perfectly, I think “that could have been me…”.

      But – 98% of the time, I know I made the right decision. I love my life. I am in love with my life. I wake up every (ok, almost every) day happy, nay, thrilled. My husband and I are celebrating our 6-year wedding anniversary today. My life is a different kind of adventure. We don’t have the kids yet, but we do have the dog. My husband and I travel the world together. We have new dreams together. I never wanted to be famous, I only wanted to sing and maybe, just maybe, when we retire at 45 and move to Hawaii (one of the dreams) I’ll sing in the local cafés.

      I do get wistful for NY. I visit every other year or so. I’m inspired by all of you there who are chasing your dreams. I love to hear about your lives, your successes, your failures. You inspire me, and in a weird way, I’m proud of you.

      • Amanda Chatel

        “I love my life. I am in love with my life.” With those words, you inspire me.

      • Jenny

        Aw shucks Chatel.

        Just keep letting me live vicariously through you. Who needs just one life when you can live a million.

        By the way, complete tangent, who do I have to sleep with to replace that purple head silhouette with a different picture?

      • Amanda Chatel

        I have NO idea! I asked the tech team months ago and apparently, they “fixed” it, but I’m still a purple head too.

        And I so badly want to pull my duck face for everyone to be traumatized by… I’ll look into it again and let you know.

      • Jenny

        Ah, duck face. Classy.

        I tend to prefer pictures of my pets’ butts. I have an odd obsession with animal butts…..they are adorable…..

    • Southerngirl

      I am sincerely sorry you were not happy in the city you grew up in, that is miserable. I am also glad you like were you live now.Saying that,I too am over the constant NYC is so much better attitude.NYC does have some amazing elements, as do other cities. It also has some not so nice elements.One thing I have noticed is the women on this site and others,don’t seem to have many nice things about the men of New York. I know, I know your life should not revolve around a man. I love my southern gentlemen. Many of whom have advanced degrees from our local universities( Vandy, Emory, Duke, Tulane,Georgia Tech, U of VA just to name a few) and speak perfect English.

      • Amanda Chatel

        I’d kill for a southern gentleman.

        As for Timothy’s comment, he was deliberately making a generalization. Have you ever met someone from the sticks of NH? Now those are some people who can barely speak at all… let alone English.

        And as a NH-girl I can say it and confirm it… you know, before some NH person gets all postal on my ass for that comment.

      • Southerngirl

        Thanks for your sweet reply. I was being silly. I meant to put a winking smiley at the end of my comment.

      • Amanda Chatel

        You were voicing your opinion! That’s never silly.

      • Jenny

        Amen for southern gentlemen. I love when a gaggle of dudes in suits wait for me to get on the elevator first in the mornings. Even more when one guy rushes on and the others purposefully wait until I get on.

        Remember ladies – you can have manners too. I always say thank you. Reinforce that good behavior! I’ve watched the Dog Whisperer….

    • Rose

      I related to this in a huge way. I visited NYC this past xmas/new year. The first day walking around the city it was like I found the place I fitted into in the world. I cried when I had to leave two weeks later and still think about NY every day. I’m now back in Australia thinking of ways I can somehow get back there to live for a few years/forever. That’s my goal. Job, apartment and life in NYC. You are so very lucky that you get to live your dream :)