• Fri, Aug 10 2012

The 7 Things That Might Go Through Your Head When Your Period Is Late

Gasp! What date is it?

So you rack your brain for the current date as well as the last time you had your period to try to figure out what the hell happened. And you’re racking and racking, and flipping through the calendar on your phone trying to remember if you were bleeding at that event or this event, and you’re slowly driving yourself crazy with what could be going on in your body. When was the last time you had sex? Did the condom break? Have I been taking my pill on time? Why don’t I have more chocolate in this fridge?

We’ve all been there where we’ve had a scare and ended up beating ourselves up over it until the day when our period just decides to finally grace us with its appearance. Even if I haven’t had sex in months and my period is late, my brain starts swirling with the most ridiculous possibilities to explain for the lateness.  Although in my head things get really shady when it comes to fear, I kept these “things” on the sane side.

Photo: Deviant Art

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  • Jen

    OK, Chatel. That picture of the crotch spider. What the everloving fuck is that insanity? What kind of search do you even have to do to find something like that? “Giant cunnilingus spider”?

    Jeeeeeeeezly crow, that image is giving me hysterics. Not sure if it’s so over the top it’s hilarious, or if it’s just completely horrifying. Kind of both? Maybe?

    Obviously, I am having some capital-F Feelings about the crotch spider. Well done.

    • Jen

      Oh, and to make my comment(s) on-topic… when my period is late, my first thought is “Early menopause? Please?? Yaaay, no more periods!” But then it shows up and I’m disappointed. Again.

      Yeah, hot flashes sound like a special kind of hell, but I’ve been wishing my period would end since it started. Awful cramps, boobs so sore I have to sleep on my back, and murderous inclinations. Fun times!

    • Fabel

      I think that picture is actually an ad for HIV…awareness? (I’m not quite sure. I think it was circulated more in Europe, not here. The basic message was “you never know if the person you’re sleeping with is infecting you!” & I guess they thought that a giant, terrifying, cunnilingus-giving spider was the most effective way to get that across)

    • Amanda Chatel

      I googled “STDs,” my friends… and that thing popped up. How could I not use it?!

    • Jen

      Oh, it’s genius. I’d have used it, too.

      Just looked at it again and GAAAAH! Yep, same reaction.

    • Amanda Chatel

      The whole time I was posting it I kept singing “Spiderman, Spiderman…
      does whatever a spider can!”

  • lucygoosey74

    Thanks. Now instead of worrying that I’m pregnant I’ll be thinking about the giant crotch spider!

    • Amanda Chatel

      You know I do this shit out of love for you guys, right? Crotch spiders for everyone!

  • Colleen

    I had a cervical biopsy some months ago, and then I fucked up and forgot to take my pills on time – ended up having 3 periods in one month in June. So when it was late in July, I chalked it up to my stupid ovaries being stupid.

    Also, my inability to act when my alarm goes off and says “Take your pill, stooopid.”

  • BeccaTheCyborg

    The bloodparty thing is the most oddly adorable thing ever.

    • Jenny

      Yes! I thought so too.

      The picture with it, however, is terrifying. Like the Mad Hatter finally lost his shit and started hacking people up.

  • Trista

    I’ve convinced myself that I left a tampon in. I think part of that paranoia stems from the Toxic Shock Syndrome hysteria that was everywhere when I first started menstruating. I thought I would die if I left a tampon in for more that four hours. That shit still haunts me.

  • Distilless

    Okay. Ima be a downer here. Does no one else think, “hey, I’m really stressed out, and evolutionary periods make sense to be the first thing to go,”? And I mean stress in a myriad of ways. Giving up alcohol? Do you know how many precious calories you are taking away from baby-making functions? What about that running you took up of a sudden? Or the month you spent wasting away in bed from heartache?

    We all worry, but I usually just think how lovely it is that your body redirects itself all the damn time according to outside influences. If I’m not having sex (likely, I smell funny) then I don’t worry about my period.

    • Shaina

      My period has always come on time, but when I missed it a few months ago I immediately decided it was because I was stressed out (I totally was too) and didn’t worry about it at all since I’d been using birth control. Like, it never even crossed my mind that I could be pregnant until several weeks later when I started throwing up in the mornings and peeing 5 times an hour. Oops!

  • NotThumper

    ok I can’t even go through the slides because I saw the thumbnail of the spider.
    Dammit, I wanted to read through them too! Damn my hysterical fear of creepy-crawlies….

  • Amy

    When I was 17-19 (ish) and if I was slightly late for a period I would go mental and say, “I’m too young for this! Maybe when I’m in my 20′s I won’t get so crazy.” Nope. I’m 27 and still think I’m too young to get pregnant, but I’m pretty much an expert level BCP taker though, so I know I stress for nothing.