Illustrated Guide: How To Find The Perfect Swimsuit For Your Body

If you’ve ever read a ladymag or even seen one while in line at the grocery store, you know that every summer brings approximately one thousand guides promising to place you with the right or ideal or perfect swimsuit for your body type. They all boil down to what kind of fruit you resemble (apple/pear/ruler) (?) and really just exist to make women feel terrible about themselves (hide this/distract from that/conceal, etc) so they’ll continue on to page X for the latest celeb diet secrets. Since TheGloss is also a thing for ladies, we’ve decided to try our hand at the time-honored feature. This week’s Illustrated Guide will help you find that perfect swimsuit for your body, whatever that may be. You’re so welcome!

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    • kit

      Bikini rancor FTW

      • Ellen W.

        I think it’s Star Wars canon that the rancor in SW:RotJ was a lady-rancor too.

    • Talia

      HARLEQUIN BABY NOOOOO

    • Katie

      Thank god I’m not the only one who thought Tree Man was hot.

    • Fabel

      That Indonesian tree man illustration is a work of art.

    • Jenny

      I read the first panel and was supremely disappointed that it looked like you were going to take this seriously….

      What if I’m star-fruit shaped? I feel like I should hang out exclusively at nude beaches in that case….

    • BeccaTheCyborg

      This is the best thing in all of the internet. I absolutely lost it and started cackling like a crazy person when I got to harlequin baby because I am terrible.

      • Cate

        You aren’t terrible! I did the same thing. I find harlequin babies FASCINATING. Did you know there is a man who not only survived Harlequin Ichthyosis, but also became a triathlete?

      • Ashley Cardiff

        You guys are all nice.

        Also, I drew that Harlequin baby from memory, which says a lot about me, I think.

    • Kate Messinger

      Can I use Harlequin Baby for my next tattoo?

      • Ashley Cardiff

        As long as you have him hovering in empty space like that.

    • lucygoosey74

      This is by far my favorite illustrated guide!!

      • Ashley Cardiff

        Thank you! I am unreasonably proud of my rancor in a bikini.

    • Liz

      But whatever you do, no Dorito-kinis, ok? PLEASE.
      http://imissyouwheniblink.com/2012/05/30/5-swimwear-trends-to-avoid/

    • Danielle

      Best. Post. Ever. How do I tell my boyfriend I’m leaving him to run away with you and the Indonesian tree man?