• Tue, Aug 28 2012

F*ck, Marry, Kill: Woody Allen. Mel Brooks. Bill Cosby.

You know how Fuck Marry Kill is played, don’t you? Good. Yesterday, EIC Jennifer Wright explored the importance of a sense of humor in overcoming gendered adversity. Deputy editor Ashley Cardiff kind of just has to go along with whatever she says, so here they are: this week’s Fuck Marry Kill involves three of the funniest men ever.

Jennifer: So, we’re piggybacking off of that “men explaining things” post I wrote yesterday. How exactly is this piggybacking?

Ashley: You lazy bastard.

Jennifer: Is it because… humor is good thing? It’s fun to be funny! Is that what we’re saying?

Ashley: Yes. Not only is humor great for diffusing turmoil and shit, it’s also very appealing. Hence, three funny men.

And one wacky dancer!

Jennifer: So, a Fuck, Marry, Kill with Mel Brooks, Woody Allen and Bill Cosby. Makes sense.  Marry Mel Brooks. In fact, everything with Mel Brooks. Spend every moment of your life with Mel Brooks. Cannibalize Mel Brooks and put him inside you. See if Mel Brooks can cannibalize you and you can ride around inside his stomach lining. Become one.

Ashley: Yeah, this is tough because you have to marry Brooks. You have to. He’s perfect. But I don’t want to have sex with Woody Allen and you cannot kill Cosby. He’s a genius and I love him, too.

Jennifer: Ugh, sex with Woody Allen seems awful. Even in his movies – I’m thinking especially of Annie Hall – it’s clear that you have to drug yourself to enjoy sex with Woody Allen.

Ashley: Or be a shy teenager fraught with self-doubt who always expects the best of people, like Mariel Hemingway in Manhattan.

Jennifer: I also feel like Mel Brooks is just, you know, a noble Saint. I think the way they make fun of Hitler in The Producers – how they’re able to make the terrifying ridiculous and in doing so make us less afraid – is flat-out the noblest use of comedy. And I don’t know if Woody Allen does anything that approximates that? Or Cosby, for that matter. Honestly, I kind of think Woody Allen fucked things up for a lot of women by making them think it was somehow romantic or New Yorker-ish to date emotionally distant but funny men filled with neurosis.

"This is how they do it in New York."

Ashley: I have a hard time choosing between Brooks and Cosby because I think they’d both be excellent husbands. So much of Cosby’s best stand-up is about being a father, too, so I know we have congruent views on the ridiculousness of parenting. But I grew up with Cosby’s standup and I have a hard time choosing him for “fuck.” He’s so… avuncular.

Jennifer: The sweaters! I just can’t imagine him naked. Weirdly, I can very easily imagine Woody Allen naked, I just don’t like it that much. Come to think of it, Bill Cosby did always wear suits when he did stand-up. He was very handsome.

Ashley: Right. We’re talking about classic, perfect Cosby, not his Cosby Show character. He’s not going to whip out his Jell-O jiggler.

Jennifer: Hahahaha, that’s pretty funny though, yes? It’s funny when he does the voices. Okay. Wait. I think I saw Cosby do stand-up when I was…8. And I think I associate Cosby with a very specific time in my life and when I think of him I will always be that age. So it is impossible for me to view him as anything but a hilarious uncle who I cannot sleep with. Sorry that is so weird.

Ashley: You’re still left with him and Woody. There’s no way out.

Jennifer: Well, at some point, haven’t we all slept with a Woody Allen type? Someone self absorbed and neurotic who wants to pause during sex to talk about the decline of America or some such?

They're all so indulgent!

Ashley: Not a 5’5” Woody Allen type, we haven’t.

Jennifer: He’s 5’5? That’s not really that surprising. But, to be fair, you are not going for a guy like that because you think “OH MY GOD HE’S SO PHYSICALLY ATTRACTIVE.” You’re going for a guy like that… because of Woody Allen movies. Only because Manhattan has made you believe it would be poignant, somehow. But life doesn’t happen in black and white!

Ashley: There are certain undeniable aspects of Woody Allen’s appeal–liberal arts majors are hardwired to go for the guy making incisive jokes about Russian literature. But so much of his whole persona is feebleness, and I can’t really deal with that.

Jennifer: Hilarious movies, seems like an awful boyfriend.

Ashley: Seems like a dreadful boyfriend! Always cheating, always shouting about people who’ve wronged him, self-obsessed to the point of solipsism.

Jennifer: Ugh, yes, the worst.

Ashley: I hate to say… but… kill Woody.

Jennifer: Kill Woody. We have to. For women everywhere who have been tricked into thinking he is deeper for possessing awful qualities.

Ashley: Agreed completely. But now I’m tempted to fuck Mel, because I can totally imagine sleeping with Mel Brooks–he’s the greatest!–but then I’m free to marry Cosby, which is within the bounds of reason. …But, then… then I see pictures of Mel Brooks and Ann Bancroft and… you have to marry Mel. How can you not marry Mel? He’s perfect.

Inarguable perfection.

Jennifer: That is all I want, Ashley. To sepnd my twilight years like that. Also, his son, Max Brooks, wrote perhaps the most famous Zombie Novel. It’s called World War Z. It’s comprised of (fictional) oral histories following the Zombie Apocalypse, and there is one supposedly from the perspective of a famous film director that is clearly based off Mel Brooks that is my favorite one. And it’s one that makes me cry every time. I know this is a specific example that not everyone is going to know, but what I guess you can take away from it is “Anne Bancroft and Mel Brooks raised smart, funny kids who loved them a lot.”

Ashley: Oh god. How can you not marry Mel? I want to marry Mel in real life. If he asked me to marry him tomorrow, I’d probably say yes.

Jennifer: I would, too. Like, even if he asked both of us. I’d agree to a polygamous marriage and I’d love him more and kill you in your sleep.

Ashley: I will ruin you.

Jennifer: Let’s both write him letters using our own blood right now!

Ashley: I’m already lightheaded!

Choose wisely...

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  • Lauren

    Is this the first time that you guys agreed??

    • Ashley Cardiff

      There’s got to be maybe one or two other examples.

  • Candace

    Oh no, kill Mel Brooks!

    I could never get past Blazing Saddles. It’s the worst.

  • Cally

    Bill Cosby..
    I just..
    I can’t even describe how obsessed I am with him

  • Leial

    Can we set an age limit on this? It’s really weird to think of intercourse with men over 70 (i.e. Crosby or Brooks).

    But, seriously, regardless of your other two choices who -wouldn’t- kill Woody? Gah! Totally just grossed myself out with the other possibilities…

  • porkchop

    Mel Brooks!! What an inspired addition to FMK. I would fuck/kill either of these other chumps to get to him <3

    I'm having a harder time with Mel Brooks, Rick Moranis, Gene Wilder…

    • Ashley Cardiff

      We talked about doing Brooks, Cosby and Wilder but how could you not marry all of them?

  • Spastastic

    I don’t know much about Mel Brooks because I am a terrible person, so I can’t really do this entire thing, but on the subject of Woody Allen… I would totally fuck him. I am weirdly attracted to him. Maybe because I’m a neurotic Jew as well. I must concede that a marriage to him would not be ideal, though.

  • Dhyana

    Definitely placing Woody Allen in the Kill category. Marrying someone you helped raise since she was 7 is not cool. I don’t care how long they’ve been married.

  • Ethan

    I agree with kill Allen, but Cosby’s avuncular asexuality completely precludes him from being the fuck. Brooks is wild, and you know he’s be a freak in bed, definitely fuck Brooks, and marry sweet silly charming Cosby.

  • Mouche Bonneau

    FINALLY SOMEONE ELSE WHO AGREES THAT MEL BROOKS IS AWESOME AND NOT A DOUCHE. Sorry for the shouting. I just really love Mel Brooks. I do not understand how you cannot be madly, intellectually in love with that brilliant man. But everyone I’ve ever spoken to thinks he’s a talentless creep. Do they not see that his movies are f***ing genius?