Put Down The Bubble Tea, And No One Gets Hurt

It turns out that one of the most disgusting drinks in the history of the world is bad for you. No, I’m not talking about rum, although that’s pretty high on the list, too. I’m talking about that horrible bubble tea that I see people consuming up and down the streets of Chinatown and Soho all summer long. Why, people, why?

Some German researchers who obviously wanted to put an end to this beverage as much as I do, tested those fluffy, wonky “bubbles” and found that they’re chock-full of ”polychlorinated biphenyls or PCBs such as styrene, acetophenone, and brominated substances.” That’s right, ”polychlorinated biphenyls or PCBs such as styrene, acetophenone, and brominated substances.” And as we all know, those are bad things that we do not want in our body; they’re so bad, in fact, they can cause cancer and then you can probably die. Who wants to die over a bubble tea? Why are any of you drinking it anyway?

My gag reflex aside from whenever I see someone sucking one of those bubbles up through those phallic-looking extra thick straws, you now have an official, health reason to stay away from the junk for your own life! So do it. Put down the bubble tea and walk away. Now. Thank you.

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    • Ms. Pants

      I’m convinced tapioca (and those “bubbles”) are just congealed sperm nuggets.

      I prefer to get mine fresh and straight from the source, thankyouverymuch.

      • Marissa

        Oh…my…gosh…the thought of bubble tea now makes me want to gag even more than it did before…hilarious!

      • Ms. Pants

        My work here is done.

        * drops the mic, walks away *

      • Amanda Chatel

        Yes, Ms. Pants, you’ve done a fine job today in the comment sections.

        Internet high-five!

    • Riya

      Um, I like bubble tea. And so do a lot of folks out there, including half the population of Hong Kong and Taiwan. Thanks for making me feel super judged. Why not a useless article about how Vitamin Water or some other yuppie white person drink is just sugary dross?

      • Amanda Chatel

        Wow. Someone needs a sense of humor!

    • Natalie Zutter


      Almond milk tea is what gets me through our icy winters. I refuse to believe this… despite it coming from my fellow Germans. Boo.

      • Ashley Cardiff

        I’m with you, Natalie. But I really like chewy stuff.

    • Dee

      I’m sure your boyfriend must really hate that gag reflex huh?

      • Amanda Chatel

        Yeah, he totally dumped me over it! Shucks!